What Would You Do?

(((((HUGS)))))  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I hope she will come to her senses.

Thank you!!  ((((Hugs)))

Tonya, be confident and be strong! Sometimes, you gotta act a fool on kids....make them think you are mentally challenged!

People have different forms of tough love. Compared to the type of mother I am, my moms was not tough at all.....she was strict, but not tough. My 3 sisters are not TOUGH! In fact, they hate the way I am with my girls!

I am tough....I admit it, but I also know my children. I don't have to be as tough with Kerri as I do with Kenn. I have to be very FIRM with her! I can whip Keri, but there are times I have to literally kick Kenn's asse! She challenges me....Dedee don't do challenges with her children ~roll eyes~

I have stripped her asse of everything....EVVEEERYTHING.....to let her see how good she has life......

I am lenient where I want to be, but I'm TOUGH where I need to be! I refuse to let my kids ~break~ me and I don't mean financially!

I have seen 3 of my nieces lose their dayum mind and got 2 that's trying to lose their minds now!

Kenn and Kaye have the wrong momma for that kind of schitt!  I'll ship their asse off to boarding school and send them a card on holidays ~roll eyes~

I *WISH* they would try to give me some serious flack!

If you suspect, she is dealing, get law enforcement involved. Yeah it's harsh but better she learn at 18 then whittle her life away dealing with BS.
She is of legal age and she *thinks* she is a grown azz woman, treat her like that. She old enough to vote and go off to war...let her see what the life *really* can get ya. My parents would have knocked me sideways to be so disrespectful. As hard as it will be to do...prolly the best thing would be to let them kick her out and let her go out there on her own and get a few lumps.

My kids think I am ruthless.  But that's ok with me.  They know I love them.  My husband and I provide for the very well.  They have had a life like I NEVER had!  They also know that they can't live at home after high school.  That was spelled out a long time ago.  They either go to college, or make their way, but not living under our roof.  We have pledged our financial and emotional support for undergrad school.  My son is a jr at Univ of FL and will be graduating a semester early. (Praise the Lord).  He is planning to join the Peace Corp.  He wants to spend some time in Africa and then attend grad school after his obligation. 

I tell them I am ok with them labeling me ruthless.  I am not here to be a friend at this phase of life.  They don't have to like me all the time, but they have to respect me.

Now mind you, we've run a tight ship since the beginning.  I honestly don't know what I would do with an 18 yr old in this type of distress.  I have taken cell phones away and refused to buy anything but necessities for the offender over the years.  We bought our son a car his sr year in high school.  He did something disrespectful, and daddy took that car away.  Yes, he had to attend college away from home with no car.  He will just be getting it back after this semester.  We let our daughter drive it for her sr year in high school.  Now she's mad because we told her we're not buying her a car until after a successful first year in college.  But, she will get over it.  I am not losing any sleep over it! 

I understand your problem though.  I think the only advice I can give you is to be consistent and stick to your word in dealing with her.  Don't waver.  Remember when your parents would tell you how the punishment is hurting them more than you?  I can see how that applies in your situation.  But you know,  these kids don't really want you to give up on them.  In my opinion, this hip hop-M TV generation is being swayed by life they hear described in the music and that they see on the videos.  They glamorize the lifestyle and the kids think they are living the life when they act like what they see on the videos.  Please don't give up on her.  Prayer changes all things.  Send up some knee-mail on the regular.  Today, she doesn't see it.  But the day will come when she will appreciate what you were trying to do.

I pray that God gives you and hubby wisdom and strength and guides you all in this situation.  The younger kids are watching you and benchmarking what you do.

Linda

Your post just reminded me of a post from one of our members a couple of weeks ago..about ungrateful children, etc.  I mentioned that we must begin when our children are YOUNG (toddler age) with disciplining them about their needs vs. their wants.  All too often parents want to give their children the world...when all it really does (some times, not all the time) is teaches them to be selfish and uncaring about how much we sacrifice for them.  Not saying this is what happened with your daughter, but it is definitely a cause for such behavior.

I am not in your house, so I don't know what would have caused your daughter to begin behaving in such a way 8 years ago.  You say you have given her the world...that could very well be the problem!

She is now at an age where it is too little, too late.  You may have to go with the "tough love" scenario and give her DIRECT ultimatums...she is 18...she is now "grown" and should be treated as such.

My sons are almost 29 and 32 - and I still demand respect from them, or else...trust!  And they know...not to f*#k with their momma...or else!

Good luck to you on this one...

DD

Phil called me after his "talk" ~trust me he was the only one talking~ with DJ. He said, DAYUM, we have some ungrateful children!

That speaks volumes!  And I agreed with him.....my kids have so much SCHITT! ~roll eyes~

All that does is cause for them to be unappreciative.....that's why I take it!

Trust me, K & K have been warned!!!!!! ~I kicked their asse last night~ and if they can't get some ack right bout themselves.....they will come home to empty bedrooms!  They will have a bed....no tv, no stereo, no DSes, no laptops, no webkinz, no guitars......no nothing....a bed with cover.....7 pair of jeans and shirts and undies......one pair of sneakers and one pair of boots......they will be allowed to dine with the family for supper......they will be allowed to READ.....other than that, they can only leave their room to pee, **** and shower.  They are NOT going to drive me crazy!

Hi Tonya,

woooh, gurl hugs.  co-signing everbody else and adding my $.02 - you know what happens when you try to save someone who's drowning? instead of helping you help them, they pull you down cuz they're too dayum focused on what they're feeling.   don't drown with her - i know she's your *baby* and contrary to what somebody else said here, it doesn't sound like you're leaning toward putting her out at all, it sounds like you're talking yourself into reasons you should keep dealing with it - not to sound judgemental but you're still *thinking* of taking away privileges that are costing  you or someone else money to maintain, you're miles away from locking her out.  don't drown with her.  i'd do what others have suggested and real quiet like, no lectures, tell her that it's really simple, you'll abide by each and every rule of this house or you'll live elsewhere - now you've gotta be willing to call her bluff b/c when she puffs her chest out and actually goes to live with [_____] , she won't keep going to school, gotta know whether or not you can live with that before the ultimatum.  the short answer is there's no nice way to do this.   p.s. red cross that you've gotta punch the drowning victim unconscious or let em sin****il they stop struggling but either way......don't go down with her.    g'luck and hugs

p.p.s. you can't go back and blame yourself the past is over, start with this.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle.  You and your daughter are in my prayers.  I just want to say that it can still workout.  I personally had to go the hard route and drop out of high school at 16.  But I got my act together and got my GED.  Worked a bunch of dead end jobs until I got a blessing from God and got a really good job.  All I know is that someone was praying for me because I was going out of the world backwards.  When I saw my son doing the same, I had to become the example and I went back to school to get my BA in Business. His is now 18 and in college.  I learned the hard way and I made it clear to him that I will let him learn the hard way as well but it was his choice.  It's hard to be so cold to your children but all I could think of is that the world would be much colder and as a young black male he already had the odds against him.  He had to be adult enough to survive.  With all that said, give it to God.  You've done all you can do.  She is 18 and has some life lessons to learn.

All I can tell you is what my mom did.  My sister stayed out after her curfew.  When she came home my mom broke a broom across her and said if you come in on time you are leavin here, one way or another and the tried to send her to a girls home.  This was back in th 60's.  Needless to say she was not out after curfew again.  Dumb me, tried it when I was 16, mom was 57.  She came looking for me and some of my friends saw her.  I asked what she was carrying, they said only a brown paper bag. Why did I break and run home before she found me? The only thing mom carried in a paper bag was a gun.   She told me the reason she had the gun was in case I tried to get smart in front of my friends.  I told my children this true story at a young age and also let them know that me and hubby are not half as understanding as my Mom.  Mom didn't play, her yes mean't yes and her no mean't no.  Stop Playin!