Thanks to Weight Loss Surgery.....

..... I can now.....

1.  ...Assume the "Crash Position"
     Previously, I was too darn fat to possibly survive an airplane crash.
     Now, however, since I have successfully lost 140 pounds, I can
     conveniently fold myself up with my head resting comfortably on my
     knees, thereby being counted A SURVIVER, should I be on one of
     those fateful airliners.

2.  ...Continue to wear Queen-sized Pantyhose
     Pantyhose manufacturers inadvertently CONTINUE to make the panty
     portion of pantyhose a childrens' size 6X.  I wore XXXQ when I was 315
     pounds, and my workday face was continually a lovely shade of
     "Asphyxiation-Blue".  After losing 140 pounds, I can still fit into the 6X...
     altho at this point my face is a more comforting bluish-tint...the legs are
     embarassingly BAGGY.

3.  ...Walk Comfortably Down the Aisle of a Bus
     It was excruciating to successfully pass my Physical Performance Test
     (PPT) for the school district I work for.  As I had only 20 seconds to 
     unbuckle my seat belt, dislodge my pork-sausage body from the teensy
     weensy driver's compartment, and speedily hasten my gait as I traversed
     the 30+ foot hike to the back Emergency Exit, where I then had to open
     the door and somehow lower my tonnage to a safe level where I then
     had to jump to "SAFETY", my main concern was not getting to that point.
     No, I had to explain to my husband where and how I received the mul-
     tiple bruises on each hip from the constant barrage of hits I received
     from the 20+ passenger seats that I beat myself up on just trying to make
     it to the back door!!!  Now, however, I can easily and quite gracefully
     make it to the back in just 15 seconds without a lengthy stay in the ER.
     And, I PASSED the test!

4.  ...Properly Avoid Fainting!
     As in the case of #1... when feeling lightheaded, faint, or otherwise just
     plain dizzy, I can safely lower my head between my knees (while sitting,
     you sillies!).  Thus, I can avoid falling over from a fainting spell.  When I
     too fat, when I felt faint (it was usually because I was desiring another
     Big Mac or Whole Pan-****a), I had to risk major breaks of all the large app-
     dages and also brain damage from the impact of hitting the floor.  Now,
     however, fainting, for me, is a BREEZE!

5.  ...Shop for Sexy Lingerie
     The sexiest my lingerie, in my former fat life, was... was a giant T-shirt 
     and some hand-me-down panties from Grandma.  Woohoo.  (And I
     thought it was the TUBAL that kept me from getting pregnant!!!)  Now
     however, I can shop at either Victoria's Secret, Macy's, or even the
     Junior section at Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, since I have lost so much
     weight (for me), I am forced to utilize empty toilet paper cardboards... to
     wrap my boobies around just to get 'em to fit into a bra.  Ug.  Is nothing
     quite right anymore???  First, too fat.  Now, too empty!

6.  ...Get Pain-Free Mammograms
     Speaking of Boobies (and I was.....)  I had a mammogram last week.  I
     had my last one 5 years ago and swore I'd never do that PAINFUL thing
     again.  The boob-tech practically had to CLOSE ENTIRELY the boobie-
     squishing-thing just to hold me in there.  Ug.

Well, I hope that this enlightened and lightened someone's day..... I don't know why, but I am feeling a bit goofy today, and it's a FIRST for a LONG time.  

Yours in Thinner Times......................

Thanks for making me laugh so early this morning.  I can sure relate to this.

This is hilarious, but oh so true.  You said it so well.......

And.....with all those new yoga type positions you can now easily maneuver into; your sexy lingerie can create all kinds of parties!!!  LOl!

I Love Love Love a nice reflection on the "lighter" side of our WL journey!!!

I totally relate to your bus bumping bruises!  I have always panicked while flying pre-wls....not only worrying about pouring over onto the other dude's seats, and the dreaded inevitable request for a "seat belt extender"....but, alas......"IF" my bladder would NOT wait til landing.....it was like up close and personal bumper cars with all the passengers as I made my way back to the tight squeezey closet they call a bathroom!!!!  Prayers were offered after getting into the "position" that I could reach around to ummmm, flush! without tipping the entire plane over!  When I finally "popped" out of the facility....I'd claim queziness so that I wouldn't have to bumper butt my way back to my seat .....which usually was the PRIME window seat ........requiring two very "polite and considerate" business men who didn't mind at all puting away their laptops & drinks, unbuckling and standing in the aisle while I positioned myself.  Of course I couldn't pull my own tray down so I juggled my "diet" drink on one of my 3 laps while pretending to admire the grand canyon out the window....as close to the window as my sizse 24 body could get!!!

Ohhhhhhhh man!  My flight this morning was such a piece of sugar free cake in comparison!

Thanks for the giggles Miss Lizzie!!!!

Joyce

Oh Joyce...

You stirred in me a bit of uneasiness.... ME in sexy lingerie.....  My sis in law bought me some thong panties... but it reminded me of all the pooping I have done in the past 5 months... and I kept thinking/feeling like I pooped my pants... so can't wear those.  UG. 

As for the yoga...  I'll stick to yogURT if you don't mind.  ha ha

I had yet another strange mind-blurb.....
With clear plastic vinyl (I will be RICH RICH RICH, I say!!!) I will create a clear undergarment that zips up the back, one that is skin-tight....to hold in all the loose baggy skin...  I will market it as "PLASTIC SURGERY with a ZIPPER!!!"  "Yes, you too can achieve that sculpted look of a recent plastic surgery session for just $8.95!!!  Wear this handy undergarment under your most sexy clothing for the look of Beverly Hills at a Phoenix price!!!" 

What'd'ya think??? 

OK... Like I said... this is humor that has been locked up inside for months... just oozing to get out. 

PS: I am going to PM you regarding my hematologist visit today.....

Oh, and by the way... the signature below does not reflect my most RECENT weigh-in..... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!......... 143!  2 lbs Below Goal!

I am so happy now I can paint my toenails!!!

1) ride a skateboard at 40mph and rip a skatepark at age 43.
2) not be so invisible to the public.
3) i can add years to my life and hopefully be able to wach my son grow up.
4) play with my vivacious 9 year old son.
5) but most of all ((((((((((( live again )))))))))
                                     chris