Relationship question come on in
My question is I know that you can't expect someone to change but is it wrong to anticpate growth? I mean I am not the same person I was 10, 5 or even a year ago I've grown and matured so is it wrong for a person to expect their mate to grow especially if you met them in your teens or early twenties before you really come into who you are as a person? And if that person doesn't grow am I "stuck" with that person because this is how he/she was when I met them?
This past year I made the committment to myself that I would only accept the best from all relationships including my marriage adn that I really wanted to be the helper to my mate and if he couldn't step up he would have to step out of the way for another. He and I went through dramatic changes within ourselves and our relationship the past 14-16 months and although things aren't perfect I've told him my standards and he could either rise to them or leave. He's choosen to rise.
He still ain't there yet because I let his ass get away with a lot the past seven years s there is some "retraining" I need to do with people on how I expect to be treated.
A friend of mine made the committment that "she married her husband that way and gotta deal with him" (He's lazy, unmotivated) while she bust her ass and try to hustle to pay their bills because she works pt and he was recently fired. She made the comment to me like I was doing something wrong because I expect more from my husband than he was at first willing to give.
We got into a discussion where I told her that she need to make him step up and she can't change him" My comment was you can't expect people to change but you can expect them to grow and she said that was one and the same. But people do grow every day especially when you meet your husband in your late teens early 20's like she and I did.
But everyone now is looking at me like I'm crazy because I'm not just letting him be....Where I don't think I'm attempting to change him but based on the standards I've set he's attempting to grow in those areas.
So is it change or growth? And is that really a bad thing either way?
This past year I made the committment to myself that I would only accept the best from all relationships including my marriage adn that I really wanted to be the helper to my mate and if he couldn't step up he would have to step out of the way for another. He and I went through dramatic changes within ourselves and our relationship the past 14-16 months and although things aren't perfect I've told him my standards and he could either rise to them or leave. He's choosen to rise.
He still ain't there yet because I let his ass get away with a lot the past seven years s there is some "retraining" I need to do with people on how I expect to be treated.
A friend of mine made the committment that "she married her husband that way and gotta deal with him" (He's lazy, unmotivated) while she bust her ass and try to hustle to pay their bills because she works pt and he was recently fired. She made the comment to me like I was doing something wrong because I expect more from my husband than he was at first willing to give.
We got into a discussion where I told her that she need to make him step up and she can't change him" My comment was you can't expect people to change but you can expect them to grow and she said that was one and the same. But people do grow every day especially when you meet your husband in your late teens early 20's like she and I did.
But everyone now is looking at me like I'm crazy because I'm not just letting him be....Where I don't think I'm attempting to change him but based on the standards I've set he's attempting to grow in those areas.
So is it change or growth? And is that really a bad thing either way?
HW 299/PS 286/CT 155
)
Everyone grows at their own pace. u cannot expect someone to grow mentally or emotionally just because u have. some ppl are content with the level they r on and u have to either except that and continue to be with that person and appreciate their growth flaw or move on. It's funny that ppl male/female think that they can change their mates. The fact is WE CANNOT! You are only in control of u and u only.
You can WANT that person change/grow but it's up to them if they want that next level of maturity. To be quite honest some ppl aren't ready for the next level so they stay content with where they are. This is evident with ppl who always envy those who have more but do not place themselves in the right direction to grow and have what they envy.
I would say they are both because with growth comes change and change is good.
Hope I helped but I think I was just rambling, lol! I'm sooo bored at home!!!!!
~Kerbi
You can WANT that person change/grow but it's up to them if they want that next level of maturity. To be quite honest some ppl aren't ready for the next level so they stay content with where they are. This is evident with ppl who always envy those who have more but do not place themselves in the right direction to grow and have what they envy.
I would say they are both because with growth comes change and change is good.
Hope I helped but I think I was just rambling, lol! I'm sooo bored at home!!!!!
~Kerbi
Hey Kerbi me too I took the day off today and kinda wondering why lol.
I have always told my husband if this is your best if you're offering me the best you have I have to make the decision as to if I will accept that but you can't get mad at me if I don't. So, do you want me to base my decsion off of what you giving me now or do you have more you not giving me because I hadn't required you to give it to me in the past? And it was really that his ass had been lazy and I had low self esteem and instead of giving me his best he gave me what I accepted.
I think I got your point and I think my position on this is exactly what you said I can ONLY control me. However, my job is to tell you what I will and will not except in that relationship (friend or otherwise) then you offer me what you have. I do have a choice, it is to except what you're offering or move on. You also have a choice to attempt to step up to my expectation keep that relationship or walk away. And my husband's choice is to attempt to step up. But I didn't tell him he had to I told him this is what I needed. Before the weight loss I was trying to prove in every relationship that I was worthy of being loved that I never really looked at was that person worthy of ME? Now I do that analysis with every relationship because I'ma give you 120% every day and if I'm going to put that much energy out I gotta make sure you are worth the investment.
Does that make sense?
I have always told my husband if this is your best if you're offering me the best you have I have to make the decision as to if I will accept that but you can't get mad at me if I don't. So, do you want me to base my decsion off of what you giving me now or do you have more you not giving me because I hadn't required you to give it to me in the past? And it was really that his ass had been lazy and I had low self esteem and instead of giving me his best he gave me what I accepted.
I think I got your point and I think my position on this is exactly what you said I can ONLY control me. However, my job is to tell you what I will and will not except in that relationship (friend or otherwise) then you offer me what you have. I do have a choice, it is to except what you're offering or move on. You also have a choice to attempt to step up to my expectation keep that relationship or walk away. And my husband's choice is to attempt to step up. But I didn't tell him he had to I told him this is what I needed. Before the weight loss I was trying to prove in every relationship that I was worthy of being loved that I never really looked at was that person worthy of ME? Now I do that analysis with every relationship because I'ma give you 120% every day and if I'm going to put that much energy out I gotta make sure you are worth the investment.
Does that make sense?
HW 299/PS 286/CT 155
)
Change is inevitable like the four seasons...but growth is a completely different process. There has to be a revelation in order for someone to fully understand that something has to give in order to get something else.
Just like our surgeries.....Im sure over the years alot of people suggested that we do something about our weight. But it wasnt until we had that " a-ha " moment that Oprah talks about that we truly decided to embark on this journey.
Men mature as a slower rate than woman....so where you notably fell into the responsiblity of marriage and so did your friend....your husbands " may " have looked at the benefits of marriage such as dinner nightly, sex regularly......more so than the responsibilities it takes to being a partner and having a totally committed relationship.
Its also important to note that demanding this growth from your husband isnt gonna make him get there any faster. And may just cause friction because ultimately people do what they want, when they want. Love & patience is key if you care about the investment. If you decide to walk away after you've given time then thats your choice as well.
Ultimately its about being happy. And we have to take ownership of that.
Best wishes !
Just like our surgeries.....Im sure over the years alot of people suggested that we do something about our weight. But it wasnt until we had that " a-ha " moment that Oprah talks about that we truly decided to embark on this journey.
Men mature as a slower rate than woman....so where you notably fell into the responsiblity of marriage and so did your friend....your husbands " may " have looked at the benefits of marriage such as dinner nightly, sex regularly......more so than the responsibilities it takes to being a partner and having a totally committed relationship.
Its also important to note that demanding this growth from your husband isnt gonna make him get there any faster. And may just cause friction because ultimately people do what they want, when they want. Love & patience is key if you care about the investment. If you decide to walk away after you've given time then thats your choice as well.
Ultimately its about being happy. And we have to take ownership of that.
Best wishes !
Plum,
Girl I was wifey when I was the girlfriend. I think its all about standards and the reason why the divroce rate among patients are so high. Because there is something wrong already with the realtionship and when you begin working on you you see other things that are wrong. I plan to fight for MY marriage until it ain't nothing left to fight for. But can you not change your standards as you grow or the sitaution changes? My friends husband dosen't help around the house inside or outside he plays video games all day and she hustling to get gas for them. her response to me was "well I married him without hustle. so he ain't gonna do it" Which had me flabbergasted and not wanting to help HER because she's allowing him not do anything.
Girl I was wifey when I was the girlfriend. I think its all about standards and the reason why the divroce rate among patients are so high. Because there is something wrong already with the realtionship and when you begin working on you you see other things that are wrong. I plan to fight for MY marriage until it ain't nothing left to fight for. But can you not change your standards as you grow or the sitaution changes? My friends husband dosen't help around the house inside or outside he plays video games all day and she hustling to get gas for them. her response to me was "well I married him without hustle. so he ain't gonna do it" Which had me flabbergasted and not wanting to help HER because she's allowing him not do anything.
HW 299/PS 286/CT 155
)
Queen,
Thats just it....everybody's standards are different based on what they deem priority.
Maybe for your friend...all that matters is that she HAS a hubby
and not one thats neccessarily contributing as he should.
I applaud your attitude and level of awareness girly and I so feel you.
Im all about making sure that my partner and I put in equal work for equal play as well.
Some came from the onstart of my relationship and the rest happen as I began to lose weight cause with each pound I shed, I rediscovered myself and just how special I am.
Hopefully your friend will get there. Everything dosent happen to everybody at the same time. Right now....all you can do is pray for her.
In the meantime - keep on fightin' sis
Thats just it....everybody's standards are different based on what they deem priority.
Maybe for your friend...all that matters is that she HAS a hubby
and not one thats neccessarily contributing as he should.
I applaud your attitude and level of awareness girly and I so feel you.
Im all about making sure that my partner and I put in equal work for equal play as well.
Some came from the onstart of my relationship and the rest happen as I began to lose weight cause with each pound I shed, I rediscovered myself and just how special I am.
Hopefully your friend will get there. Everything dosent happen to everybody at the same time. Right now....all you can do is pray for her.
In the meantime - keep on fightin' sis
Just My Opinion - Growth can and should be a natural and healthy expectation. However, can one really FORCE someone to grow????
I honestly don't think so. Sounds like you made your expectations known and your husband is doing what he can to meet those. That is wonderful. However you can't FORCE someone to grow up. My husband changed a lot due to my expectations, however he lacked the maturity to sustain those changes because it wan't natural growth and progression. He just played the tune I wanted for a time.
In my next relationship I am looking for a MAN who is already GROWN and who can educate and show me things that I don't know. I am not looking to train someone to be a man (other than my sons) I need him to be a grown man already. Then I can HELP him acheive his goals rather than suggesting that he should have some.
I honestly don't think so. Sounds like you made your expectations known and your husband is doing what he can to meet those. That is wonderful. However you can't FORCE someone to grow up. My husband changed a lot due to my expectations, however he lacked the maturity to sustain those changes because it wan't natural growth and progression. He just played the tune I wanted for a time.
In my next relationship I am looking for a MAN who is already GROWN and who can educate and show me things that I don't know. I am not looking to train someone to be a man (other than my sons) I need him to be a grown man already. Then I can HELP him acheive his goals rather than suggesting that he should have some.
Working on me - want to be better in everyway not just physically!!! Its a process no time to judge or be judged!!!!
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