Deeply Hurt...........
Hi... I'm NOT Madame. In fact, I'm her husband, Jon. From time to time, she shares something from this board with me, just to get my viewpoint as a supportive spouse of someone who has undertaken and is still on this journey all of you share. Usually, it goes no further than that, but occasionally, she shares something that urges me to speak and she has agreed to let me do so.
First off - you ARE perfect. You are who you are, the sum of both your pains and the glories, your sacred and your profane, and together they weave the person you are today. No one has the right to declare you less than perfect because you don't fit some narrow model of perfection this one individual is carrying around in his head - that's the childishness many of us left behind in high school. Very few of us see ourselves as perfect - we always think we could lose a few pounds, or gain a few pounds or wish our noses were bigger, smaller, etc. Even the few who do have Olympian physiques are driven to maintain or improve upon them. So, altering yourself by working out or plastic surgery to fit someone else’s checklist of beauty is self-defeating for three reasons: 1) doing it for another person is the very wrong reason to do it. Something like that is something you do for YOU... not him. 2) the second you do that, it opens the door for him to find yet another thing he'll want you to change to fit his idea of "perfect". That’s' the slippery slope of "perfect" it's an unattainable concept. And 3) the most important reason - he needs to love you for YOU. Not your pani... not your softness. Not even for your lovely smile... for YOU.
I love my wife... and I'm very attracted to her. I found her desirable before the surgery, I felt that way after the surgery. Even when, to me, she'd lost a bit too much weight for my tastes, I still felt the same way. Why? Because what I loved went beyond how well she fit a pair of jeans or how she looked with the lights off. Do I to this day declare her perfect? Nope. But I feel that she’s perfect for me - and I love her for all her greatness and her flaws, as she loves me for mine. If tonight, she said she felt like she wanted to get plastic surgery done, I'd gladly support her. But I would want her to do it because SHE wanted to do it, for HER reasons. If for a moment she was doing it for me, to make ME happy, I'd fight her every step of the way because I would never EVER want her to take that journey just to appease me.
And no real man who truly loves his woman would, either.
Don't mourn a relationship that you would have qualified for because you don't fit some idiotic ideal, because you are best without it. If a man gets the honor of basking in the specific flavor of beauty that’s exclusively within you, and he has to "think about" whether he can handle such a trivial issue as your "softness", he's done you the greatest courtesy of giving you the chance to get out of that shadow and away from his unworthy self. You have lost nothing, for real; he had nothing real to offer you. Real love is love, unconditionally. You'll find love, real love, and when you do, you'll be glad that door closed and left you open to be loved for ALL of you - perfectly as you are.
First off - you ARE perfect. You are who you are, the sum of both your pains and the glories, your sacred and your profane, and together they weave the person you are today. No one has the right to declare you less than perfect because you don't fit some narrow model of perfection this one individual is carrying around in his head - that's the childishness many of us left behind in high school. Very few of us see ourselves as perfect - we always think we could lose a few pounds, or gain a few pounds or wish our noses were bigger, smaller, etc. Even the few who do have Olympian physiques are driven to maintain or improve upon them. So, altering yourself by working out or plastic surgery to fit someone else’s checklist of beauty is self-defeating for three reasons: 1) doing it for another person is the very wrong reason to do it. Something like that is something you do for YOU... not him. 2) the second you do that, it opens the door for him to find yet another thing he'll want you to change to fit his idea of "perfect". That’s' the slippery slope of "perfect" it's an unattainable concept. And 3) the most important reason - he needs to love you for YOU. Not your pani... not your softness. Not even for your lovely smile... for YOU.
I love my wife... and I'm very attracted to her. I found her desirable before the surgery, I felt that way after the surgery. Even when, to me, she'd lost a bit too much weight for my tastes, I still felt the same way. Why? Because what I loved went beyond how well she fit a pair of jeans or how she looked with the lights off. Do I to this day declare her perfect? Nope. But I feel that she’s perfect for me - and I love her for all her greatness and her flaws, as she loves me for mine. If tonight, she said she felt like she wanted to get plastic surgery done, I'd gladly support her. But I would want her to do it because SHE wanted to do it, for HER reasons. If for a moment she was doing it for me, to make ME happy, I'd fight her every step of the way because I would never EVER want her to take that journey just to appease me.
And no real man who truly loves his woman would, either.
Don't mourn a relationship that you would have qualified for because you don't fit some idiotic ideal, because you are best without it. If a man gets the honor of basking in the specific flavor of beauty that’s exclusively within you, and he has to "think about" whether he can handle such a trivial issue as your "softness", he's done you the greatest courtesy of giving you the chance to get out of that shadow and away from his unworthy self. You have lost nothing, for real; he had nothing real to offer you. Real love is love, unconditionally. You'll find love, real love, and when you do, you'll be glad that door closed and left you open to be loved for ALL of you - perfectly as you are.
Peace & Blessings, Sharon
6 years and counting
6 years and counting
Sharon,
Your husband's response is beautiful, profound and just plain wonderful! I applaud both of you for this post, and appreciate the most eloquent way Jon communicated from the male, and very human point of view. This post just shows what a beautiful couple you are!
Take care!
PS: The reason I'm responding is because this post somehow came through to my e-mail address. I am glad and honored to have had the good fortune to receive it.
Your husband's response is beautiful, profound and just plain wonderful! I applaud both of you for this post, and appreciate the most eloquent way Jon communicated from the male, and very human point of view. This post just shows what a beautiful couple you are!
Take care!
PS: The reason I'm responding is because this post somehow came through to my e-mail address. I am glad and honored to have had the good fortune to receive it.
Livin’ My Life Like It’s Golden!
Wow... I am coming in late on this one..... I usually lurk this site and I hardly ever respond to the postings. But this one disturbed me......
GET RID OF HIS BEHIND!?!?! YOU DESERVE BETTER Girl, he don't love the inner you, all he sees is a "black barbie" the physical you. I know you don't want to continue a relationship with someone who is only concerned about how you look physically. Looks fade in time, what was a 6 pack will and can turn into a keg. You were blessed to have a surgery that saved your live and made what was beautiful on the inside also beautiful on the outside. I agree with the other post, what if the shoe was on the other foot. My motto: Treat those like you would want to be treated.
Love and Peace
GET RID OF HIS BEHIND!?!?! YOU DESERVE BETTER Girl, he don't love the inner you, all he sees is a "black barbie" the physical you. I know you don't want to continue a relationship with someone who is only concerned about how you look physically. Looks fade in time, what was a 6 pack will and can turn into a keg. You were blessed to have a surgery that saved your live and made what was beautiful on the inside also beautiful on the outside. I agree with the other post, what if the shoe was on the other foot. My motto: Treat those like you would want to be treated.
Love and Peace
The dealbreaker for me would be someone telling me (or implying) that I am not good enough for him and that I needed to be "fixed" in order to suit his petty expectations. I heartily agree with the other posters who said that he is showing abusive tendencies. He found your vulnerable spot and he's using it against you to keep you off balance.
Girl, don't you dare let anybody make you feel like there's something wrong with you. You were cute when you were a big girl and you look even better now. I've looked at your profile photos and even in the one with you wearing the black two-piece and showing skin you look awesome.
I, on the other hand, look like a Shar Pei without clothes.
You know, earlier in our relationship I mentioned to my husband the possibility of me having plastics. He told me that he would not want to see me go through that or risk losing me. I am more important to him than what I look like. He loves me just the way I am, extra skin and all.
A man who loves you like that is worth waiting for. You are not destined to be alone. You deserve somebody who cherishes you and treats you like he is proud to have you by his side.
After a while you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel about yourself and life in general if you will rid yourself of this boy who does not value the woman that you are.
Girl, don't you dare let anybody make you feel like there's something wrong with you. You were cute when you were a big girl and you look even better now. I've looked at your profile photos and even in the one with you wearing the black two-piece and showing skin you look awesome.
I, on the other hand, look like a Shar Pei without clothes.
You know, earlier in our relationship I mentioned to my husband the possibility of me having plastics. He told me that he would not want to see me go through that or risk losing me. I am more important to him than what I look like. He loves me just the way I am, extra skin and all.A man who loves you like that is worth waiting for. You are not destined to be alone. You deserve somebody who cherishes you and treats you like he is proud to have you by his side.
After a while you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel about yourself and life in general if you will rid yourself of this boy who does not value the woman that you are.
(deactivated member)
on 1/5/09 6:36 am
on 1/5/09 6:36 am
You are not you becuase of your hair......you are not you because of your occupation and you are not you because of your body.
You are you because of what's on the inside. Your heart, your core, your mind...........
If a man doesn't love/like/desire you for YOU, then to hell with him.
Sure we all have our preferences, our likes and dislikes. But if you are as close to perfect as he's ever met, then sagging skin certainly shouldn't be a deal breaker, IMO. I can never tell anyone what to do, but from brother to sister......you can definitely do better than that!!! He doesn't deserve you. We all have choices, don't let him make your choice. Look deep within yourself, love what you see and do what you have to do for YOU!
Personally, I think you are quite attractive. And if you are as attractive inwardly, then YOU are a catch!
Hey sweetie! Sorry I have been out of touch, we must get together soon.
Me and my boyfriend have read this post and some of the responses and I have to say I agree. I know you, Keisha. You have to take care of yourself, you tend to lean towards taking care of others needs before yours. Don't get caught up in this. I know how you feel about this man, and if this is the same guy you were gushing about when you called that night, then I know FOR SURE.
But take the advice here, no matter how painful. You know we have some real talks and I keep it straight with you (as you do for yourself) but don't waiver on this. While I appreicate this dude's honesty, he only has done you a favor. You're getting to see what is non negotiable from the start, and that is priceless. Imagine all the women who wisht hey knew what kind of man they were dealing with prior to the 10 years and 3 kids they shared? You keep your head about you girl and your loved ones close. You know, those who of us who don't care what you look like, babe.
*hugs*
Elle
Me and my boyfriend have read this post and some of the responses and I have to say I agree. I know you, Keisha. You have to take care of yourself, you tend to lean towards taking care of others needs before yours. Don't get caught up in this. I know how you feel about this man, and if this is the same guy you were gushing about when you called that night, then I know FOR SURE.
But take the advice here, no matter how painful. You know we have some real talks and I keep it straight with you (as you do for yourself) but don't waiver on this. While I appreicate this dude's honesty, he only has done you a favor. You're getting to see what is non negotiable from the start, and that is priceless. Imagine all the women who wisht hey knew what kind of man they were dealing with prior to the 10 years and 3 kids they shared? You keep your head about you girl and your loved ones close. You know, those who of us who don't care what you look like, babe.
*hugs*
Elle
"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
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