Wife not attracted to me since my weight loss

Boy your post makes so much sense Elly. I am going to talk to her this weekend and try to convince her to go to counseling with me.

Also, you mentioned online support groups. I am going to look into that. You bring up a good point and one that I have thought of and feel is an issue. Being open and honest is the only way. I feel that counseling is a must for us at this point.

Leon, I thought of one more thing.

This may NOT apply to you At All but I've seen folks lose massive amounts of weight and neglect to buy a new sharp wardrobe that actually fits them.

Since most of us at a " fat weight" don't like fitting rooms and fussing with our appearance, our baggy clothes are often old, worn out, over-washed , un-ironable ( basically rags ) .

Combine that with the Omar-the- Tentmaker Dressed Me look of over-large ill fitting clothes ... NAH

Here's the remedy- surprise your partner by either asking her to accompany you to say Target to start ( there are VERY nice men's clothes there in a LOT of sizes and super reasonably priced ) if she's encouraging and visually adept... ( dresses well and flatteringly herself) -

if she's not oriented that way, grab an artist/ creative friend guys or girl or a gay friend who dresses sharply. Prepare to spend HOURS because you want to try on a variety of sizes and combinations ... and buy only the very BEST three or four outfits out of a possible twenty that All make you look Good !

Concentrate on natural fabrics because they look classier and look way better longer ...and if your friend is amenable - you stay in the fitting room and have him/her bring you different sizes until you find the BEST fit for you now in each style. Don;'t settle !

Please believe me the right, flattering clothes often make the man... they can make a HUGE difference in how you're perceived attractiveness wise.

And you'll feel SO MUCH better !!! Girls, I think usually head for the shops as soon as we see a significant weight loss- guys not so much . (((((())))) Can't wait 2 see U in Ur new togs hugs

You hit on something here. I haven't bought very many new clothes and I haven't been trying to look good as I should. I have just been happy with the weight loss and I have taken for granted our relationship. And working from home during this time, I have taken advantage of just wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt mostly. I am going to take your suggestions and try harder at looking the way I feel. Thank you!

Leon- I'm so sorry. I'm sure that this was so hard to hear, especially since it was a surprise. If she said it out of the blue (without you asking) I don't know why someone would say something like that as it's so incredibly hurtful, especially to their spouse (you may ask her to see what she was hoping to do by sharing that information - if there was a purpose to telling you).

If she said it in response to a question from you about your attractiveness then it may be how she honestly feels and she was open with what her perspective is now (for whatever reason - being attracted to someone is so personal and it could be for a number of reasons but are based around her personal preferences- it's not necessarily objective) Or... and hopefully this isn't the case, because again, this would be very hurtful, she could be deflecting physical affection and using that as an excuse to pin that on you versus taking accountability for her own feelings - I really don't know.

I think marital counseling is a great idea (if you can convince her to go) and it will hopefully narrow down the specific reasons behind what is happening and target some solutions. Love can still be there even without physical attraction, but I do recognize that the impact of that lack of physical attraction may mean a loss in physical intimacy (which is huge in a marriage).

Amazing job on your weight loss journey- again, so sorry you are experiencing this hurt- but I'm wishing you the best of luck.

Thank you for your kind response and for your thoughts. My wife has agreed to go to counseling with me now. She says she wants to try because the love is there. It all came out one day after I told her I thought she was being more distant to me and then BAM! Words I had not expected came out. I am slowly getting over the hurt part of it all and am now trying to focus on what we can do to fix things. I know I am responsible for not trying harder as I lost the weight.

PLEASE let me shed some light on this subject. I have already had surgery. My husband has always been able to lose weight on his own, if he tried. I did not want nor encourage him to have bariatric surgery but he did...I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO SMALL/SLIM MEN. That is all the problem is for me. He knows this, I warned him of this but he went through with it anyway. Not to mention that he is naturally very competitive and I am not so let's throw that in the mix. I am still waiting to find all this great energy everyone says will come, meanwhile he is a week out and biking, walking etc. By the end of my workday, I am exhausted. Nevertheless, the point is what I said in the beginning. IM NOT ATTRACTED TO SMALL MEN. MAJOR issue in a marriage if you ask me.

Hi there,

I speak from understanding the point of view of your wife. My wife had bariatric surgery and although she hasn't lost weight yet, I've seen pictures of her at 100+ pounds less and it scares me.

The fear is there for a few reasons. Will she still love me since I'm chubby and she's not? Will she think less of me if I don't lose weight? Will she love me if I'm not needed to help her do things that she couldn't do before? What will it feel like to grab a boney arm or feel her ribs? Will I be attracted to a gaunt face post-surgery? If I'm not, how do I adjust? I met her on a big person's dating app, is it fair that she chose to change? Is it okay to feel upset?

That being said...I know she loves me and we will be together forever. She isn't going to leave me for some hot guy even though I'm afraid she might be tempted. All of these issues are mine and mine alone. I am not a bad person for having these feelings. I would be making poor choices to take my feelings out on my wife. She knows I feel insecure for the first time in our relationship. I'm choosing to get counseling to help me better understand how to deal with my insecurities and create a deeper, loving bond with my wife.

Your wife needs to do the same. Her feelings aren't wrong. They are based on her experience of life. What she chooses to do about them determines how you should move forward. Yet, I encourage you to give it time and get her into counseling asap. There's obviously issues she hasn't resolved and she needs help.

Good luck to the both of you,