REALLY thinking about things ... but why does this programming make nonsense out of my...

For instance.... how stoopid dieting is . Especially for a larger or athletic person.

I was like a photogenic weight maybe five times in my life .... always involved hours ( and months ) of strenuous exercise every single morning... a ten mile run or crazy long rollerblade ... and I always did the stop and stare in the deli ... look there?s a cookie ... look there are pistachio nuts I?m not allowed to eat .... and maybe a sandwich...

you know am I NUTS ? Someone would have loved me at whatever size ... I didn?t like myself ... I simply couldn?t accept myself.

I NEVER want my girls to feel that way .... and I look at pictures and just say you were SO pretty.... but obviously miserable.

todays food - fat free milk . Salsa . A bit of potato stix ( still less than 1/4 down in the first container after a week of grazing) .... maybe a bite of cold pizza . Seems like such a waste of food and money to get a lunch special and then ignore it and eventually throw it out . Very frustrated.

the cold cuts already went down the garbage hatch ****ouched) as did a chicken and broccoli lunch special .

I simply can?t eat anymore.... and the laugh is I would have given ANYTHING not to feel hungry years ago .

To be slim and sexy and under a hundred lbs ( not that that?s true even now ) ... but even then I worried what would happen to say my heart if I starved myself.

I have a few dancer friends ( not strippers but ballerinas and male ballet dancers ) and a few years after they retire ( at like 25-35) they usually have serious heart problems from starvation.

The heart muscle dissolves and is only adequate to supply blood to a ninety pound body ... and if she?s one-thirty after retirement it gets enlarged and eventually results in heart monitors and heart failure. No joke . super scary . The boys are often anorexic too ( or bulimic ) quiet as it?s kept .