ready to date but nt sure where to start

Hi -

I had surgery in January 09 and so far lost 90 lbs and have about 70 to go.  I am separated from my husband for almost 3 years and working on finalizing my divorce.  Since losing weight, my hormones have awaken again and I am so ready to date.  I went as far as giving someone my number at work who I thought was flirting with me but he never call!

I live outside of Philly and I am an admitted workaholic so I don't have any friends in the local area.  I am also the director of HR so my relationships at work are very limited since no one wants to be friends with the director of HR!!!  I don't know where to start or what to do.  I am still very insecure with my body.  I have gone from a size 26/28 to a 14/16 but still feel like that I am the 325 pound lady.  I was married for over 7 years so I have been out of the game for a while now and don't know how a 38 year should do since I was single in my 20s and it was so different then.  I did sign up for a month on match.com but nothing of interest so far and all the guys are looking for a "slender" woman and we know that's not me.

Any advise would be appreciated as I am very frustrated and need companionship.

thx
Iman

Good Morning Iman,

I don't have any advice for you.  I know you probably already know this but the dating "game" is hard and it is not like it used to be.  I have some stories that I can tell you of the "games" that are played.  I had been single for a LONG time. I had decided to aceept that I was going to be single for the rest of my life.  People used to always tell me it will happen when you least expect it and I used to  them out for telling me that because usually the people that were telling me that had someone.  Guess what...they were right...it just happened about two months ago when I least expected it.  Hang in there and don't settle.  Good luck to you.

Don't think about dating - those websites are for suckers!!!  LOL - since you have been out of the 'game' and whatnot - do stuff that you LIKE to do! Go to a winebar w/ friends, movies, sporting events.... whatever!  You need to spend some 'me' time with yourself before you're ready to find a dude.....

Those websites ARE good for finding booty call tho - so ummm - if ya need to - use em for that.....

Hi Iman,

Well, well...first, I'd like to say, congrats on your 90 lb. weight loss...You've done a fabulous job!

Before you begin the dating scene, let me encourage you to do one thing...CONTROL THOSE HORMONES, GIRL!!!  I say that because you are embarking on a new chapter in your life and I know from experience that the loneliness you may have experienced will cause you to jump into a relationship with someone, without giving it serious thought - don't end up an "after-dinner mint" in a relationship...prepare yourself so that when the right guy looks/comes your way, he will want you in a "4-course meal and dessert" relationship...in other words, he'll want you and nothing else BUT you!

How about starting off just dating, going to movies, dinner, etc.?  As for the co-worker not calling you back - nothing to worry about...it was a 'flirt' - right?  And don't give up - when it's your time, he will find you - don't go looking/seeking a man...he'll look for and find you.

In the meantime, enjoy and have a good time!

DD

I would disagree about the websites.  I think if you have been out of the dating arena, the websites will give you practice on talking to a man.  Yes there are alot of games played on those sites but I have met some great guys.  The man I am dating now  I met on a dating site over 6 yrs ago.  We kept in touch and started dating seriosuly in Jan. Just be clear on what you want in a man. Post nice photos, and a well written profile. Black People Meet is  something like $12.95 a month. It's a way to at least open the doors of communication with the opposite sex.
Actually now one of the factors that make a city appealing to singles according to Forbes 2009 survey is what percentage of the single population use onine dating sites.
Just a thought and good luck!!!!
Barbara

I would say...wait until your divorce is final before you start trying to seriously date. The separated but not yet divorced is a real turn off for most men AND women. If you meet someone and he is okay with the separated thing...its probably because he is not looking for committment anyway...so its all good with him. If you are not looking for anything serious than this would not matter. I definitely agree with Mack Mama about the online dating. You might be one of the fortunate ones among few who can catch a good one online but its a lot of work and there are a lot of goof balls on there.  I had ran across a Registered Sexual Offender. That right there was enough to turn me smooth off from the online thing!!!! Gurl...GOOGLE  the crap out of their azzes and do background checks no matter what you decide!!!!

Once your divorce is final...start going to events and activities to increase your exposure. Go to Alumni Events, Networking events, Look online for events centered around your interests (travel, photography etc...).  Shoot...dont wait...do this right now! Just focus on having fun with YOU!!! You just might inadvertently meet someone in that way.
 
I wish you all the best!!!!


..

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was in a 6 year relationship, and then single for a year. So I was like I dont even remember how to just date. So I just went on about my every day life, doing things that I enjoy. Then BAM one day this guy hit me up on a website that I often frequent....so the rest is history. I wouldnt say over look meeting someone off the net, just be VERY careful and TAKE YOUR TIME. Who knows what you may find. I would think about getting your divorce finalized first though. Being married is a turn off for alot of people.

It is coming my sister.   They are nice single men out there and you will most likely meet them in places that will catch you off guard !

I too am a believer in "me" and making sure that I am ready for dating and relationship.    I am okay at the present with my dating life.
Sometime I just do not want to be bother.  

It will come together for you when probably least expected,  be it on line or off line.

I had GREAT success with Match.com, I would recommend that over some of the other sites, they seem to have more of a "higher caliber" type of men and professionals  than MOST sites. I think it's natural for MOST men to say they want SLENDER women, but I am NOT skinny and I still had to "beat" some guys off me...lol, I got plenty of emails and winks daily and I NEVER searched for guys, I would say be yourself, I found out men LOVE women with CONFIDENCE.

I would suggest putting up full length CLEAR photos and be honest and don't just put up a photo of your face this way men know what they are getting and there will be NO surprises and if they don't like your type they can just skip, this is what I did, it took me 2 years to find my sweetie, but overall my Match experience was good, I had a few bad apples, I had a few JERKS too, I had one guy told me that I was BIGGER than my picture and one guy told me that I was DARKER than my pics and these were brothas LOL...I did NOT TAKE it personal I was not HIS type and I kept moving.

On line dating is just like nightclub BUT I find it better, you can view their profiles and see if there is any interest, I NEVER approached a guy and sent him a wink or email, I figure if I just VIEW their profiles then perhaps they would see me and send me a wink, I am old fashioned and figure the guy should make the first move, but again there have been plenty of women that wink and send guys emails and found connections.

You will tell RIGHT AWAY if the guy REALLY likes you, if he ONLY wants to TEXT MOST of the time...those ARE BAD SIGNS or if he does NOT want to bring you around HIS family or friends, if he is NOT totally in to you, that's a bad sign don't waste your time with those type of men, just keep moving, I met my fiance back in March and we hit it off immediately and he treats me like a queen, and I am NOT skinny, in fact I have gained some weight snce we met with him wining me and dining me so much...LOL,  and we are getting married next year......you will KNOW when you meet the right guy. 

I am like you, I got back out there in the dating arena after being married MOST of my adult like you and BOY was it different, men are NOT the same gentlemen they WERE 15 to 20 years ago I am assuming this is a result of WOMEN being MORE DESPERATE and men think they can treat women any kind of way...LOL....it took a LOT of men and dates to find my knight in shining amour, but MOST of the men I dating were nice and paid for dinner even it there were no chemistry...good luck and prepare for a ride, hang in there, if you don't feel COMFORTABLE at your current size, just browse the website and see what kind of hits you get and once you feel comfortable with your size then post full lenght photos....GOOD LUCK

GO TO SOME AFTER HOUR SPOTS. ME MY SELF I WOULD BE ON HOLD IF A WOMAN SAID SHE BEEN SEPERATED FOR 3 YEARS AND HAVE NOT YET DIVORCED, ESPECIALLY IF I WANTED SOMETHING SERIOUS. CONGRATS ON YOUR 90 POUND LOSS.