Have I become a fat bigot???

This is really bugging me because I have been in these shoes myself.

I'm ten years out from my DS as of 2/25/2020, went from my highest of 405 to my current 134-144 ( I bounce around on the scale a little!). I haven't done much dating because the men I'm attracted to in my age range are in long-term relationships or married. The single men I've met leave much to be desired intellectually speaking, and in other ways. Here's the problem:

An extra super morbidly obese man has found himself attracted to me, and he is within my age group and has no qualms about pursuing me.

I don't find him intellectually stimulating, or physically attractive.

I remember what it felt like to be rejected because of my size, although I did have dates and love interests, his obesity makes me think back to before my DS when I was super obese, and I find myself repulsed by him.

Is this self-hatred by proxy going on in my mind? Do I feel like I got "normal-sized", so I deserve a normal-sized man I'm attracted to? Is that sick?

My brother was very health conscious and only dated women with bodies like models. He ran marathons and trained constantly. We would go to the park to run and he would go around the course twice in the time it took me to run it once. He picked women for their looks and he would hire a detective to check out their backgounds before he got too involved with them.

When he was in his late 30's he was introduced to a woman and he fell head over heels in love. No detectives, no antagonizing scrutiny. He just wanted to be with her. Within a few months, he proposed and set a wedding date.

He told me that when he was standing at the front of the church watching her father walk her down the aisle, he suddenly was shocked at how big she was. He said it was the white dress that finally opened his eyes to how she appeared to the rest of the world.

That was 30 years ago and they are still married. He is loyal, works hard to give his family everything possible, but very much regrets his choice of a partner. The marriage has been constant fighting and they are often living in separate homes. He adapted to her eating habits and they are both super morbidly obese. She would never consider surgery because she would never consider eating small amounts.

The person you fall in love with will often determine the rest of your life. At least go in with your eyes wide open and go for it with someone who you are so attracted to that you don't want to experience life without being with that person forever.

That is literally one of the saddest things ever.

That is literally one of the saddest things ever.

Attraction is super personal. I think that his size may trigger memories of an unpleasant time in your life and you have changed and have no interest in going back to that so you have strong feelings about it. If you don't find him intellectually appealing or physically attractive either...well, that doesn't make a strong foundation for a relationship. Relationships are hard even with the best of cir****tances at times so going in with your eyes open and aware of what is important to you is such a big deal. Perhaps framing it in terms of you deserve someone who shares the same values you do and someone you can enjoy life with on multiple levels? As we age the chances that we will live long lives being super morbidly obese decrease...so there is also that. It is what it is.

the not-being-intellectually-stimulating would be a deal breaker for me. As for being super morbidly obese, that wouldn't even appeal to me back when I myself was SMO (which could explain why I didn't get married until I was 36 - not many normal- or acceptably-overweight people want a SMO partner), so it definitely wouldn't now - although I guess it would depend on the person. But overall, no - I guess I've become kind of a "fat bigot" as well. But the intellectually stimulating part is really important to me. I'd get bored really quickly with someone who wasn't.

+1 for "the not-being-intellectually-stimulating would be a deal breaker for me"

catwoman7, I don't think you need to worry about bigotry when it comes to who you're attracted to. If you didn't want to offer someone a job, live next door to them, be seen with them, be their friend, etc. because of their size, I would consider that prejudice. In each of those situations, one can be aware of personal prejudices, take actions to overcome them, and have a good result for all concerned.

But romantic attraction (including sexual attraction) doesn't work that way. Keeping an open mind about someone is good, because sometimes when you get to know them better you find you are attracted after all. But if, when you get to know them better, you find you aren't attracted to them, what good would it do for either of you to enter/continue a relationship?

Another consideration is that this person's obesity implies a lifestyle that you don't want to be a part of. For example, I personally wouldn't enter a relationship with someone who's a huge fan of football because I'd be bored stiff on weekends while they watched the game. Someone who's had issues with alcohol might choose to avoid having a relationship with someone *****gularly drinks.

American football or soccer?

Either, really. I can understand that participating in sport might be fun, but I don't understand why people would want to watch others do it. I love programming, and I'm highly skilled at it, but does anyone want to watch me work? Maybe I'm just jealous.

That is funny. I love sports and love watching them. I would not date anyone who does not love football and basketball because I love watching both on TV and in person. I want someone who shares the same interests as me.