Predators in the church

This past Sunday I was placed in the unfortunate position of having to go off on one of the deacons in my church.  He just didn’t want to accept that I didn’t want him putting his nasty hands on me and didn’t appreciate him “hugging" on me.  I believe in my heart of hearts that he is a predator.  He’s a sneaky, manipulative *******  Pretended to want to befriend my family just so he could get close enough to push up on me.   I remember seeing another woman in the congregation cringe when he came near her too, so I strongly suspect that this is a pattern of behavior for him.

 

My husband and I met with our pastors on Monday to discuss, but haven’t heard anything back yet.  I feel like no matter what the outcome, everything has been tainted by this ugliness.  I feel so angry and betrayed. 

 

We will probably have to leave this church that I have grown to love.  There are a lot of people there that I care about there, but I’m afraid my husband will hurt someone and wind up in trouble.

 

My heart is heavy.

 

 

 

 

“The Predator is a person acting as God’s representative who actively seeks opportunities to abuse women sexually. Targeting his prey, the predator pretends to be a caring pastor, using his power and position to manipulate his victims. The pastoral predator is “manipulative, coercive, controlling, predatory, and sometimes violent. He may also be charming, bright, competent, and charismatic. He is attracted to powerlessness and vulnerability. He is not psychotic, but is usually sociopathic; that is, he has little or no sense of conscience about his offending behaviors. He usually will minimize, lie, and deny when confronted. For these offenders, the ministry presents an ideal opportunity for access to possible victims of all ages."

 

 

Marie M. Fortune, Is Nothing Sacred? When Sex Invades the Pastoral Relationship (San Francisco, Harper & Row, 1989).

I'm sorry about your experience. 

Here's hoping ur husband DOESN'T work on this clown because there is no need for him to possibly end up in jail over this fool. 

The mistake that many of us make is that we feel because some guy / girl is "...in the church..." that they are beyond reproach and that they are incapable of inappropriate behavior. 

What people tend to forget is that these people are STILL people and just as capable of ignorant behavior.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to using what trust congregation members may have in them to engage in questionable transgressions.

Again, I hope this comes to a favorable resolution and that your husband has the strength NOT to beat this bum like hes stole something. 

“using what trust congregation members may have in them to engage in questionable transgressions"

 

Trust is the key word here.  At first, I felt really foolish because I didn’t see this coming.  A part of me even questioned myself, but then I though about it and I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. 

 

I started researching this because it has really been bothering me.  How could something like this happen to me?  I’m bright.  I’m educated.  I’m a good person, but I’m not wimpy.  I learned about a term called “grooming" that is related to abuse.   It’s a process that predators use to obtain trust, not only from the person they’re trying to mess over, but also from everyone around them.  Most of the time, this term is seen used in the context of child abuse, but I also saw it in the literature related to people in positions of power (doctors, therapists, clergy, etc.) who cross the line with the people they are supposed to be helping.

 

 

 

Grooming

According to Sharon Womack Doty, consultant to VIRTUS (the Catholic Church's training program for church staff and volunteers to protect against child abuse), grooming is a process with three aspects:

Physical Grooming: small incidental touches which then become more intimate

Psychological Grooming: sending the message that the predator is committed to the well-being of the victim, that sexual contact is "a gift from God"

Community Grooming: convincing others that the predator is someone who is caring and will go out of the way to help others; this causes members of the community or congregation to disregard warning signs, because it is hard to believe that the perpetrator they have come to know and admire would do something so harmful

 

"Communication Tactics Used By Sexual Predators" Science Daily (April 21, 2008).

. . . in order for the process of entrapment to take place, the perpetrator must first gain access to the potential victim through various exploitive means . . . Deceptive trust development describes the predator's ability to build a trusting relationship with the victim in order to improve the likelihood of sexual encounter . . . As perpetrators are grooming their victims and building deceptive trust, they also work to isolate them both physically and emotionally from their support network.

I respectfully disagree with DAlexis.  I say turn "Killa" loose on that fool but call me first so that I can watch it (or videotape it).

If the deacon won't get the hint from you guys he'll eventually run up on the wrong one someday and then "POW!" "BASH!" "BOOM!"  Not everyone is just going to give him a pass.

 

So, uh, A.A.

What happens to the hubby after he ends up doing time over this jack@$$?   Hmmmm?   Beating his arse, while it may be the justified action isn't necessarily the SMART action.   

Yeah, he actaully MAY run into the wrong one and get that head bashed in.  But that's on HIM. 

You have a point, D.

But when I worked for the MOB there was one thing that I learned well:  It ain't what you do; it's how you do it. 

Hubby could run up on that fool coming out of a grocery store late at night, beat him to a pulp, and get away smoovey-smoove.  Or he can always set him up like they did Marion Barry.

"the @$#!$  set me up!!"

every time marion barry comes up i think of him sayin that. 

 A beat down at Kroger.  We wouldn't really do it, but it feels so good to just think about it...

 

 

Hi So Blessed,

I am so sorry to hear of this problem that you are experiencing in the church.  I know that this is painful for both you and your husband.  The only thing that I would suggest is that you write an official letter to the pastor telling him your concerns.  I am a firm believer that when folks see things in black and white they tend to take the matters more seriously.  It creates a paper trail and is therefore more likely to come back and bit him or her...if the appropriate actions is not taken.  As you stated, if he is a predator...chances are there are others that he has harmed.  I will be praying that things work out for the best for you and your family.

I actually did start a paper trail with the so-called deacon.  I sent him the same e-mail twice about how not respecting peoples’ personal space could be interpreted as threatening.  He chose to ignore it the second time. 

 

There are some things that in my eyes make this person even more dangerous to others.  I found out that he is a director in the psychology department at one of the local universities.  He knows exactly what he is doing and enjoys it.  It’s a power thing.  
 

I have a professional position that I don’t wish to have tarnished by a nasty scandal, but someone needs to put a stop to this and expose him for the menace that he is.

 

Thank you for your prayers.  I really do appreciate it.