Bit the bullet

So I finally discussed the sleeve surgery with my husband. It went as I expected. "You've never tried hard enough, this will fail like everything you've tried," all the same things he tells me. Then "what do you want from me? Why did you bother telling me?"

I really don't know now. I thought with life changing decisions you share them with your spouse. Probably doing this alone.

Many years ago, I owned a beauty shop. One of my memories was of a customer who was extremely overweight. Her husband was the most loving and supportive person I had ever seen. He constantly told her how beautiful and appealing her very large derriere was to him. When she had her hair done, we used kitchen chairs for her to sit in, because she could not fit in any of our very generously sized styling chairs. We would put three kitchen chairs together so there was a wide enough area to accommodate her.

One day my husband told me about a discussion he had with that lady's husband. It was at a men's function at our church. He basically told my husband that he did not find his wife's weight beautiful at all, but had learned that the only way he could keep peace in his marriage was by saying he supported her lifestyle choices.

Your husband is being honest with you about his feelings. He is not being nice and keeping the peace. What we all need to understand is that 99% of normal weight people feel weight loss surgery is just taking the easy way out. They will be very nice and complementary to us, but inside they are thinking that we just never tried hard enough to lose weight "the correct way".

While I know how hard it is to be successful with the surgery, I decided that it is not my mission to fix other people's beliefs. I just say that I did take the easy way out. For me it is easy to eat correctly and lose weight when I am longer hungry and when one extra bite can make me miserable for hours.

I do not expect people who did not have the surgery to eat like I do or to be involved in my food choices. After surgery I made the same meals I always did for my husband and just did not eat the parts that were no right for me. I made spaghetti and meatballs, for example, and I just ate some salad greens and a meatball or two. I just did not eat the pasta or the garlic bread. I served dessert to others, but fixed a diet version for me.

It has been and always will be my personal journey. I did not let the lack of support from others stop me from achieving my goals. I have to live with my body and my choice. Support from others is wonderful, but you must ultimately be your own support system.

Losing weight after surgery is almost too easy. The excitement to is there, our dedication is there, and "the new internal parts " help up with providing restriction and for some of us - limits the appetite. Most people would tell you that losing weight post op WLS is easy.

And IMO, it is. Why would we have surgery that rearrange our gut if losing weight was still difficult? Right?

The real life happens after the honeymoon. For some they get "free ride" for 2 years, others may get 3, or ...just 6 months.

And regain is real. Year 3-4+ became real challenge. I did not think I changed how much or what I was eating, but I started re-gain and I had a problem losing the regain.

But I lost my re-gain, maintaining around 160 (app 20+ lbs above "normal BMI") for a few years, only to re-gain 15 lbs because "life happened" and my lost my focus.

It took me 6-7 months to lose the regain. I am now maintain below my personal goal, but I am focused on it, and I am really careful what and how much I eat. And I had to give up alcohol. But having my tool, RNY - as long as I make good choices what and how much I eat - makes significantly easier to maintain my weight loss. I get full rather fast when I eat dense proteins. And stay full longer. Last night I warmed up some chicken wings (6) and a piece of tigh meat, plus I had a small serving of fried plantain, and a small serving of butternut squash. I was able to eat 5 wings, and a bite of plantain slice, and a bite of butternut squash. I had to put the rest away. When I eat keto-type diet, and remember to eat slowly and chew well, I get full on rather small serving of food. There was no chance of that before my WLS. But - when I eat carbs, even so called "complex carbs" my restriction is much less noticeable. And I can eat much more, and then get hungry again.

At one point alcohol became my "personal fix" to deal with stress and anxiety, deal with IBS pain, and other pains (arthritis). And beside being really addictive, alcohol has empty calories, plus it disrupts my body blood sugar balance and stimulate my appetite. The 2 significant regains I had were because I was drinking, the last one - I drank almost every day. Since...one glass of wine after or before dinner is supposed to be good for is. Right? Nope.

Even one of the reasons "addictive" is strong enough to give it up. Before my WLS - I had no problem being very mu*****ontrol in my drinking alcohol, but post op, I found myself sliding into addiction. I stopped before it got to a point of no return.

The WLS - specially sleeve - is not reversable. It can't be undone. And if complication happen, it can be converted to RNY.

I think you need to ask yourself how dedicated are you to that? How badly do you want that for yourself?

Define try hard enough?

No one but you gets to determine what you have or haven't done to the best of your ability. I've been on a diet since I was 11 years old, and have had an absolutely horror of a relationship with food my entire life. I went as far as having a 50k surgery done on my body in an effort to lose weight. Just because I tried and failed multiple times to lose weight prior doesn't mean I didn't try hard enough.

You have to want it. And you have to decide you're going to do it. For yourself. No one else.

How are you phrasing the conversation? Making statements that are more definitive/leading might help. "I know you want to grow old together and will support me in making a serious change but healthier choice for my life".

I do know that just like some people need more than one medication to control their blood pressure- Some people need more than one tool to control their weight. Not everyone needs the surgery. If you feel like you do need the surgery, I'd try more definitive/leading statements with him as he doesn't know "what you want from him". Just a suggestion. I wish you the best.

Going it alone doesn't mean that you are alone, you're just not going to have your husband support at this point in time & you may never get his support. Keep in mind that you're doing this for you. Your husband doesn't live in your body.

All the statements he made is about his insecurity, his anger, or whatever it is that's floating around in his head about your decision. I hope you're picking up that your decision & his reaction for the most part is about him, not you. You've told him your decision & he made his opinion, time to move forward, without his help.

Most normies, as I call them, really are ignorant & biased about wls. Perhaps going to bariatric seminars or leaving educational materials around the house can give him the option to at least learn about this stuff at his own pace if he chooses to do so. If he doesn't, oh well. Some people would rather be ignorant & opinionated than educated & supportive.

Seek out other support, the people on here can help. Good luck moving forward.

you can do this right by your self. Many, many, many have done so.

I know it would be nice to have his support but if he won't support you in this , what else is he not supporting you in?

you could jumpstart your journey to a healthy life by getting rid of that 150+.

I still haven't told my wife, and I had wls 5 years and 150lbs ago. She would have reacted the same as your husband. Today she much less healthy than she used to be, and I'm the fittest I've been since I was a teenager.

Ultimately, it's my life.

I want to address the "You've never tried hard enough, this will fail like everything you've tried" comment. I suspect there's a part of you that believes that. I mostly believed that before my surgery. But let me tell you what I've learned since then.

I had been on many, many 1200 calorie diets throughout my life. I would lose a few pounds, and then the weight loss would stop, and possibly even reverse. Eventually I would get discouraged and quit. Well of course I got discouraged! I could have stuck with the diet if only I had seen somewhat consistent weight loss. But as my surgeon explained to me, when you go on a diet, your body assumes you're in a famine, and does everything it can to maintain your current weight. The surgery resets your metabolism so that your body stops fighting you. It also makes you feel satisfied with smaller meals, at least long enough to help you lose the weight.

Since surgery I have learned that I need to keep my calories in the 800-900 calorie range to lose weight, so that's what I've been doing for the last year and a half. How many people do you think could follow a diet that restrictive for that long without surgical help? But I don't feel deprived, and I don't get discouraged because I see fairly regular weight loss. Sometimes I have a stall for a couple of weeks, but I know that it will end.

Your husband may begin to understand better as he sees you make progress after surgery. (He may also be worried that you'll leave him once you lose weight and gain confidence.) In the meantime, I suggest that you tell him exactly what you want from him, what he can do to help you. (He probably genuinely doesn't know.) Be specific. Acknowledge his concerns, but perhaps ask him to not to mention them between now and surgery. Maybe you would like him not to eat certain foods in front of you for a little while. Maybe you want him to keep his snacks in a cabinet that you never look in. If he complains about this, acknowledge that you know it's a sacrifice for him, but you appreciate the help.

Best of luck to you!

Is your husband overweight? Could he be insecure and worried that you will leave him if you get thin?

Find a support group. If there is not a local one, use this group as your support. You can do this without his support.