Counseling...better from someone you personally know, or a stranger?

Hi again,

I'm completely supportive of my dear wife in her having had surgery in February. I posted about some mood swings she's had which seemed like they might be a phase, but they have intensified so I think we should seek help to preserve what is a great partnership.

My question: is it better to go to someone we know from church who is a marriage counselor or seek someone through the bariatric surgeon's office?

Thanks for any advice!

If I went to church I would not want such private information floating around a church file. While I'm sure the church folk will protect the information, people make mistakes. Like leaving a file on a desk. Or accidentally saying something. Or any number of innocent mistakes. Then there are the plethora of non-innocent things. Plus, talking about personal issues with someone you know is motivation to not share completely or honestly so that one is not presented in a bad light.

Anyone can claim to be a marriage counsellor. Church folks often just claim the title because they know what the Bible says about marriage and it's their job to counsel their flock. Whoever you go to you should ensure they have secular education and degrees, and you need to know how much what the Bible says will affect their counselling and if you agree with that.

Whoever you go to, they need to be educated in family counselling, preferably with degrees.

I would go with someone with which you share no personal contacts. This way you can be honest. Your information can't become the talk of church by accident or really even on purpose. Absolute honesty is necessary to identify and explore feelings and issues. No honestly = no help.

I would assume that any counselor connected with the Doctors office would be degreed. But, counselling the Bariatric Surgeon would be connected to may not have a family counselling focus. I would want someone focused on family counselling.

Good luck,

Tek

Wow, better late than never I guess...we went through a bit of a rough November, but early this month had an appt with a psychologist who specializes with those who have had wls and does psych evals, etc., so I have to say that one appointment has opened up our communication and with the others that will follow, we have agreed with each other to be completely honest. You are right about not using someone we might see at church and someone who is only mildly qualified. So thankful for honesty like yours and sorry I am so late responding, I was not much in the mood but am back to mostly normal now!

Your quote "I posted about some mood swings she's had which seemed like they might be a phase..." explains some of it. Everything I write has a caveat - I am not married and have never been married.

She had surgery and is losing weight. Rapid weight loss reeks havoc on hormones that will have a direct impact on her mood. We've all been there. What I'm saying is it may be more biological than psychological. Perhaps she should talk to someone in her surgeon's office or her primary doctor.

Janet, I value your experience, thank you for the reply and I apologize for being so tardy in this note. It was a rough November but we sought help professionally and it is working to open up our honesty about everything in the world, so I think with more appointments we're going to be ok! Stay safe!

I would think going to somone in your church, even if they were professionals, would come with its own baggage because they might already have opinions. Going to someone neither of you know might be more objective. (However, I am single and non religious so weight my opinion appropriately, lol). You seem very concerned with helping to support your wife through her changes and so the work for both of you, that's nice.

Apologize for my posting so late on this, but it's taken some time to get back in the mood to be posting again. November will be erased from the books fo us, but an appointment with a professional has set us on the right path I believe, so we will continue with more until we feel we'll be ok. Thank you!

How about an independent counselor familiar with wls but not necessarily a bariatric counselor?

sometimes VERY personal things come up during therapy. Would you want to share something VERY personal with someone then see them in church on Sunday? worse than thAt would either of you hold bCk on something that needs to be spoken exactly because you would be seeing that person in church?

if you are going to seek therapy I think you should go to someone outside your church.

hollykim, thank you very much for your advice, sorry that November was a bleak time for us so I didn't post. Yikes, you are right...seeing someone each week that I may have shared intimate details with was a scary prospect, so we went with a degreed professional and someone who works with bariatric patients, so it's helped greatly to open up the communication between us. I appreciate everyone's support here, and will stick with the appointments until we're on solid ground!