Should I say something?

Hey BAF
This is kind of piggy backing on Dalexis’ post about being too honest (kind of).  
Two situations with two different people and please tell me (though I know you will) if I’m hate’n (sp) on these two.  

I have this friend/co-worker who day in and day out it never fails. It doesn’t matter on what the topic or situation, she always has to mention her BF ALWAYS.  It’s not a new relationship; they’ve been together for about 5 years.  (example) Yesterday a co-worker of ours asks about a particular restaurant and wanted to know what she should order. My friend/co-worker goes on to say that everything is pretty good but, “Stan" ordered such and such and it was delicious.  Wouldn’t it have been just as effective had she mentioned something that she ordered? Honestly, and I’m not exaggerating I could go over there right now and ask her what she had for dinner and the first word out of her mouth would be “Stan".    

Next is my cousin, love her to death but every time we’re out and having adult conversation with friends she constantly brings the convo around to her kids.  Don’t let there be a new person in the group who she doesn’t know because she has to talk about the differences in personalities, likes and dislikes the girl goes on and on and for the regulars, we’ve heard these stories time and again and I can see the look of disinterest in their faces. Why can’t she stay with adult conversation?   

And please don’t get me wrong, when it’s relevant I mention my daughter (when it’s relevant) as do I mention the BF but these topics don’t dominate my or most people who I converse with conversations.  

My question to you is, do I just let them live or should I run the risk of hurting their feelings by mentioning my observations?

Would you want someone to tell you?  

I know folk like this - and depending on their situation - they might be wired this way.  You'd be surprised at how some people handle situations.

Think about this - and I'm not saying this is the case....

What if 'Stan' is abusing ole girl?  Got her terrified and mind controlled - that the world is his and her purpose is to serve him.  She might be conditioned to think of him first.  Just a possiblity.

And on the kids - maybe Andrea Yates talked about her kids ALL the time and bored mofos to death.  And so her attempt to make her life with them palatable was to talk about them thinking that if OTHERS would say something positive, maybe she could BELIEVE something positive.

Everyone has a driver for what they do - gotta be a reason why they do what they do, and if you knew the reason, you might not be as annoyed, possibly sympathetic.  So maybe you could ask from that perspective and it won't seem like you're just annoyed?

MM,
In the case of "Stan" he's about 13 years her junior and honestly I know that she thinks that that increases her worth.  That's something else that she talks about all the time.  She's 38 and he is 25.  In a way it is like you stated but more so that she conditioned herself to think that way.  I wouldn't talk about his azz at all considering the fact that he draged her azz through the mud over this past year.  But that's just me.

My cousin doesn't have a life.  She's been out of work for almost a year so that could be the reason why she does it.

However, you didn't answere the question.  Should I bring it to their attention?

Well - it's on your mind, so I say speak on it!  Just frame it gently.  The reasons you think may not be the reasons it is so. 

They might not honestly realize they do it so much. 

Hugga,

Noooooooooo girly, you aint hatin or even trippin for that matter.

Some people get fixated on things and thats all they know how to do-  or converse about. Some of these preoccupations last for months...others last for years depending on the person.

Its actually sad because thats how these people identify so to speak.  They cant see themselves outside of Stan and the kids as in your cousin's case. I bet if you brought up another subject...they probably wouldnt have much to say. 

I admit I was like that about my sweetie for the first few  years of our relationship.  But since Ive lost some of this weight, Ive learned to re-connect with myself more and its changed me for the better.  I've developed  my own interest outside of my relationship and its done wonders for my outlook and conversations so to speak.  

I dont think it would be nasty to say something about it,  its  just a matter of  finding the right time and how to say it as to not offend them. 

One on one always works best.......good luck with finding the place and time. Til then I would  keep forwarding their calls to voicemail. no sense in letting it spoil your fun. 

 

Thanks PP,
And you're right especially in the case of "Stan" she does identify her self through him.  I think it's really sad because she's very intelligent, just a couple of credits away from her masters but she has no idea who she is outside of him.

A master's degree is NO reflection of how intelligent or secure or person is.  Sad to say.....

Its just another trinket to hang your troubles on........if you ask me. 

Hopefully she will get it together.  Things take time..... hopefully when you bring it to her attention, she can begin to work on it. Good talking with you girly !

I agree with MM.  Some people could just be wired that way.  I know people who do exactly what you are talking about.  My sister-in-law always finds a way to throw the phrase "my husband" into any conversation.  If her cell phone rings she always says... "That must be my husband."  It usually isn't.   This is her 3rd husband and between husbands we were subjected to "my boyfriend."  SIL is a very needy person and believes her role in life involves being a help mate to a man.  I just ignore it.  My husband who is her younger brother had a talk with her about working on herself and stop depending on men soo much.  At 50 she's finally working on her career.  She has horrible taste in men so she needed to shift her focus to elsewhere. 

If your co-worker is a friend try to figure out what is going on with her and their relationship.  Then I would approach it from that angle if you feel the need to talk with her about why Stan is ruling her world.  "Stan" might not be as involved as she says.  My SIL husband actually complained to us about her expecting too much out of him.  Her world may revolve around him but his doesn't revolve around her. 

The kids talk...  I'd let that go too.  Just kept redirecting the conversation back to what you want to talk about. 

Tsunami so funny will mention the "MY HUSBAND" and my "BOYFRIEND" title. That is one thing that goes all over me, ESPECIALLY, when you already know the significant others name. I almost always never refer to my spouse as my "HUSBAND" , unless I am on-line.

Women have that real bad and also would post a joker pic on their myspace, facebook, other sites in a minute. I am like okayyyyy and WHERE is your pic on his page?? WTH??

Thanks Tsunami,
I've been trying to analyze that relationship for a while because I don't think that it is all she makes it but what are you gonna do?

What's funny is, I just walked past her cubicle and she jumped up and ran after me to tell me that he was coming up to the job.  ~sigh~ I think it's beyond help.