I had a dream last night

and I woke up in a cold sweat. I felt the need to post my thoughts here before I forget and perhaps get some thoughts from my BAF fam. I rarely dream...or at least I rarely remember them.

The dream started fast and it was over with very fast. I don't know if any of it has to do with so many folks dying so close to one another....that the topic of death was on my mind when I went to sleep. All I know is that the dream was so vivid...that when I woke up...it felt like I had been given a call to action.

The dream started with me standing by this deli cart. I know right....the dream would have to have some dayum food involved...lol. Well I was standing there patiently waiting to buy myself a sandwich...turkey and cheese on whole wheat.  The lady at the deli cart was assembling these lunch boxes and it was taking some time for her to assemble one.  She had to fold the card board a certain way upon itself to get it to resemble a box...and then she put a sandwich, a bag of chip, an apple, condiment and utensil inside. She did this for several cycles... She knew I was standing there...she wasn't rude and I was not upset with her for not acknowledging me standing there. For a moment I also got lost in the art of what she was doing.... So any way...I feel my sugar level start to drop...I am getting hungrier...at one point when the lady is not looking...I snag a sandwich and head out the door and up a flight of stairs. I don't know what in hell made me steal the sandwich as oppose to just interrupting her and paying for the dayum thing (but it was a dream so I had no control). (Sidenote: I was a young booster (shop lifter with skills) back in the day ...so its  not like I have never stole before...but that was many moons ago as a juvenile). Point being...the dream was believable.
 
~ Back to the dream~

So I get to the top of the steps, thinking that I have gotten away scott free (don't ask me why I did not go further...I start to eat the sandwich.....when the lady comes out the door and meet me at the top of the stairs to find me sitting there with this turkey half chewed with a piece hanging out my mouth.  She just looks at me....and I just burst into tears without any provocation from her.  This stranger looks familiar...she friendly...and she says not a word to me...she just leans over and hugs me so tight. I am sobbing incessantly into her arms. At this moment, I just start to have all sorts of flash backs of my sister....as a baby....as a little girl with her snaggo teeth...as a teenager with her gentle smile and shyness. All that I can think of at this particular moment is her spirit and how she has been wandering around aimlessly for all these years without a final resting place.

At this moment I wake up...I am drenched with sweat and I have tears on my cheeks.obviously crying through the dream.  I immediately came to the computer....and started this thread...still logged in from last night.  Right now at this moment, I feel the need to have arrangements made in Topeka, Kansas for a head stone to be place near my other sister for my missing sister Jeffrey Lynn......I want her to have a place to finally rest in peace.  .OH LORD......OH LORD..... OH LORD.....  I can't believe I am writing this....its so painful....but I know I have to do something...right now....the helplessness is killing me. Its been too dayum long. I don't know what my mom will think about the idea.  Just because we do this...if we agree...does not mean we will give up the hunt for her justice....but I know it will make me feel better...especially after thoughts of having her spirit wandering around...this might seem silly to some...but for me RIGHT NOW AT THIS INSTANT IT FEELS VERY REAL!!!! 

Thanks for letting me get this out. 

You know....I thank God for this board...I have never met any one of you...that will change today at the NYC Meet and Greet...but I really really feel like you all are my family...regardless of whether I have disagreements with some of you or not...regardless of what you think of me I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!  I mean that sincerely and from my heart. Thank for letting me share.       



edit typo

Right here

Thanks Ro...I know some folks probably get tired of hearing about her....but she was my heart. I think it will make me feel better to get the head stone....start to put some closure. Does not mean that I am giving up or that I dont care anymore.   

I appreciate the support MM. Keep doing your thang.

Much love, Luv. 

Thanks so much Ayy....yep....slowly but sholly I am moving in the right direction. I appreciate your support.

 Giving you a hug from mysel and then a big group hug from you BAF family.

Thank BB....it a very slow healing process....but ....every day brings more strenght and more insight.