I'm Having Issues

No, not those issues!!!  I was raised in small town MS.  Errbody knew each other; errbody spoke to each other no matter where they saw you at.  So, speaking to folk I knew was like an obsession to me growing up.  We were "common" folk.  Hard working, didn't have much (actually didn't have sh*t).  I didn't want to be seen as "he act like he don't know nobody" type.  Cause we WILL say that shiznit in a minute.  And that always irked the hell out of me.

When I moved away at age 19, away from the small town atmosphere, I saw that people don't really give a shiznit about speaking or if you speak to them or not.  It really bothered me walking down the hallway past someone I knew and having them not speak to me.  But that was my small town way of thinking.  I used to be offended by it.  Now I know that MOST people don't mean anything bad by it.  They simply have stuff on their minds or they simply think I've already rendered greeting earlier and it doesn't make sense to do it every time I see him.

So, I got it.  Post WLS has been bitter sweet in this regard.  Having lost 56 lbs, I obviously get little compliments here and there, which we all have.  While I feel good about it, I also feel more self conscious.  I'm starting to develop these feelings of "what if I accidentally don't speak to someone I know or don't acknowledge someone?".  It's worse when I walk into a crowded area like the cafeteria.  I tend to keep my head down because I don't want to inadvertently miss someone.  We all know how, in a crowded place, we can look directly at someone or in there general direction and don't see them.  And I don't want word going round saying that "since he lost all that weight, he think he better than errbody else" OR "he don't know nobody now".  So, loosing weight has restored lots of confidence, but I'm hesitant to display it around people I know just for that reason.

Now, I know this might seem petty to many other people.  Some people do their thing and don't worry bout other folks.  That's fine, but for some reason, I can't seem to shake this shiznit.  I got a friend that tells me all the time don't worry bout what folks think.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't have a problem with what folk think in most any other regard, but this one element is one that I obsess about.  GEESH!!!

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest.  I'm curious if anyone else shares similar issues??

In my small town, I have been told that I am sneaky/funny acting. I just tend to stay to myself and not have people over my house every time you turn around.  Van, do you and keep it moving.    For you own good, shake it off my brotha! 

I have that issue to an extent.  I am originally from New York and believe it or not I LOVE saying "Hello!" to people.  Now people usually dub northerners as unfriendly. Well dammit the people in Brooklyn knew how to speak back.  I live in SC and I can say "Hello" until my head falls off and no one will reply.  I've done the breath check, fine tuned my execution and realize that it is not me.

NEVER WALK WITH YOUR HEAD DOWN!!! My mother drilled that in me.  So what you MAY miss one person ACCIDENTALLY.  Catch them the next go 'round or if they bring it up warmly tell them that they know it was not intentional. By holding your head down you are going to miss everyone.
As far as the intentional cold shoulders go; I have a co-worker who acts as though she hates my guts.  This **** will deliberately speak to EVERYONE except me.  I once wondered what I did to this heffer; but shrugged it off because I don't stress things like that. I have made it my goal to speak to her EVERY time I see her a$$.  I know it drives her crazy.  She does not speak back but that is more the thrill to me.  My "Good Morning Sharon!" in my head sounds like "F#ck you biatch". LOL.  Kill em with kindness.

My "Good Morning Sharon!" in my head sounds like "F#ck you biatch". LOL.  Kill em with kindness.

Love it!  It's called 'nice nasty'.  An old woman taught me as a teen and I still use it 30 years later to **** of every bithch I come into contact with regularly.  There are only two outcomes I've experienced:

- The ***** hates you even more but all every one sees is you treating her so well that anything negative she says about you highlights the ass that she is. 
- She really thinks you're her friend and eventually comes correct.

nope I don't feel that way. I wasn't that friendly before wls. And I am the same person after. My rule is I speak to you one time. If you don't speak back I dont  initiate conversation with you any further. As far as the cafeteria is concerned I got a limited lunch break. Way to short before wls. And extra short now that I have to take my time and chew chew chew.  If I see someone I know I say hi. If we are in a talking range or even a waving range. But I am not going out of my way to make sure someone knows that I am acknowledging them.  And I guarantee you no one is doing it for me either. But like I said I didn't do it pre wls. So I guess its no big surprise when I do it post. My point is. Do you and be you. The same you pre wls then no one can accuse you of acting funny. And if they do then I am with your friend then thats on them and keep it moving. If you are having a hard time with that then maybe you should seek therapy to see what the underlying reason for this is.

I've had the opposit experience.  Big city girl in small town America.  I'm still thinking damn, you don't know me when strangers speak.

I see your point and understand why it makes you self conscious.  Like you, I don't want to offend but I also don't want to speak either.  With the people you know you can just treat them as you always did. 

When I'm not sure if I'm expected to speak I just smile lightly and nod.  Person acknowledged.  I don't avoid these always speaking neighbors anymore.  Just lightly smile and nod in their direction. 

I agree with Faith.  You do you, with excellence and let the dust fall where it may!!  You can't shake this feeling because you have a good heart  and were raised right.  Keep your head up and just be you. Be proud of who you are becoming regardless of what others may think.   Fear not!  If God be for you, who can be against you. 

My brotha never walk with your head down. (Someone told me it shows weakness). And we all know that's not true. If you pass by someone and don't see them catch them the next time. I'm like you I speak and talk to everybody no matter who or what you are. It's all about how you feel about yourself not what other people say or think. I know there are people who don't like me but what do I do (SPEAK ANYWAY) and I know this **** them off and I just LUV IT!!!! Continue to do you. So what if they think you are all that since you lost weight.....YOU ARE AND THEN SOME....you go boy!!!!

Brenda

It sounds like you are dealing with some old baggage. When I was young, folks around me used to say "ain't no fool like an educated fool" - and when I went on to college and later professional school, the old fear of just being  "book smart"  and without common sense  messed with my mind a bit for awhile.  The communal vibe is essentially good, but its dark side can be that if you are somehow different  than what people expect you to be you become somehow wrong. 

The other question I would and often do ask myself  is am I projecting -  for example, sometimes when I think "other people are angry"  when I really sit down with it, I realize, I'm the one who is angry - can't admit it and am projecting my anger on to the other people -- so I ask you to ask yourself, for your information only -  are you projecting - that is, do you fear that you will somehow leave folks behind  or that folks will reject the new you now that you are working on you this way? 

I'm originally from Los Angeles and although I consider myself a fairly friendly person, it wasn't common to say hello on the street there (hell, nobody except kids and the occasional jogger actually occupy the sidewalks in my old neighborhood.)  Fast forward 30+ years and I moved to New Orleans where although it is a city, folks do speak to you on the street.  My first several months there, some stranger would speak to me and I'd say to myself, "do I know this person?" finally, I got used to it.  I was in NOLA for 5 years and when I first came back up to the Philadelphia area in 2002, I was saying hello to everything that moved into my line of vision. LOL...I generally think that if I speak to you the first time I see you in a day, I generally - unless we are going to talk don't go out of my way to speak again - not being unfriendly mind you, just never think about it.

Best wishes,
Rhonda

you know what you need to do and how you need to carry things.

admitting what you need to do is the first step to gettin it done.  what you should do is talk to yourself when nobody else is around.  tell yourself the things you need to be doing. say them out loud over and over again.

i'm telling you, it'll sink in eventually.