If you are not with your child's other parent come in..

I am a single parent of a 7 year old daughter and I firmly believe that the best thing that her father and I did was to not be together. But there is a clear difference between us and a lot of people. First his parents were/are still together and my mother and father though never married and seperated when a was a baby they kept a very civil relationship for my sake. Don't get me wrong there were some rough time between them but for the most part it was cool. I had a very different up bringing, my stepfather was great and he and my dad were cool for my sake. My dad was able to come to our house and spend time with me w/o any issues. Therefore when I was facing a similar situation. I explained to my child's father before she was even born that if we were not together that because of how I was raised I would like for us to be ok for her sake. By the time I was 8 months pregnant I knew I couldn't be with him for various reasons and even though it took about two yrs to get things just right it worked out. Now we have a great mixed family relationship, his girlfriend love my child and all of the kids see us having a healthy and civil relationship(they have 3 other kids). But the best thing I ever did was leave my child's father and remain civil. Just in case you all are wondering, no it's not because he does everything right, I do not get one red cent of child support but that has nothing to do with the relationship between my daughter and her father. And no we do not sleep together, nor do I have the desire and I think he's over it too. I just know how Important it is that my child has that relationship and money can't buy that, nor can it replace the time they spend together.

So I tell everyone I talk to, NEVER stay with someone for children because your unhealthy, unhappy relationship will only hurt them more. Children are better off in a seperated happy family than one thats together and in turmoil all the time. And that's my 2 cents worth!!

I concur with the thought that it simply "depends" on the adults involved....

My husband (EX-husband) decided to walk away from me and his 3 children in 2003....I didn't want the divorce nor did I want my children to be raised without their dad so I did everything I could to make him stay...but I came to myself and realized that if the ninja wanted to go let him go...but for 2 years I held onto the notion that I wanted my family together...in February of 2005 I was real tired of waiting so I filed for divorce and it was final in June....

I live in CT so the day he picked up in July 2003 and decided to move to FL....he basically made the decision to not be in my children's lives....Even to this day...he barely calls....all three of them have cell phones so that he can speak directly to them since he "hates the sound of my voice"

My thing is I am BETTER and he is BITTER. I would never do anything to keep him from his children, but at the same time, I refuse to let him hurt them continually by being a revolving door, in and out whenever he pleases....either he is gonna be in or he is gonna be out...

I don't speak with him...and that is his choice...but I am determined that my children aren't gonna be messed up behind it...not on my watch....they are 14, 12, and 9 now and although they miss their father....they are not emotional wrecks behind it...they have access to him and call and speak to him whenever they want....the sad thing is that HE is missing out...cause most of the time they don't even want to speak to him...and thats them coming to their own conclusions about it....

His Loss...cuz my children are thriving and we are all keeping it moving....without bitterness...I don 't say an unkind word about him...ever....(not to them anyway!) Lol

I don't go for all the arguing and carrying on in front of the children....uncalled for....

thats just my experience....

Alicia

You go girl because I am in these shoes myself. My son is only 4 and he is so damn tired of his daddy. He refuses to talk to him all the time says he is stupid. Now I know I shouldn't him disrespect him but hey that's how he feels. He was 1 when he first met his dad (military stationed him in Japan before he was born), then he is here in CA and then wants to go back to IN when he being stupid and I won't budge. Then he calls me back and says I want my marriage and family so I give it to him but then again he jumps up and leave. Now this time even though were were arguing when he left, I am giving him so time because I know he is still joined to his mama's breast but she is dying with cancer any day now so I am trying to let him have his moment. But it's killing our children......I can't help that at 29.5 I have lived long before my years and I tend to know a little bit more then a man at 28.5!

Ok, I am going to put my 2cents in this coming from all angles of experience on this! My parents separated when I was young but kept a good friendship, scratch that a great friendship even while my dad lived with his other woman (the reason they separated). Now I have 4 children by 3 different men (bang on me if you will but I am a strong one)! My first child was thru my ex husband (wife before I was a mother) and I have the same relationships with all of my exs' like my mother had with my dad.

Now my husband and I have 2 children together and he is on his way to becoming an ex and he just can't get it right. He is a product of a bad ending and this is why I am trying to be his friend. I told him we don't have to like each other but we have to get along in front of these kids in order to bring them up without having some kind of ill feelings for the other parent which will probably be on his end because I am always there. I think emotions run so high that we get catch up on what is being done to US and not what should be done for the KIDS. A person don't have to stay to gether but at least act like parents instead of children.

So maybe rather than encouraging them to maybe think about working it out as in being together maybe they should work it out so that they can raise the children together. See my husband is back in his hometown caring for his dying mother but sometimes he get so mad at me that he won't call or do anything for his kids (ages 1 and a sharp 4 year old). I had to call and tell him that he is not hurting me but he is killing his kids. He is not punishing me by not calling or even saying is is not coming back because it's his kids that need him....not me. He hates it when I am calm and cool and I just know every damn thang! Can't help that either because I have lived long before my years (married at 17 divorced at 22)!

Yes I think we do OWE it to our children to be civil co-parents  IF we can.
But understand that means that both parents have to be mature,  gainfully employed  and equally invested in the child's well being.

My problem is that I couldnt do that with the monkey of a sperm donor that contributed to my fertilized egg.     ( Mj's Bubbles probably would have been a better father )  as my daughter's dad was just lacking and slacking  by all accounts.  And I was too young and dum to see it for what it was when he approached me in the street.  


After her birth, he NEVER stepped  up cause he was too busy jealous of my child,  angered that he could NO longer manipulate me, and being Mr. Loverman all over the tri-state area by making more children then he could afford.   Thank Goodness for child support  - I got mine first

Had he been a different man I would have gladly welcomed him in her life because it hasnt been easy raising her by my self and working a full time job at the same time. I am thankful to my parents for stepping in and helping me with my daughter during her formative years. 

Today my daughter and I both realize that his absence and neglect havent had much impact on her life,  except to make her the lovely, strong, intellectually sound, highly ambitious young woman that she is.  And he still aint worth a wet food stamp.  

Edited to add : 

Please tell your cousin that one monkey dont stop No show and to keep her head up.

Plenty of single moms have gone on to raise successful, well adjusted  children....
my kid is one of them.   She should just  press on & pray often. 

To this day my 22 year old daughter *****es that she never got the benefit of her divorced parents competing to buy her love, lol.  My ex and I are close as are both of our extended families although everyone knows there will be blizzards in hell before we reunite. 

We made a joint decision that we would raise our child with a united front.  It was not perfect, especially during the teenaged years when we often disagreed.  Still, I wish more parents would just stand together where the kids are concerned. 

Within our families there are unfortunate outcomes that could have been avoided if mom and dad stood strong together instead of contradicting each other and allowing their teens to manipulate the situation.  It resulted in the kids having plenty of rope to hang himself and there is no turning back the clock.  Young lives have been ruined. 

that's what I told my husband what happened between us if we have kids we in it to win it....

My baby daddy is such a dumb **** since we have gotten divorced (1997), we have not had a civil moment...and my kids are ****** up for it...

They're 21 and 16 and I just told them that I got their counseling bill until they turn 30...

When I was divorced I left the visitation totally open so he could get his kids when ever he wanted. He hasn't seen them in years. When I got remarried I received a letter from my ex asking when the new hubby was gonna adopt the kids so he could quit payin support. The sad thing is that the kids will probably end up saying the whole situation is somehow my fault since I never bad mouth the ass.

Interesting topic...

Anyway, I have an ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend/baby daddy (however you want to look at it)..

But anways, the ex-husband hasn't been around for 13 years (my daugther is now 16)...  That story has been written, read, and closed.... IT IS WHAT IT IS..  No contact, no nothing, but that's that.  She's fine and is turning out to  be quite a young lady (when we ain't arguing like OLD friends)...  LOL

As for the ex-boyfriend/baby daddy -- The relationship had it's ups and downs, but what I did notice is that when the relationship was up, the kids where taken care of, when the relationship was down, the kids where NOT taken care of...  And the maddness started!!!  Oh and did it start....  The break up was UGLY to say the least!!!!  And YES, the kids paid for it (which was NOT the plan, but it did happen)...

We have both since moved on and he is now married, but it is my goal to raise our kids together, HOWEVER, the crazinest does show it's head sometimes as there is definitely still some unresolved feelings/emotions/anger -- however you look at it.  It does and can get complicated, but if everyone is HAPPY in their new life, and have truly MOVED on, than why the madness?  I am older than he is and can now look back and see the issues, etc.  BUT I just want to live a stress free life, as much as I can....

I am truly and honestly willing to put all the craziest behind me and raise our kids with him/his wife or without him, but either way, CHILDREN should not be held accountable for the crazienest of their parents, it's not fare and it's not right...

And yes, I do agree, there are some messed up kids because of their messed up parents, but life is really like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you are going to get.  BUT you can change it if it's not going the way you planned....  Well at least you can attempt to change it....  Even our kids which are the product of a once love -- maybe gone wrong, they live, they learn and they can make their own choices when they get older. 

God bless.