Can you remember your bottom? Long post
My girls and I are in NJ. if you you haven't guessed by now....I am a road warrior. I love travel and being on the go. Its freeing for me and very therapeutic. Well on the drive up...the girls were asleep and I just started thinking about this journey and how far I have come. Its been a struggle for me because i some times DO get caught up in feeling like a failure. Despite ALL I do...I still get overcome with these feelings. Its the reason I am a workaholic AND why I wear so many hats AND have my hand in so many things.
Just like all of you, I tried so many things to lose the weight prior to resorting to WLS. I tried every diet out there, I tried the gray aluminum foil looking sweat suit, I tried starvation, I tried purging, I tried 30 days of inpatient treatment for eating disorders......I tried it all. Over the years, I lost so much weight and yet I would always gain it back and then some.
I started this journey at over 300 lbs AND it was killing me. I had diabetes, sleep apnea, back pain, low self esteem and depression to name a few issues. Despite all of those....the most troubling thing regarding my problems ....was my eating behaviors. I am sure a lot of you can relate. I was a CONSTANT binge eater. I would get up in the middle of the night and make runs to Hardees for not one but two combos AND then go to 7-11 and grab a box of 12 donuts, half gallon of ice cream AND 2 liter soda. I would go home AND eat as much of it until I literally would pass out afterward from the carb load crash. No exaggeration!....I was really sick. I did not eat because I was hungry or greedy.....Food was MY BEST FRIEND! It made me feel loved, it comforted me, I did not feel lonely or concerned with other matters when I was indulging myself in my comfort foods. I made it my drug of choice.
I remember my bottom. I had made one of these regular late night runs....I stopped at Hardees, Taco Bells and Burger King. I was in a lot of emotional pain that night so I needed all the ammunition I could get to drown it. I went home and ATE that food AND cried AND ATE AND cried AND ATE. I was so lonely AND sad AND confused... I then was overcome with anger AND became mad at the food...that I knew was killing me. I took the left overs and threw it in the trash. I then went back AND cried some more. I thought this was the lowest point in my life because I was sitting there thinking of myself as nothing more than A BIG FAT PIG! The name that I heard so many times growing up. This was the reason I had no one in my life to love and support me AND yet I was trying to be everything for everybody else. I could hear the voices ringing in my ears of the kids and family members taunting me; however, the real LOW point came when the self loathing became so STRONG on that particular night that I just said fugg it!...and I went to the trash and retrieved the bag of food that I had thrown away earlier. "Me digging through the dayum trash for food....Ain't this a biotch"! ROCK BOTTOM hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS WAS WHEN I REALIZED that BY ANY MEAN NECESSARY I need to get this DISEASE under control!
While I know I could have done better with my WLS...l do know that I have come so far...with my health, life, self esteem, family and spiritual development. I am no longer on diabetes meds, I no longer use CPAP, I am not lonely, I have energy and overall good sense of well being. I have a GOD that loves me so much, Dont get me wrong... I have my days....we all do....but for the most part.....I AM DOING THE DAYUM THING! I will focus on how far I have come and not on how far I should have come. I feel great today. Thanks for letting me share family. LOVE U TODAY!
BEFORE: well over 300lbs
7/21/09: 225lbs in this pic...I am solid...so I think another 25-30 pounds will do the trick...plus tummy tuck and breast life....WATCH OUT THERE NOW!
Just like all of you, I tried so many things to lose the weight prior to resorting to WLS. I tried every diet out there, I tried the gray aluminum foil looking sweat suit, I tried starvation, I tried purging, I tried 30 days of inpatient treatment for eating disorders......I tried it all. Over the years, I lost so much weight and yet I would always gain it back and then some.
I started this journey at over 300 lbs AND it was killing me. I had diabetes, sleep apnea, back pain, low self esteem and depression to name a few issues. Despite all of those....the most troubling thing regarding my problems ....was my eating behaviors. I am sure a lot of you can relate. I was a CONSTANT binge eater. I would get up in the middle of the night and make runs to Hardees for not one but two combos AND then go to 7-11 and grab a box of 12 donuts, half gallon of ice cream AND 2 liter soda. I would go home AND eat as much of it until I literally would pass out afterward from the carb load crash. No exaggeration!....I was really sick. I did not eat because I was hungry or greedy.....Food was MY BEST FRIEND! It made me feel loved, it comforted me, I did not feel lonely or concerned with other matters when I was indulging myself in my comfort foods. I made it my drug of choice.
I remember my bottom. I had made one of these regular late night runs....I stopped at Hardees, Taco Bells and Burger King. I was in a lot of emotional pain that night so I needed all the ammunition I could get to drown it. I went home and ATE that food AND cried AND ATE AND cried AND ATE. I was so lonely AND sad AND confused... I then was overcome with anger AND became mad at the food...that I knew was killing me. I took the left overs and threw it in the trash. I then went back AND cried some more. I thought this was the lowest point in my life because I was sitting there thinking of myself as nothing more than A BIG FAT PIG! The name that I heard so many times growing up. This was the reason I had no one in my life to love and support me AND yet I was trying to be everything for everybody else. I could hear the voices ringing in my ears of the kids and family members taunting me; however, the real LOW point came when the self loathing became so STRONG on that particular night that I just said fugg it!...and I went to the trash and retrieved the bag of food that I had thrown away earlier. "Me digging through the dayum trash for food....Ain't this a biotch"! ROCK BOTTOM hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS WAS WHEN I REALIZED that BY ANY MEAN NECESSARY I need to get this DISEASE under control!
While I know I could have done better with my WLS...l do know that I have come so far...with my health, life, self esteem, family and spiritual development. I am no longer on diabetes meds, I no longer use CPAP, I am not lonely, I have energy and overall good sense of well being. I have a GOD that loves me so much, Dont get me wrong... I have my days....we all do....but for the most part.....I AM DOING THE DAYUM THING! I will focus on how far I have come and not on how far I should have come. I feel great today. Thanks for letting me share family. LOVE U TODAY!
BEFORE: well over 300lbs
7/21/09: 225lbs in this pic...I am solid...so I think another 25-30 pounds will do the trick...plus tummy tuck and breast life....WATCH OUT THERE NOW!
(deactivated member)
on 7/25/09 7:35 am
on 7/25/09 7:35 am
You look beautiful, and so much younger than in your before picture.
I had a lot of instances that should have been my bottom, but I guess I am hard headed. At 19 I went to an amusement park with friends, only to be asked to get off the ride since the saftey rails wouldn't close with me in place. I went on a weeekend get away with friends only to be told on my return leg I needed to buy an extra seat due to my size. I have so many times of being humiliated and made fun of that are too numerous to count.
More than losing weight I've been on an emotional and mental journey. I had to come to the place where I loved and accepted myself and was as happy and healthy as I could be before exploring surgery.
I so hope this post isn't in response to mine yesterday. I don't judge and don't look at anyone's weight loss as a failure. Any day where you weigh less and are healthier than before is a good day and success in my book.
I had a lot of instances that should have been my bottom, but I guess I am hard headed. At 19 I went to an amusement park with friends, only to be asked to get off the ride since the saftey rails wouldn't close with me in place. I went on a weeekend get away with friends only to be told on my return leg I needed to buy an extra seat due to my size. I have so many times of being humiliated and made fun of that are too numerous to count.
More than losing weight I've been on an emotional and mental journey. I had to come to the place where I loved and accepted myself and was as happy and healthy as I could be before exploring surgery.
I so hope this post isn't in response to mine yesterday. I don't judge and don't look at anyone's weight loss as a failure. Any day where you weigh less and are healthier than before is a good day and success in my book.
Hey Michelle,
No sweetie... its not a response to your post yesterday per se. Its more a response to the feelings it conjured up in me. I did not take your post personally...I know it was not addressed to me. It just got me to thinking....it was actually a good thing. Because as I said, "I" have those feelings of failure all the time. I need to practice more positive self affirmations. I think this post was simply another way to do that for myself...and hopefully remind others of their bottoms and how far they have come. We all need to give ourselves pats on the back more...I think.
I feel you about the amusement park incident....similar thing happened to me. I was so happy about a month ago...I took the girls to Hershey Park...and all 3 of us sat in the same ride!...That was a wow moment that made me so proud. Keep doing u Michelle...you provide a lot of support on this board and I have nothing but respect for you.
No sweetie... its not a response to your post yesterday per se. Its more a response to the feelings it conjured up in me. I did not take your post personally...I know it was not addressed to me. It just got me to thinking....it was actually a good thing. Because as I said, "I" have those feelings of failure all the time. I need to practice more positive self affirmations. I think this post was simply another way to do that for myself...and hopefully remind others of their bottoms and how far they have come. We all need to give ourselves pats on the back more...I think.
I feel you about the amusement park incident....similar thing happened to me. I was so happy about a month ago...I took the girls to Hershey Park...and all 3 of us sat in the same ride!...That was a wow moment that made me so proud. Keep doing u Michelle...you provide a lot of support on this board and I have nothing but respect for you.
Your story is heart wrenching. My personal bottom does not really compare. Fear led me to wls. Fear of a sudden stroke or heart attack. My bottom was doing nothing. Afraid of what was then, and of what may or may not be my outcome.
I'd always been the fat kid. The heavy teen, a few sizes larger than my friends. I was also fit and in as good or better condition than my thin friends even into our forties. I've exercised regularly since age 13. I don't have any of the awfull stories I've read on OH. Untill recently I did not know how blessed I was.
Bad eating habits, starving by day and making up for missed meals at night got me to my high of 280-285 lbs. I managed to struggle and loose 50 lbs by changing habits as opposed to real dieting, but I could not make any further progress.
Bouncing between 245 and 265, depending on my medications but generally at 250, my bp frequently spiked to around 200/120. This was with several bp meds, regular cardio exercise, and a low salt diet.
It became all consuming because I never felt any symptoms at all. Pure mental torture. Daily I would wonder it that stroke or heart attack was going to happen now. Then in worrying about my own demise, I started eating foods I had not bought regularly in 20 years. Things like chips and cookies and simple carbs.
I was just crazy like I wanted that major cardiac disaster over with so I'd help it along. I was totally OCD thinking about a stroke and crippled with fear that my bp would be too high for surgery. Total self destructive paralysis was my bottom.
I have my daughter to thank for my rny. She's one of us too and I urged her to do what I was not doing for myself. In shame, I finally made my first appointment six weeks after her surgery.
Never before in my life had I been hesitant or indecisive about anything. It took nine years of research and careful consideration plus my daughter's courage to take the plunge. She was in middle school when I started to look into surgery and she's in grad school now.
I still struggle to loose even with my rny, but by the grace of God I'm no longer sitting idle.
I'd always been the fat kid. The heavy teen, a few sizes larger than my friends. I was also fit and in as good or better condition than my thin friends even into our forties. I've exercised regularly since age 13. I don't have any of the awfull stories I've read on OH. Untill recently I did not know how blessed I was.
Bad eating habits, starving by day and making up for missed meals at night got me to my high of 280-285 lbs. I managed to struggle and loose 50 lbs by changing habits as opposed to real dieting, but I could not make any further progress.
Bouncing between 245 and 265, depending on my medications but generally at 250, my bp frequently spiked to around 200/120. This was with several bp meds, regular cardio exercise, and a low salt diet.
It became all consuming because I never felt any symptoms at all. Pure mental torture. Daily I would wonder it that stroke or heart attack was going to happen now. Then in worrying about my own demise, I started eating foods I had not bought regularly in 20 years. Things like chips and cookies and simple carbs.
I was just crazy like I wanted that major cardiac disaster over with so I'd help it along. I was totally OCD thinking about a stroke and crippled with fear that my bp would be too high for surgery. Total self destructive paralysis was my bottom.
I have my daughter to thank for my rny. She's one of us too and I urged her to do what I was not doing for myself. In shame, I finally made my first appointment six weeks after her surgery.
Never before in my life had I been hesitant or indecisive about anything. It took nine years of research and careful consideration plus my daughter's courage to take the plunge. She was in middle school when I started to look into surgery and she's in grad school now.
I still struggle to loose even with my rny, but by the grace of God I'm no longer sitting idle.
MSW Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass: Eat sensibly & enjoy moderation
Links: Are you a compulsive eater? for help OA meets on-line Keep Coming Back, One Day At a Time Overeaters Anonymous
L
V'N MY RNY. WORKING FOR ME BECAUSE I WORK FOR IT.
Hey MSW!
Thanks so much for sharing. The one thing I know for sure...feelings are so relative...so please don't downplay your pain next to the pain of others BUT it is good that you can feel blessed as a result of hearing other folks stories.
Wow...I bet that was torturous...thinking about dying all the time...see when we talk about bottoms...the shioot goes deep.
It must be nice to be able to share your journey with you daughter....support one another.
Congrats on HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!
Thanks so much for sharing. The one thing I know for sure...feelings are so relative...so please don't downplay your pain next to the pain of others BUT it is good that you can feel blessed as a result of hearing other folks stories.
Wow...I bet that was torturous...thinking about dying all the time...see when we talk about bottoms...the shioot goes deep.
It must be nice to be able to share your journey with you daughter....support one another.
Congrats on HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!
Things brings back tearful memories....
I remember the day my daughter brought me a Lunchable and fruit cup for her lunch. She asked me to open it for her, and I told her to go to the kitchen and get a spoon. By the time she got back, I had eaten her lunch....there she was just bawling and I felt so horrible beyond belief.
I knew then, that I had to do something.
By the grace of God, I was afforded the opportunity to have WLS, because my employer was not covering it for the next beneft year, I had WLS in December 2005....just in time. I haven't made my personal goal of 170lbs, but I'm glad of what I have accomplished....from 376 to 195 to 207(pregnancy gain).
After the baby, I will get back to serious business and work towards a tummy tuck.
I remember the day my daughter brought me a Lunchable and fruit cup for her lunch. She asked me to open it for her, and I told her to go to the kitchen and get a spoon. By the time she got back, I had eaten her lunch....there she was just bawling and I felt so horrible beyond belief.
I knew then, that I had to do something.
By the grace of God, I was afforded the opportunity to have WLS, because my employer was not covering it for the next beneft year, I had WLS in December 2005....just in time. I haven't made my personal goal of 170lbs, but I'm glad of what I have accomplished....from 376 to 195 to 207(pregnancy gain).
After the baby, I will get back to serious business and work towards a tummy tuck.
Life is not about making it through the storm....but learning how to dance in the rain. 
Hey Hershey Dream!
Thanks for sharing. Your recount choked me up...hurt in a child's eye's is definitely a heart crushing thing. I think its a great thing that we have done something that has hopefully given us more time to be with our kids....to nurture their development. All of the comorbitities associated with obesity...definitely was not working to our advantage in that area.
I peeped your profile before AND did see that you have definitely worked that tool!
Congrats on HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!
Thanks for sharing. Your recount choked me up...hurt in a child's eye's is definitely a heart crushing thing. I think its a great thing that we have done something that has hopefully given us more time to be with our kids....to nurture their development. All of the comorbitities associated with obesity...definitely was not working to our advantage in that area.
I peeped your profile before AND did see that you have definitely worked that tool!
Congrats on HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!
Thanks for your post. You look beautiful and fthough I don't know you, from your posts, I get the sense of a beautiful person both inside and out.
Its important to remember where we come from. I first gained weight at about 12-13 years old and have sruggled with compulsive eating since. I was never a night time eater but I know what it is to binge eat. My favorite escape was to sit up at the my favorite chinese food buffet by myself - I didn't want anybody to know or comment on how much I was eating] and just zone out. I know what it is to try to eat the pain away - it worked but the price was so high. I wasn't feeling the pain - I wasn't feeling anything but full all of the time. I didn't think about nothing but where the next meal was coming from. If anybody said, lets take a ride - be it across the state or across town my first thought was - where we gonna eat and how am I gonna get my food...At its worse, I did the minimal to keep my life going. I went to work, I came home and I ate...being single and childlessI could get away with doing just that... I kept my head in a book and a fork in my mouth.
On those occasions when I had to face reality, I was devastated; clothes shopping was trauma - trying on ever larger sizes and realizing if I didn't do anything, I'd be too big to go shop at the Avenue or Lane Bryant was a low point. 28's were getting tight. A clothing shopping trip would depress me for days on end. I never had a "big and beautiful" attitutude some women of size have.. The bigger I got the lower my self esteem got. I forgot how to love myself. Why dress nice when everything looked horrible, why treat myself to manicures or pedicures...I looked in the mirror for the minimal amount of time just enough to see that everything was on straight. ...
I'm glad i never have to live like that again...its certainly was never all about the weight (my highest was 384) the weight for me was a symptom that became a distraction and a problem in its own right. ...I got some counseling and still continue cause I don't want to be where I was...WLS was not the cure but just the process of me seeking WLS for me- which for me started about 5 months before i actually had surgery was a life-changing catalyst.
I Sorry for the long post - you obviously touched a cord in me. I am grateful.
Peace,
Rhonda
Its important to remember where we come from. I first gained weight at about 12-13 years old and have sruggled with compulsive eating since. I was never a night time eater but I know what it is to binge eat. My favorite escape was to sit up at the my favorite chinese food buffet by myself - I didn't want anybody to know or comment on how much I was eating] and just zone out. I know what it is to try to eat the pain away - it worked but the price was so high. I wasn't feeling the pain - I wasn't feeling anything but full all of the time. I didn't think about nothing but where the next meal was coming from. If anybody said, lets take a ride - be it across the state or across town my first thought was - where we gonna eat and how am I gonna get my food...At its worse, I did the minimal to keep my life going. I went to work, I came home and I ate...being single and childlessI could get away with doing just that... I kept my head in a book and a fork in my mouth.
On those occasions when I had to face reality, I was devastated; clothes shopping was trauma - trying on ever larger sizes and realizing if I didn't do anything, I'd be too big to go shop at the Avenue or Lane Bryant was a low point. 28's were getting tight. A clothing shopping trip would depress me for days on end. I never had a "big and beautiful" attitutude some women of size have.. The bigger I got the lower my self esteem got. I forgot how to love myself. Why dress nice when everything looked horrible, why treat myself to manicures or pedicures...I looked in the mirror for the minimal amount of time just enough to see that everything was on straight. ...
I'm glad i never have to live like that again...its certainly was never all about the weight (my highest was 384) the weight for me was a symptom that became a distraction and a problem in its own right. ...I got some counseling and still continue cause I don't want to be where I was...WLS was not the cure but just the process of me seeking WLS for me- which for me started about 5 months before i actually had surgery was a life-changing catalyst.
I Sorry for the long post - you obviously touched a cord in me. I am grateful.
Peace,
Rhonda
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