Girlfriend wants surgery, can it be safe and how the heck does it work?

We hear/read a lot of stories about relationships breaking up after one partner loses a lot of weight. The usual scenario is that the person was truly miserable in the relationship before surgery, but lacked confidence to do anything about it. Losing a lot of weight gave them the confidence to leave.

I don't think I've ever heard of anyone who was happy in their relationship before surgery, but found themselves unattracted to their partner after surgery, so they went looking for a better-looking model. That's not to say it never happens, but I think it's rare.

Assuming that your relationship has a solid foundation, I don't think you need to worry about being abandoned by a newly slim partner. There will be changes over the next year or so as she 1) bores you silly by talking about nothing but weight loss, 2) gains confidence, and 3) rediscovers herself. Try to be patient while the dust settles. If these changes make you feel uncomfortable or cause problems in your relationship, I suggest you see a relationship counsellor.

Darn, you people on here seem to know so much. I literally know nothing about this but you guys are stepping up. Maybe this won't be such a bad thing if I can convince myself it's safe and she won't forget about me.

Have you considered offering to attend a weight loss surgery seminar or support group with her so that you can learn more about it?

Bingo! Yes, we are going to attend a couple of them virtually together to get more information. This time it will be for DS support to hear from actual patients of that surgery.

I'm a guy, so gonna tell you straight:

When you talk to your girlfriend you need to understand a few things:

First, be supportive. That's how you treat someone you love who is contemplating taking a big step to improve her life;

By implication, since she loves you, she is also trying to improve your life;

At at 47bmi and type-2 diabetes she is not a happy camper; She is unhealthy. She wants to improve her health and her life;

You are at a loss, as you said in another post, because you are insecure. It's OK, I was having the surgery and I was insecure about my future with my wife. You fear she will get thin and kick you to the curb because she can do better. When you express this to her... CAREFULLY and UNTHREATENINGLY... she will tell you she loves you and has no desire to leave you. She will remember that you looked beyond her physical issues and fell in love with her, the real her. She will have no intention of changing, just like you don't. You two will need to talk about this again and again and you will reassure each other your love is not about 'externals'.

It's often said that WLS makes good relationships better and bad ones worse. If you're unsure where you are now then start improving it now.

The current WLS surgeries are not overly dangerous. Back when I had mine about 1 in 800 died. Complications happen, but you and she will deal with them if they happen. You will be a team, supportive of each other through the process.

Trust me, you want her to have this surgery. It will vastly improve her life and her outlook which will vastly improve your life.

Let me emphasize again: BE SUPPORTIVE. If you aren't, why should she be supportive of your feelings later?

One last thing and this may be hard: Her choice to have or not have WLS is not about you. If you love her, if she wants it for herself, you should god damn want it for her. That's how love works.

Now, get up, go tell her you support her and will help her do whatever she wants to do. She'll love you for it even more.

Good luck

Tek

Tek, I took a few days off so apologize for missing this. This is a truly honest piece of advice. I appreciate it from a guy's perspective and from one who had the surgery himself. Most of my worry is fear that it's dangerous for her, and this response makes me feel a great deal better.

I intend to support her, since it's something she wants and I'm finding out it is something to improve her health. No matter her size, I want her healthy. From what I am reading on this site, the majority of people wished they had not waited so long to have surgery. Very good point sir, on why should she support my feelings if I don't support her now. I hadn't thought of it like that, but very good point. I'm grateful for your input and advice.