OT: Online Dating - part II - what's in YOUR profile???

I had to dig in the crates, but here is my old profile:

How would you describe yourself?:

I'm relaxed and friendly with a great smile and great sense of humor. I love just hanging out with family and friends over a great meal or going out and trying something new. I love my work but also like to just forget about it and escape into books, movies, travel or jus****ching tv. Looking, but not desperate. Not Beyonce, more Jennifer - ~~rolling eyes~~ that means I'm what some men would refer to as "thick". Satisfied, but always yearning.

I am looking for:

I would love to spend some time with someone who's optimistic and fun to be around. I hope you're comfortable in jeans, you know what you want, and aren't afraid to show it. You'll find me open-minded, non-judgmental, and loyal. ***EDIT*** * I don't care how tall or wide you are. * I don't care what kind of car you drive. * I do run from men who "Prefers a good Blockbuster night." * I do care to know if you vote. * I do care to know how you managed to bring eight kids into the world and never bothered to marry any of the mothers. * Beauty is skin deep, but if you call yourself as "Stunning", there's a good chance that I'm raising my eyebrow while I'm viewing your pic. * You're a God fearing Christian huh? But you have a username that screams "I Want Sex". Again the eyebrow is raised. Still reading? Today's your lucky day! I'm feeling the need to pass on some friendly advice... 1. Use spel chek or hav a fren lok ova yo porfile. 2. Nothing is wrong with casual use of libations. But if all of your pix show you holding some sort of spirits you could be sending the wrong message... Or a call for help.. Lol. 3. Hotel/Motel pics. Example - Ten different rooms/Ten different pics... Guess someone's busy. 4. Smile. The fairer sex loves to see a handsome man cheesing it up for the camera. That "I never smile/I'm so hard" mess is real old. 5. Club pics. One.. Maybe. Ten or more with half-naked women... Ummm not cool. 6. Stop scanning those old water-stained polaroids. Tacky. 7. Send a quick note, rather than a flirt. I love it! 8. No picture? Get one. I don't like to talk to strangers. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Have a Blessed Day

Geesh...I just read my profile...never realized I was so friggin' sarcastic

I set out to make my profile funny. I did attract lots of guys.

Tips:

Showing off pics at sporting events help.
Use full pix.
Don't use the Glamour Shots pix.
Keep your daughter pic off your profile...crazy mofos out there.
Keep your clothes on...don't show them nuffin!
Keep it real.

4'4" weighing a sexy 444 pounds.  Like short walks on the beach which leave deep foot prints in the sand.  

I like to be feed chocolate dipped strawberries and a full bucket of KFC, not that new baked **** either. 

I like a man with a strong, sexy back, a man who can sweep me up in his arms and carry me to the bedroom without having the use of a crane.

I like a caring man who will wash me in the spots that I can't reach and have gone sour from being stuck together.

If you are a man secure with yours email me and we can do this big girl style.

 Oh Gawd!!!! Lee...you need to quit....I am dying here!

Lee, Lee...you are INSANE!!!

Don't worry girl,  I can help you with your profile and you will get lots of hits.   It's my speciality.

Lee you are too funny...  OMG!!!  You funny....

You are a trip Lee!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!  Looks like me and my ex.  Does laughing so hard coun't as my cardio for the day?

hadda go to the archives too.

Your Ideal Woman (that would be me) likes:  
1.   songs that make you wanna pretend your hairbrush is a microphone
2.   flirting and being flirted with
3.   tearing up at the end of a chick flick (me, not you)
4.   the last 2.2 seconds left on the clock and the team you're rooting for makes the winning shot
5.   all things chocolate (not kidding)
6.   that you know not to use the following words near me (conversate, irregardless, female or axe)
7.   the way black men walk (have mercy)
8.   you making breakfast, especially if you can't cook
9.  finally getting an answer right on Jeopardy
10. reading the last page of a great book
11. now n' laters, house music all night long (say what?!!!), that indestructible afro pick with the fist for a handle……LOL!
12. writing long lists of stuff that he's chuckling at by the time he's finished  

My Ideal Man (that may be you):  
1.      tells the truth (yes, “separated" is still legally married.  yes smoking “on occasion" means you’re a smoker.  i have recent pics in my profile…you should too)
2.      knows why he should walk closest to the curb
3.      looks as turned out in timbs as he does in brooks brothers (and has been granted the God-given wisdom to know the difference)
4.      picks his battles
5.      shows up on time
6.      is capable of leaving circuit city in less than twenty minutes
7.      knows that flowers for no reason are a good thing
8.      puts the remote down sometimes (it cannot save your life in an emergency)
9.      is challenging (not difficult), funny/witty/sarcastic (not mean), articulate (not arrogant), has discriminating taste (not snobbish) and attractive (not denzel, just cute to me)
10. doesn’t struggle to be a gentleman (i've been known to pause in front of door handles)
11. acknowledges that there can only be one pretty one in the relationship 12. keeps/maintains/supports/respects/brings the luh 
 
i came to find out that the list itself was a test ~ they're only paying attention for 120 seconds, keep it shorter than this, no bikini shots, no outta focus shots, no personal info no you and your baby shots and don't waste your time with banter, if he's not the handful of stuff you know you want, neeeeehhhhhxt!