Foster parenting
on 9/10/09 6:59 am
How long did you participate?
If you are not currently doing it, would/will you do it again?
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on 9/10/09 7:52 am
Me and my brothers and sisters were in a foster home when I was young after my moma had a nerveous breakdown, and I hated it so bad.
They seperated me from my 7 sisters and put me in a home with this son of a ***** who was forever trying to molest me. I developed some serious problems and started peeing on myself, and the mean ass woman would make me stand up in the bathtub for hours in the pissy clothes, not bothering to investigate what would make me start ******g on myself.
But after my moma got her life together, she then became a foster mother and we treated those kids like golden. Especially me cause I wanted them to feel loved and wanted.
I think if you have the patience to deal with kids who have problems, usually behavioral or emotional and can provide them with a loving home then do it.
I personally would not be a foster parent because my lifestyle don't allow it, I like the freedom of being kid-less.
I had a "play grandma" who fostered throughout my childhood and as an adult a friend who did the same. Both of them preferred temporary emergency placements because of the emotional attachment issue. Should a long term placement be moved from your home, you had no say.
Many of these kids were traumatized and a real handful. I witnessed an eleven year old girl attempt to seduce a grown man as she was taught by her prostitute mom. Her brother could not be out of the sight of supervision because he would go out loking for tricks as his mom had him giving head for money. He was around six. It was heartbreaking.
These women had the big hearts necessary to love these troubled kids like their own. One even ended up forgoing foster care payments and adopting two hiv crack babies. It is a huge challenge, too much for me but thank goodness there are good people out there who would care for these children.
Good luck what ever you decide to do.
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Howdy,
I have been a foster parent and found that there were many many more pro's than cons. This is long so sorry in advance.
1. This might sound bad, but I liked the idea of being able to choose the age, sex, health history, drug history, race, and type of child that I would have into my home. The agency wants HONESTY when asking what type of child you are willing to nurture, usually once that is established it makes for a very good experience for you and the child. And all of the other pro's would fall into place, such as bonding, etc. (too many to name.)
Cons:
1. The possiblity of the child leaving:, in training they will emphasize that a child may come to you, get cleaned up and made spiritually whole once more only to be allowed back to his or her crackhead mother ONLY to end up back in your home a month or so later more broken than before. It WILL wreak emotional havoc on the FP because the system is set up to keep the birth relatives together, so many chances are given in lots of cases, and the FP is expected to set emotions aside and just do the job. FP's however are treated respectfully AND listened too in regards to input, yet Judges are many times unaware of the emotional aspect and the big picture so to speak, so much prayer is needed in this journey.
2. Taking in a child that you have personal ties with. UNLESS the child is a relative I would advise against it. I did it one time and Lawwwd have mercy!
3. If a Parent has not had his or her parental rights terminated, you must abide by their wishes in some cases. Most children coming into FC have had no type of religious upbringing, but if "Mama" says that she is a catholic or athiest and wants her child to stick with her plan of religion then the FP must abide by that. This one is a HUGE consideration to think about when telling the agency your child preferance as to avoid the issue altogether. Secondly, I once had a 1 yr old boy with hair like Samson
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4. Opinions of others ESPECIALLY family. I was amazed at how just because some that I know do not have the patience to be a foster parent, they expected me not too either
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These were the only cons that I could think of. May have been a few more, but like I said, the pro's far outweigh the cons. The training received is excellent and as you become acclaimated to foster parenting, you will get your rhythm established fairly quick.
5. The slowness of the system: In some cases it takes a long time to get records and information regarding the child. In one case I didn't receive medical cards for a month and the baby had a burning rash all over his body. Thank God I had a good job at the time and could pay for the medication that he needed. Stuff like that will work your nerves. Also you want the history of the child such as medical, types of abuse, does he or she hoard food (a biggie) etc. You will definately need mother-wit and need to pay close attention to everything. FP meetings help too because most times siblings are separated and another FP may have one of the siblings and can give you information.
This is long enough but that is all that I could think of regarding cons at this time, like I said the pro's far outweigh the cons imo.
How long did you participate?
I was a FP from 1994 until 1999.
If you are not currently doing it, would/will you do it again?
Yes, infact I recently moved into a 2 bedroom house and given the greenlight by my landlord to get re-liscensed. I took care of babies the first go round, but this time I would like to take in older children. Preferably a sibling duo. I may also do respite for other FP's. In 1996 I was involved in the teen mother program where I was to take in the teen mother and baby with both being my foster children. I never got the opportunity because in most cases the teen would either go with other family or give their baby up for adoption.
Sorry again for the length, hope that it helped. God bless you for your interest in foster parenting.
Que
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I was in foster care for a bit when I was younger and the experience was interesting to say the least. Thank GOD my mom got it together
DH and I have been caring for fosters for a while now. approx7 yrs
Pros. I am sappy n this one ,I enjoy giving back especially to children . They did not ask to be here .
Cons there are many and they vary from child to child ,city to city, and organization to organization. They are not all run the same .
I still have kids although I changed organizations and I have older boys who are in a life skills program.
I will do it as long as I can . The first kid who told me I would always be his mom was worth it. they come back and appreciate love when it is unconditionally given.
If you are the kind of person that can accept children as they are and willing to slowly mold them and understand that some traits are in the blood and history of the child you will do fine. Don't think every child will be cute, cuddly and will immediately trust you. It does not matter how nice you are they still may not trust and love you because they may not be capable.
I treated each child like gold and accepted them as they presented....I did not judge them or their families therefore my experiences were rewarding. the last child I had came to me when she was 7 (it was supposed to be for 2 months) she stayed with me until she graduated from high school and got an apartment in the independent living program. She is still very much a part of my life and calls me "Mother" (she's a drama queen diva who saw a movie when she was young where the daughter called her Mom Mother and she has called me that ever since that day) We lived together so long she looks like me. People that met me after she came to live with me thinks she is my birth daughter because we are so much alike. She has some traits that I can't stand that are in her blood, but your birth children can have traits that you can't stand also. Every city and country I traveled to the children went with me, ( unless it was a romantic get away) when I got new clothes they got new clothes etc.
It's not easy and it will dominate a great deal of your time and energy because the children often have emotional scars, behavioral & educational problems.
Only do it if you know you can love someone elses child like your own and if you know you have a lot of patience to deal with systems. Over the years I have had about 7 children and I am still in touch with most of them. The emotional scars still affect most of them but for the most part they are doing well.
Would I do it again, yes if I was younger I don't have the patience or energy to deal with the many stresses of fostering children. I don't think I could (or want to) give it my all at this point in my life.
Lee shared a prime example of foster parents from hell or good people who went wrong because they did not understand or know what to do with the population they were charged with dealing with.
A severely sexually abused, emotionally disturbed, hearing impaired 13 year old young lady was placed in my house. Previously she was in 18 homes in 2 years! I kept her for one year and told her worker I could not keep her any longer but I found a school in New York for hearing impaired sexually abused children in New York. The worker agreed with the New York placement but the child's lawyer did not. I told the worker and the lawyer that I was going on the news to report the damage being done to this child with so many placements when she really needed institutional care in order to salvage her life. Well the lawyer identified what she thought was the perfect placement for the young lady........ (and I went to the press and was able to stop the report in the nick of time) it lasted 3 days before she pushed the caregiver through a large picture window. Well the lawyer called me and begged me to take her bac****il the institution in New York could accept her. I kept her an additional month with no major new problems and did not hear from her again until she was 18 years old and she returned to Baltimore. She called via a TTY operator (she lost all of her hearing) and thanked me for giving her the best year of her life and taking her on vacations. She is now married and living in a sheltered apartment program with her husband who also has a history of emotional problems. Her resuming contact after all of those years did my heart good and confirmed that I did what I set out to do.
Okay I could go on but I won't. Just make sure you are doing it to strictly to help a child out. Being a foster parent has no financial benefit (no matter how much you get) if you take care of the children just as you would your own.
I know I said this before but I'll say it again; examine all of the reasons you would consider being a foster parent and if EVERY reason is not related to the child DON"T do it! and if you are not a very very very patient and flexible person DON"T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone in your household must buy into your desire for you to be a successful, effective and loving foster parent. You also need support systems to keep your emotional health in tact. Even if you get a very young child they have the genes of their parents who may have a history of overcoming baggage and or a history of psych or social problems that they pass on to their children.
I wish you the best in your decision.
Peace & Blessings
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Change is a Process Not an Event
You and I have spoke briefly about this before, but here's my situation/opinion...
I am technically a "Foster Parent"/Legal Guardian to my niece. I have had her since she was 4 days old. She turns 7 years old next week! So the word "Temporary" is NOT in our vocabulary...
Going into this, almost 7 years ago, I thought it was going to be "temporary" but was TOLD by others, this situation is never 'temporary"...
PRO's I am able to give her a life she would normally not be able to have with her biological parents (she is the daughter of my oldest brother and his wife)....
Because I have her, she is able to grow up knowing her family, as well as seeing her parents (when they behave)...
She is a joy and generally a good child. Very loving and behaves well (besides occassional whinning)...
CONS - Because she is family (my brother and his wife, have easy access to her -- when I allow them).. Which would NOT be a problem, accept they live very close to me and of course, have my phone number.... LOL Obviously if I cared for a stranger's child, this would NOT be the case....
I have DEALT with craziness in the past BUT have found a way to handle that now and keep the stress out of my life as well as my children and her life.. I have to draw the line most of the time and unfortunately, when they do not behave, they do NOT see her.
DCF (Department of Children and Family) have completely removed themselves once I became her legal guardian -- which means it is UP TO ME to give her back to her parents (via the Family Probate Court)... They should still be providing some sort of support (physical support that is)...
I am a single parent, so I am caring for 3 children on my own, but God has allowed me to do so...
It gets stressful at times because I NEED A BREAK and thank God my oldest is 16 and can babysit...
I do let her see her parents, BUT I have to threaten them or treat them like kids just to get them to KNOW how serious it would be to have her go back in the system if they "mess up"...
So in other words, I would NOT change a thing as of now, BUT had I taken the time before, like 7 years ago (to really think about the situation), I might not have done so.. But I am glad that I did because I was able to give her a home where she is happy and cared for.....
I do believe that every child deserves to be loved. They did not ask to come into this world, so if we can help, than why not???
Hope this helps....
By the way, you have a good heart and a good spirit, God is going to bless you richly.... So hang in there...
I do believe you have a lot of LOVE to give.....
It was all a very good experience. We got all the support we needed from our county. The problems were the fickleness of the judges... returning kids to situations that were bad. Our last caseworker was the reason we quit fostering. She was young and really rubbed us the wrong way all the time. The last straw was when she scheduled an appt to come to our house and didn't show or call.
We adopted one child from the foster care system. We picked up from the hospital at birth and he's always been with us. He is definitely worth all the aggravation and monthly visits and continuing education we had to do.
You have to decide if you can handle someone being in your life monthly for years. After a while the monthly home visits get old. Georgia did make some changes where you can alternate home visits and office visits but still...if you work you have to work out those monthly visits.
How comfortable are you with parents who have issues? Would you be able to faciilitate a supervised visit if necessary? How much interaction with bio parents are you willing to have?
You can be selective about age, race, gender, type of abuse and special needs. We could handle drug exposure but really didn't have th time to be good parents for a child with physical abuse. Parental drug use was the main reason most of the kids were in foster care in my area. Funny thing is that the child we adopted had no drug exposure. His mom was young and had too many kids to take care of and wanted him placed for adoption. He was the only child we had who wasn't removed from his parents.
We plan on fostering again when the kids are older. Next time around my husband wants to foster older kids because he's through with all the baby stuff.