Relationship question come on in
FOr my husband he was a "frifter" of sorts had 4 jobs in as many ears and just wasn't stable for me. He didn't take things seriously. But he has def stepped his game up and I'm proud of him for that. The question is a friend o mine is goingt hrough the same thing with her husband but she has resigned herself that she has to carry the weight because she married him like that and I don't think that's fair.
HW 299/PS 286/CT 155
)
(deactivated member)
on 1/30/09 1:04 am
on 1/30/09 1:04 am
Well it seems your husband is growing at his own pace. I'm not married but have been to several weddings and do listen to the vows that are spoken and one day when I know I'm ready I'll have to live those vows...for better or for worse etc. He'll get there so just be patient girl. Now, as far as your friend, if she has accepted that she will be the bread winner then that's her. You nor I may not understand that but that's between she and her husband. All you can do is pray for her situation. If that's the way he was when she married him then she's right, why should she expect more now. People change/grow if they want to. Not everyone evolves so that's why not everyone succeeds.
Growth and change and two different things but they are connected in a way.
My husband and I have had discussion off and on over the years about who is growing and who is changing. I like to think I'm always growing but not necessarily changing. My personality certainly isn't going to change but some of the things I do change because it doesn't meet my needs anymore. I live my life with a plan and have specific goals I want to achieve.
I do not believe in changing anyone but assisting them with growth is a definite if they express the desire for growth.
Now here's a biggie that I learned about growth and change... for some people it is an automatic hardwired thing and for others they have to learn how to grow and plan their future. They need a catalyst to encourage growth.
I grew up in a home where my mother always had a plan with a time table. So that is how I live my life... school, career, marriage, kids and etc. I have set periods where I work or maintain certain areas of my life. My husband did not learn how to set goals or plan his life. He comes from a family where their whole focus is just getting by or maintaining. That is our battle.
I cannot help him gets to where he wants to be because he wants to do it on his own... the problem is that he doesn't know how to get their on his own.
I'm currently in a period of growth. I'm losing the weight, planning on starting school for my Masters and focusing on my career. My husband should be in a period of growth because there is a catalyst (not working) pushing him to do something... then the problem rears it's head. He doesn't know what direction to take and it hurts not having a set goal.
My husband and I have had discussion off and on over the years about who is growing and who is changing. I like to think I'm always growing but not necessarily changing. My personality certainly isn't going to change but some of the things I do change because it doesn't meet my needs anymore. I live my life with a plan and have specific goals I want to achieve.
I do not believe in changing anyone but assisting them with growth is a definite if they express the desire for growth.
Now here's a biggie that I learned about growth and change... for some people it is an automatic hardwired thing and for others they have to learn how to grow and plan their future. They need a catalyst to encourage growth.
I grew up in a home where my mother always had a plan with a time table. So that is how I live my life... school, career, marriage, kids and etc. I have set periods where I work or maintain certain areas of my life. My husband did not learn how to set goals or plan his life. He comes from a family where their whole focus is just getting by or maintaining. That is our battle.
I cannot help him gets to where he wants to be because he wants to do it on his own... the problem is that he doesn't know how to get their on his own.
I'm currently in a period of growth. I'm losing the weight, planning on starting school for my Masters and focusing on my career. My husband should be in a period of growth because there is a catalyst (not working) pushing him to do something... then the problem rears it's head. He doesn't know what direction to take and it hurts not having a set goal.
WOW you've just expalined my miarriage in a nutshell and myself lol. My mom was asingle parent most of my young years so she always hustled working 3 jobs going to school taking care of us. SO I'm always on my grind. My husband family just lived and so therefore he just lives and exist and also like your husband has no plan or direction but don't want any help either.
HW 299/PS 286/CT 155
)
This kind of reminds me of something I read a while ago that I've sort of lived by. (I'm not married yet but I always keep these things in mind while dating):
DATE ONLY WINNERS, AVOID ALL LOSERS!
It's important to remind yourself that people rarely change. Therefore, it is much wiser to mainly evaluate a new love interest based on how they are right now --- not predominantly on their potential. The nature of romance makes it easy to get caught up in a passionate moment without regard for longer-term issues like compatibility and growth. But smart women are careful to evaluate things early in the game and before getting emotionally involved. That way, a woman can avoid staying too long with the wrong kind of man.
Here are ways that any woman can realize she's dating a man who is a losing candidate for her love life:
• Steer clear of men with destructive personal habits. If a prospective man has a chronic drug, alcohol, or gambling habit, then it would be prudent to avoid getting romantically involved with him. Destructive habits control people's lives and the lives of those around them. Many women have learned painful lessons by wasting their time, energy, and emotions on these poor love candidates.
• Avoid men with serious character flaws. Character is the foundation of every individual. It is the result of hundreds of choices that a person has made which gradually molded them into the kind of person they are today. Many women today are faced with increasing numbers of men whose character flaws create a very unstable foundation for love. Character is something that takes time to develop and is solely the responsibility of each individual. Therefore, a smart woman would be better off steering clear of men with major character flaws rather than getting involved and trying to change them.
• Pass on men who lack any kind of ambition. To many women, this may not seem as severe as the other traits to avoid. But just the same, a woman quickly tires of a man who lacks the ambition to maximize his potential. This trait often leads to a lack of financial resources which is a major cause of stress in marriages. A smart woman needs to differentiate between a man who is at peace with himself and one that is simply lazy and unmotivated. The latter is the kind of man who starts to wear on a woman in an unpleasant way over time.
• Don't date men who don't turn you on. There is no substitute for high levels of chemistry or physical attraction as part of the mix of what a relationship offers. If this chemistry doesn't come naturally after a reasonable period of time, then it is best to avoid getting more deeply involved. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in a passionless relationship and this is not healthy or fulfilling for either partner.
• Say "No!" to men who are mean-spirited. Women are often confused by a man who shows kindness in one moment and hostility the next. It's common for women to focus on the good behavior in the beginning and ignore the negative things until after she's become emotionally attached. When you associate with a man who is mean-spirited, it's only a matter of time before his general bitterness eventually gets redirected towards you.
• Evaluate men by the crowd they run with regularly. This is a tough thing for many women to do. For some reason, a woman wants to believe that her man is a lot different than his peers. This goes against the more likely scenario that he is only showing you the sides that would appeal to you. In reality, he is most likely to be a lot more like those men he has as friends and associates. Consider this rather than solely evaluating the version of himself that he's trying to sell you on.
• Avoid men who naturally clash with your personality. Some people just don't seem to get along very well. Instead of complementing each other with their mutual support, two people can clash on simple day-to-day issues, and bring out the worst in each other. If you find yourself in one of these difficult relationships, it is much better to, at best, keep things limited. Don't make the mistake of trying to create an expanded relationship by, for example, marrying a man who causes you emotional upsets on a consistent basis.
• Beware of major lifestyle mismatches. How we choose to live our lives is expressed in the clothes we wear, the music we play, the things we buy, the foods we love to eat, the words we speak, the dreams we hold dear, the friends we choose, and the activities we enjoy in our free time. If we want to share a life with someone, it makes more sense to find a partner who matches our lifestyle habits rather than one who doesn't. People with mismatching lifestyles may add color and variety to our lives, but usually they are best suited for a more limited relationship or friendship.
• Recognize potential values conflicts immediately. Values --- such as courage, love, integrity, and family --- are the ideals that we hold in the highest regard. When two people don't share the same values, then deep upsets naturally occur in the relationship. For example, I've heard from married women who complain about husbands who get drunk with their buddies instead of doing more responsible things for the marriage. Such a value conflict between responsibility and fun would need to be discussed and resolved before resentment sets in. As a woman in search of a new partner, it makes sense for you to avoid men who clearly don't have the same values as you do. Values, which are really deep-rooted priorities, are not likely to change easily without the aid of significant emotional events.
• Spot a man with contrary relationship goals. It's easy to be fooled by the man who insists that he loves kids, but only has the opportunity to show this trait when the children belong to someone else. A smart woman needs to distinguish between a man who only talks about getting married and having a family and the man who would actually embrace the responsibility of following through. Of course, other men say directly that they have no intention of starting a family and only express the desire to concentrate on their other personal goals. A woman may be fooled into thinking that such a man will change in time, but later discover that his original relationship goals were deeply ingrained. A smart woman will carefully gauge a man's priorities in life so that she is properly aligned with him. Men who only want a limited kind of relationship are only good for women who want the same thing. This is another example of where expecting other people to change is almost always a long-shot proposition.
By making a thorough examination of dating candidates, a smart woman can back the man who has the best chances of becoming a winner in her love life. This process involves first weeding out the obvious losers and then concentrating on the potential winners.
The Bottom Line
Dating sucks when you get involved romantically with the wrong man. But dating rocks when there's a healthy love relationship brewing between two people with high levels of mutual attraction, compatibility, and emotional maturity. It's great when you're truly good for each other!
DATE ONLY WINNERS, AVOID ALL LOSERS!
It's important to remind yourself that people rarely change. Therefore, it is much wiser to mainly evaluate a new love interest based on how they are right now --- not predominantly on their potential. The nature of romance makes it easy to get caught up in a passionate moment without regard for longer-term issues like compatibility and growth. But smart women are careful to evaluate things early in the game and before getting emotionally involved. That way, a woman can avoid staying too long with the wrong kind of man.
Here are ways that any woman can realize she's dating a man who is a losing candidate for her love life:
• Steer clear of men with destructive personal habits. If a prospective man has a chronic drug, alcohol, or gambling habit, then it would be prudent to avoid getting romantically involved with him. Destructive habits control people's lives and the lives of those around them. Many women have learned painful lessons by wasting their time, energy, and emotions on these poor love candidates.
• Avoid men with serious character flaws. Character is the foundation of every individual. It is the result of hundreds of choices that a person has made which gradually molded them into the kind of person they are today. Many women today are faced with increasing numbers of men whose character flaws create a very unstable foundation for love. Character is something that takes time to develop and is solely the responsibility of each individual. Therefore, a smart woman would be better off steering clear of men with major character flaws rather than getting involved and trying to change them.
• Pass on men who lack any kind of ambition. To many women, this may not seem as severe as the other traits to avoid. But just the same, a woman quickly tires of a man who lacks the ambition to maximize his potential. This trait often leads to a lack of financial resources which is a major cause of stress in marriages. A smart woman needs to differentiate between a man who is at peace with himself and one that is simply lazy and unmotivated. The latter is the kind of man who starts to wear on a woman in an unpleasant way over time.
• Don't date men who don't turn you on. There is no substitute for high levels of chemistry or physical attraction as part of the mix of what a relationship offers. If this chemistry doesn't come naturally after a reasonable period of time, then it is best to avoid getting more deeply involved. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in a passionless relationship and this is not healthy or fulfilling for either partner.
• Say "No!" to men who are mean-spirited. Women are often confused by a man who shows kindness in one moment and hostility the next. It's common for women to focus on the good behavior in the beginning and ignore the negative things until after she's become emotionally attached. When you associate with a man who is mean-spirited, it's only a matter of time before his general bitterness eventually gets redirected towards you.
• Evaluate men by the crowd they run with regularly. This is a tough thing for many women to do. For some reason, a woman wants to believe that her man is a lot different than his peers. This goes against the more likely scenario that he is only showing you the sides that would appeal to you. In reality, he is most likely to be a lot more like those men he has as friends and associates. Consider this rather than solely evaluating the version of himself that he's trying to sell you on.
• Avoid men who naturally clash with your personality. Some people just don't seem to get along very well. Instead of complementing each other with their mutual support, two people can clash on simple day-to-day issues, and bring out the worst in each other. If you find yourself in one of these difficult relationships, it is much better to, at best, keep things limited. Don't make the mistake of trying to create an expanded relationship by, for example, marrying a man who causes you emotional upsets on a consistent basis.
• Beware of major lifestyle mismatches. How we choose to live our lives is expressed in the clothes we wear, the music we play, the things we buy, the foods we love to eat, the words we speak, the dreams we hold dear, the friends we choose, and the activities we enjoy in our free time. If we want to share a life with someone, it makes more sense to find a partner who matches our lifestyle habits rather than one who doesn't. People with mismatching lifestyles may add color and variety to our lives, but usually they are best suited for a more limited relationship or friendship.
• Recognize potential values conflicts immediately. Values --- such as courage, love, integrity, and family --- are the ideals that we hold in the highest regard. When two people don't share the same values, then deep upsets naturally occur in the relationship. For example, I've heard from married women who complain about husbands who get drunk with their buddies instead of doing more responsible things for the marriage. Such a value conflict between responsibility and fun would need to be discussed and resolved before resentment sets in. As a woman in search of a new partner, it makes sense for you to avoid men who clearly don't have the same values as you do. Values, which are really deep-rooted priorities, are not likely to change easily without the aid of significant emotional events.
• Spot a man with contrary relationship goals. It's easy to be fooled by the man who insists that he loves kids, but only has the opportunity to show this trait when the children belong to someone else. A smart woman needs to distinguish between a man who only talks about getting married and having a family and the man who would actually embrace the responsibility of following through. Of course, other men say directly that they have no intention of starting a family and only express the desire to concentrate on their other personal goals. A woman may be fooled into thinking that such a man will change in time, but later discover that his original relationship goals were deeply ingrained. A smart woman will carefully gauge a man's priorities in life so that she is properly aligned with him. Men who only want a limited kind of relationship are only good for women who want the same thing. This is another example of where expecting other people to change is almost always a long-shot proposition.
By making a thorough examination of dating candidates, a smart woman can back the man who has the best chances of becoming a winner in her love life. This process involves first weeding out the obvious losers and then concentrating on the potential winners.
The Bottom Line
Dating sucks when you get involved romantically with the wrong man. But dating rocks when there's a healthy love relationship brewing between two people with high levels of mutual attraction, compatibility, and emotional maturity. It's great when you're truly good for each other!
interesting post. I think I may keep this around: just change the pronoun. for this is NOT exclusive just to women and their choices.
"When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer." Plutach. Not true, for there are always more worlds to conquer.
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