OT - Notes on your horoscope from the Over-worked Astrologer

After tirelessly studying the positions of the stars of the Zodiac and carefully analyzing their constellations in respect to the Earth, our chief astrologist, Morpheus Neo Brown, has come to the following conclusions on today's horoscopes:

Aquarius - You are the wackiest of all of the zodiac signs.  Fifteen minutes alone talking to you is like trying to hold a conversation with a pathological liar who suffers from ADHD hopped up on cocaine.  Sit your happy azz down, read a dayum book all the way through, and take that stupid looking clown hat off. 

Pisces - Your very fishy attitude leaves a real stink when you are left out among others for too long.  Why don't you get a hobby like shuttin' the fugg up or minding your own gott-dayum business?  You can never go wrong with making yourself a stranger.  However, you do make a really nice Lemon-Butter cake so I'd hate to miss out on that.

Aries - You're a natural born leader. People look up to you for guidance.  However, that doesn't give you the right to be such a *****  Relax Sgt. Nobodygivesa**** and act likeyou've got some understanding that it's not all about you.  Not everybody was meant tobe a soldier in your army of one.  Also stop spelling the word "team" with an "I" okay?

Taurus - You're strong willed and have an unwavering spirit.  I like that.  If you'd wash your butt and armpits and use a little deodarant from time to time you'd undoubtedly smell better.  But then again you're too stubborn to take advice so I'll just stay away from you so that my nose won't suffer.

Gemini - Your duality of mind makes you one big ball of confusion and a gigantic undecisive mofo.  You couldn't tell your azz from a hole in the ground.  Pick a side, Genius, and stick to it.  Nobody likes that wishy-washy bi-sexual inspired, say it and back peddle, should-I or should-I-not attitude of yours.

Cancer - First of all, that name has just got to go.  It's gotta be tough trying to hold your head up high with a zodiac sign name that reminds people of something that their loved one died from?  Why not just call yourself something else brilliant instead like Fool, Scum, or Douchebag.  By the way "Jackass" works well too.  

Leo - You whiny cry-baby you!  You're not always right about everything you know and no we don't have to always do things your way.  The problem is you're too used to getting things your way, you spoiled brat.  Sit down and shut the hell up!  That is...  if you want to.

Virgo - Stop being such a gott-dayum wuss and grow a pair will ya?  You've got about 99 problems but being soft doesn't have to be one.  Now pick up the check for our lunch, take my laundry to the dry cleaners, and do my grocery shopping, Punk.  Oh... uh...  I mean, Buddy.

Libra - Balance is what you strive for in life.  Good.  Too bad that doesn't apply to your bank account.  I can tell red is your favorite color because you're never in the black.  Stop spending money that you don't have and learn to just do without sometimes. Jeez!  Now let's head over to the mall and do some fierce window shopping shall we?

Scorpio - Hmmm...  I would tell you about yourself but I'm not going to give you a reason to want to assassinate me, you methodically planning, cold-hearted, potentially murderous, diabolically calculating, serial-killing sonova*****  Nice shoes.

Sagittarius - The name of your zodiac sign sounds like something you'd bring back biologically from a pretty wild weekend in Vegas:

Patient: "Doc!  My penis looks like it's been deep fried in Crisco oil! What could it be?"
Doctor: "My boy, I'm afraid you have... Sagittarius!"
Patient: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Capricorn - You're not a carefree party person so why the hell did you let your soulmate drag your lame azz to this party so that you can drag everybody else down?  Go home and get a friggin personality.  Buy one if you have to but don't come bac****il your mission is complete.


Due to obvious reasons, Mr. Brown, has just been relieved (fired) from his post as our Chief Astrologer!  We hope that he finally gets the rest that he so deperately needs.