need to come clean

Well family..Not having a great day today so Im going to come clean on some things. I am now thinking at this point I probably should see a shrink but thats never been my sort of thing. Anyway I had surgery almost 2 months ago. I knew 2 weeks prior to surgery on the liquid diet I wasnt ready. I pretty much cheated on the liqud diet the whole time but still managed to lose the 10 pounds the doc needed me to. I wanted to back out of surgery, but for many reasons i decided not to. The first week of my surgery I was convinced i didnt have surgery. so i ate what i wanted, wheni wanted. Did a lot of night eating. I managed to gain 2 pounds. I have been so used to yoyo dieting and low carb dieting that in my mind when i allow myself to have carbs, i cant do it in moderation. I guess my body wants to get all it can because it doesnt know when ill deprive it of carbs again. i did well for one week the first month and i did good last week. I managed to lose 10 pounds from my surgery weight but after a weekend of bad eating( after doing an extremly low carb diet last week) i managed to gain weight. Now today i weigh 3 pounds less than i did on surgery day. I wanted to scream. how did i let this happen? why am i not doing what im suppose to? what is wrong with me? I have finally come to terms with the fact that i have a food adiction but i just dont know how to handle it, or deal with it... I dont know i guess i just needed to vent. I look at the before and after pics of all the beautiful people here on BAF and I wonder...will I ever have an after? or will I continue to eat to cope with whatever emotions im dealing with? Everytime i start to lose weight its like i get scared or something. I dont know. I guess I could have posted this in the food trouble forum or my blog but I just wanted my Fam to know what was going on.. and i wanted others to know that its ok to admit when your doing wrong and accept the advice, help, and tough love.

well since it's too late to tell you that if you aren't ready you shouldn't get it therefore i will say this... tomorrow is a brand new day..remember that with having WLS...pick up and move forward...and that's all you can do...do not dwell in the past because it's the past and there's nothing you can do about it....you can always start in the next minute to live a healthier life by eating right and exercising more and drinking more water....

btw..what kind of surgery did you have? 

thanks a lot for the kind words... and your right its not to late...tomorrow is a new day and i am going to do this thing right....gosh you are so good. thanks...i appreciate it....

ETA: I had the TOGA...new procedure that is incision free...they go through your mouth and staple stomach

Hugs to you, Ashley.  It takes a lot of courage to come clean about things like this.  That's the first step though.  I definitely think you should seek out the help of someone trained to deal with food issues/addiction.  Have you ever tried OA?  I know the 12-step program isn't for everyone, but for some, it's very successful.  The important thing is that you find a system that works for YOU.  Ask your PCP or nutritionist to refer you to someone.  You owe it to yourself, Sis.

Tahnks

Hey Ashley,
It is very cleansing to write down your feelings - and it seems as though you have made the first step to admitting that you may have an addiction.

The great thing is you have accepted this - now it is definitely up to YOU to act on it...yes, you probably do need to see a therapist to get to the bottom of your addiction to food.  I would encourage you to find someone who specializes in food addictions and open your mind and heart up to that person.

In addition, begin writing down your feelings AT THE TIME YOU ARE CONSUMING FOODS.  Write how you are feeling, as well as what foods you are eating.  This will help begin the process to a healthier and more MEANINGFUL life for you. 

I encourage you to become LIBERATED today!  Get up, make that appointment and move to the next level before you!

Praying for peace of mind for you,

DD

Thanks Donna..very kind words....im readin the messages one at a time and replying as i go and i just want to cry

Admitting you are having a problem is half the battle. Lots of jobs cover therapy sessions, mine will give you 5 then you have to pay. Lots of people seek out therapy for many different reasons and it's nothing you should be ashamed to do.

A few things keep me motivated. My family all has diabetes, I NEED to get this weight off...I couldn't imagine sticking myself in the finger and stomach everyday. Nope can't do it.

I also think about how afraid my husband was for me to have this surgery. He told me that the time he spent in the waiting room was the most difficult  3.5 hors of his life. I didn't have him go through that to fail.

Think of how different your life will be. You'll get there young buck. You just gotta get the mental part together.

awwwwThanks so much...i really love all you guys...

Dear Ashley:

Go ahead and get the help you know you need.  You are so worth it!!  Meanwhile, I'll be doing like the older timers used to say: "I'll pray yo' strength in the Lord."