NO!!! First Year Reflections (Really Long)

Like other posters, my only regret is not doing this sooner. Having said that, this is not for everyone, and I am certainly not trying to minimize the seriousness of the decision. Please feel free to read/comment: Well, one year ago today, I was probably complaining because I was thirsty. I wasn't scared as I prepared for surgery, at least until we were on our way to the hospital. My brother, Kaity & Brian called to wish me luck and tell me they loved me and I lost it toward the end of the call. Other than that, I don't remember being nervous, I was just so ready to start my new life. As I try to approach most situations with humor and sometimes sarcasm, I remember telling the OR staff as I walked in that I had shaved my legs for them!!! They were so appreciative! They gave me some loopy juice, and I remember talking and then WHAM! NOTHING! The next thing I knew, the great Dr. DVR was telling me that it took a little longer than anticipated because I had some scar tissue from my gallbladder removal in 90 that took some extra work on his part. He assured me that he was still able to do it lap - THANK GOODNESS! My surgery was basically complication free, although I did develop a reaction to the heparin, and DVR said it was kind of an allergic reaction that I would have to be careful of for the rest of my life. I hated having the drain tube in, that was the worst. Its positioning caused me a lot of pain until its removal 10 days later. But I went in on a Tuesday, came home on Thursday, was walking around Target on Friday, at the mall on Saturday and at the movies on Sunday!! What more could you ask for? I was glad once the first month was over - once I got through that, it was pretty much a breeze!!! The ongoing period from hell has been NO FUN, but my docs are working on it! So much has changed, I'll try to be succinct, but you know me, so be patient! The biggest thing is - I've gone from 370 pounds to 235, hoping for another 50-60, and plastics will probably help with another 20. Whoever thought this was the easy way out is NUTS!!!!! MEDICAL HISTORY: Preo-op, my bp was 190/110 w/meds, I was borderline insulin resistant, probably well on my way to diabetes, I had GERD and was on medication, I had IBS w/diarrhea and knew the location of every bathroom in Baltimore! I was stressed, depressed and on Effexor XR. I also had sleep apnea, and was constantly tired - I'd fall asleep at my desk, in traffic, sitting still, etc. I had no energy, could sleep for 10-12 hours and not feel rested, my joints ached, I sweated just thinking about moving, etc. Post-op, I'm off all my meds except for the Effexor, which contributes to the wellness of my co-workers!!! I don't have GERD, IBS or sleep apnea, my bp is 120/70 off meds, my joints don't ache, I have more energy (most times) than I know what to do with, and thankfully, I don't sweat nearly as bad!! CLOTHING: While I was always a "clothes horse," I'd like to think that I'm now a "clothes pony!" I LOVE clothes, purses, accessories, etc., but always tried to dress very conservatively, in all one color, so I could blend in. Like a 370 pound woman could blend in anywhere, right. Now, I find that my tastes have changed in clothing, and while I still am mostly conservative, I try to wear more colors (YES, MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT!!!) I've rediscovered the joy of dressing up again in more form-fitting clothes. I used to wear big, clunky tennis shoes that cost $$$$$!!! Now, I wear cute sandals that don't kill my feet, even after I walk for hours. I have new tennis shoes that are still kind to my bunions, but don't look like expensive shoe boxes. I've gone from a size 34 dress to a size 20, from a size 30/32 pants to 18/20, in tops, depending upon the cut, fabric, etc., I've gone from a 34/36 to an 18/20, 22/24, again, depending upon different factors. I've gone from an 11 W shoe to a 9-10 W, depending on the style, cut, etc. A bathing suit is not the trauma it used to be - in fact, I need a new one, the girls are falling out of the size 28 that I have!!! SOCIAL: I used to always say, "I'm claustrophic, I can't sit in a booth!" BULL!! I wasn't claustrophic, I just didn't want to NOT fit. Now, I fit in any kind of booth, and I don't have to get snotty with the restaurant hostess when she leads me to a booth. There were some restaurants that I simply could not frequent because of the seats. I could always fit in movie seats, just not comfortably. Now, I can go to the oldest theaters and fit just fine. Same thing with bus seats, I was always worried about squashing the person next to me, bus bathrooms, too. Ever try holding it for a 4 hour ride to NYC?? No more!!! I don't immediately scope out the seating arrangements where I go, hoping I won't break the chairs. Especially those little resin lawn chairs. Who designed them? Garden gnomes???? Some things shouldn't be made, regardless of someone's size. Last year, I couldn't/wouldn't climb the ladder to my brother's pool - this year, you can't keep me out. I wouldn't chance amusement park rides, much to Kaity and Brian's dismay, because I was so afraid I'd be asked to get off. Not this year - we rode everything, and are planning a trip to Hershey Park in October. I've been there, but never rode the rides. I also don't feel the need to crawl into a hole at a social gathering. Again, I always wanted to blend in, but that was impossible at 370!!! Now, I wear nice clothes, try to be charming and make conversation. I don't always think that the conversation has stopped because the fat girl walked in. I just try to put a smile on my face and laugh. I don't worry that when I'm out, some nasty little kid (or adult), will make some comment about my weight. Several times, I was forced to say, "And you're ugly!!!" or, "Yeah, I'm fat because I eat little kids!" Although I do still say that I love kids, especially with chocolate sauce!!!! ROMANCE: Well, unfortunately, there's none of that, and I'm ready to start dating again. This time though, hopefully, I'll only have to wonder if the man thinks I'm pretty, not try to ignore that look of disgust on his face. I'm lookin', but really don't have a clue where to find Mr. Right - although I have met Mr. Rude, Mr. Cheap and Mr. Married!!!!!! SELF-ESTEEM: This is a HUGE issue - no pun intended. While my Mom always told me I was pretty, I never believed it. All I saw when I looked in the mirror was FAT! No matter how well I applied my makeup, did my hair, my nails, or how nicely I dressed, I was still the FAT girl that no one would ever want. I even married a man in 1988 who, although I loved, I knew I was settling because I was afraid that no one would ever love me and I'd be alone. He was an abusive alcoholic, and I knew on my wedding day that I should NOT have married him. Again, I was so afraid of being alone. And I AM alone now, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I have wonderful parents, my brother is my best friend, and my life would be so empty without my niece and nephew, Kaity and Brian, who are truly children of my heart. They have added so much to my life, and they never saw my FAT, they just knew that their Tia loved them more than anything in the world. But now, I'm able to do more with them and for them - they truly make my life worth living. I also have wonderful friends, both on and off this boad. I can't say that my self-esteem has improved overnight - you can't erase 38 years of thinking all at once. Although I believe I'm okay looking, it's still weird looking in the mirror - I still see the 370 pound woman - not the healthier person I am now. This is going to be an ongoing internal struggle for me. Some reaffirmation from the opposite sex would probably help, but I know most of it has to come from within. Again, an ongoing struggle. Well, there is so much else that has changed, I could go on and on, but I won't (I know, Thank Goodness!) Thanks to all of you for your constant support. I'm so lucky to have met all of you - Terry, Mo, Faye (and Annabanana), Tracy (change that picture, girl!!!), Karen Duncan (where are you, girl?), and everyone else who humors me and supports me and laughs at my sometimes stupid jokes. I have been blessed with the most wonderfully supportive family. My Mom, who has been my biggest supporter, and who put up with my emotional, hormonal outbursts during my recovery, my Dad, for being my chauffeur until I could drive post-op, my brother, Gary, who is truly the best brother/friend a girl could have, Kaity and Brian, without whom life would not be worth living, and Molly the Beagle, for her nightly runs around the coffee table to welcome me home. My bgf Lisa, who has been my bf since we were 15 - for always thinking I'm beautiful and for making me part of your family!!!! I can't tell you whether or not to have the surgery, it's something intensely personal that only you can decide. But for me, my life has changed so wonderfully, my only regret that I didn't have this surgery 15-20 years ago. Even if I don't lose another pound, (BUT I BETTER), I'm happier and healthier than I ever thought I would be. DR. DAVID VON RUEDEN, YOU ARE TRULY A BARIATRIC GOD!!! Thank you for your support, your intelligence, your kindness, laughing at my jokes and your skills and talents. You and your staff are wonderful - we make a great team, and you've SOOOOO improved the quality of my life. Any time I can get you out of a speeding ticket, just let me know!!!!!! HUGS & SMOOCHIES TO ALL OF YOU! Teresa (TIA)

What a great post, I'm so glad I read it. I am two months out and doing great but I realize it's a little early for me to express regrets if I had them. Anyway, you sound like you're loving life and I'm happy for you. Karen

Karen - Thanks for indulging me and reading my long-windedness!!! Yep, it's been a blast. I wish my surgeon could've operated on my head, though - I'd have paid extra $$$$. I still suffer from head hunger and still like sweets, but it's a huge improvement from pre-op. Now, a bite or two may satisfy me, while pre-op, it would've been a pint of ice cream or a whole bag of candy. Like I said, whoever said this surgery is the easy way out is NUTS! Best thing I ever did for myself! Continued good luck, Teresa

Oh my goodness, this is the greatest post ever!! Just what I needed. I am awaiting approval from Aetna and wish they would hurry up. You should post some pictures so we can see the results of your weight loss. Again, thanks for posting!!! Pam

Pam - Thanks! You're sweet for reading my post. It was a book, wasn't it???? I hope your approval comes through soon, it must be so hard waiting. I have BCBS Blue Choice (HMO), and I literally do not know if there were any problems with it. I got my surgery date on my first consult, and apparently, I was already approved once I sent in my informational packet. I think that's the only beauty of an HMO! I'd love to post some pictures, but am pretty computer-stupid when it comes to that. But I'm going to see if I have a friend who can help me. I did pull out some before pictures for a wls get-together we had on Sunday, and the difference between my heaviest (388) and now is amazing. The head is a funny thing, though - I can only see a difference in pictures! Thanks again! Good luck and keep me posted, Teresa

Teresa, Thank you for your wonderful post!!! I am going to print it out and hang it at my desk. I am just shy of a month from my surgery date, and I'm beginning to have some (probably normal) fears. Your post certainly put it all into perspective for me, and I will read it every time the fears start to raise their ugly heads!!! Congratulations on your successes this far, and best wishes for many more happinesses down the road! Marcia

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia - Sorry, I'm sure you get that a lot!!! Thanks for posting! I'm happy to know that my rambling may have helped allay some of your fears. Fears are normal, but I think everyone fears change. And this is a HUGE change - but a good one! My best advice is just to be compliant with your doc/nut's orders and be kind to yourself. Unfortunately, I haven't been good about measuring, taking pictures, etc., and now I wish I had. Thanks again for your kind words! Good luck, Teresa

I love your post! It could be me writing this reflection. I am at 7 months and not even at 1 year yet but Oh My Goodness! what a change. You go giirl and keep up the great work. Everyday is work and the change is a life worth living. Jan Huntington Beach, CA

Jan - Thank you so much! Yep, the changes are constant - make sure you document and take pictures, measurements, etc. I wasn't good about this and now wish I had been - not that I'll ever forget, but it's nice to have a tangible reminder. You keep up the good work, too!!!! Happy upcoming surgiversary! Teresa

Teresa, Thanks so much for sharing your story. I really needed to read that. I was just approved on 08/15/06 and my surgery is scheduled for 09/05/06. I can't sleep at all with the worry. So I came to this particular forum to read horror stories. What I got was a heartfelt story from you sharing your journey. Thanks for taking the time to share. I really needed this tonight.