Revelations spurred by nutritional consult

Page one of the nutritionists handout had some heart stoppers for me. Not that I hadn't seen them, but I'd never considered actually having to do a couple of them. She suggested that I begin SLOWLY applying the post-surgical rules now. And what I see from even considering it is that I am d*mned serious about making a life change with this surgery and 2) that the application of the issues pre-surgery gives you a chance to change more than behavioral issues. There are some painful emotional issues associated with following those rules. I'm going to give you an example. We don't talk much about emotional issues on this board for some reason, but there are HUGE emotional issues behind all of this stuff. When Jessica handed me the packet of information, I scanned through the Pouch Rules and the other behavior modifications and got hit in the gut with this one: "...and avoid eating while engaged in some other form of distraction (watching TV, reading, or computers)." Now, I've worked on my emotional stuff for 25+ years and am skilled at doing so. But I got hit with a panic attack like nothing I'd had for years. I had to just keep breathing deep in to my solar plexus and letting it hurt. I felt panic rising in me and I felt nauseous and dizzy and wished I could fall through the floor. But I just stayed with it. Driving back to Tucson from Scottsdale I started having what I call little "feathers" of memories. I just kept breathing into the discomfort and letting them collect. My "feathers" were quick glimpses of chrome rimmed kitchen table... chrome legged kitchen chairs... a threat from the left... a feeling of being trapped... a fear of putting down my fork... I just kept letting it come and kept trusting what was coming. By the time I got home, I had collected the whole picture, and it was SO excruciating painful that I thought it was going to kill me. That's how old, repressed pain is... it's very dark and very scary. Bottom line? Living in my house with my family of origin was a scary time. The tension at the table was outrageous. My father was always very upset about everything and he had a full time job controlling his five kids and his wife at the table. At any moment, if you weren't eating, or if you'd put your fork down, you could get backhanded. I wanted to run away during every meal, but I was the good girl in the family, so I ate, and ate fast, and never put that fork down. I literally hid from my father and from the threat of punishment from behind my fork. So, slowing that down, staying present for a bite, chewing my food, setting a fork down, felt like a threat to my safety. VERY scary stuff. But as I've felt it, shared it with my support person who just listens and cares and doesn't try to fix me (get one of those) and allowed my soul to stretch beyond the boundaries of that fear, I'm finding myself automatically eating mindfully and slowly SOMETIMES. This is a really big deal, you know?

Hi Patti, Your post reminded me of all of the food issues we had growing up in my household. I also had a father that controlled through food. I was very willful so there were some knock down, drag out brawls over food when I was a kid. To add to that, my maternal grandmother nurtured through food and at her house, all problems were solved with food. Food has been a blessing and a curse my whole life. I'm in a pretty good place in my head these days and am now dealing with mostly habit, but am taking no chances. My sister is a therapist so I am seeing one of her colleagues that has counseled people who have had wls. I don't want the weight loss to backfire on me emotionally. After all, I'm only having my stomach stapled, not my head. Hang in there, it gets better. Connie

Lordie Patti are we soul sisters??? I can litterally relate to what you say. I hope that you keep that support person and stay healthy in the soul. The good thing about WLS is that everyone of us can relate to everything that we go through. You do not have one support person, you have many, many. All you will ever have to do is put out your hand and I know that at least one person will be there to help you. I know that I will be. Take care, Tanya