Gaining weight after gaining a partner

I am 3 years out from a vsg. I've recently moved in with a boyfriend. That has been stressful due to stressors of kids, combining families, and change of schedule and meals. I've gained 11 lbs. He is constantly bringing in snack cakes for the kids and soda. I've asked him not to buy it but he says they need it. One of my 5 kids is fat. He and I have both gained more weight because of eating the snack cakes. I still try to cook healthy but the boyfriend only wants carbs. He now hides the snack cakes which has helped some. I wish he just wouldn't buy them.

How do you deal with differences of opinions about what kids can eat? It's not fair for me to say my kids can't eat snacks while your kids do. I feel that would create too many problems. How do you deal with cooking in a way that everyone likes?

Sit down away from the kids and go over a co-living plan. My husband and I did this before I moved in with him and it helped a bunch!

Talk about teaching the kids to eat healthy, about snack cakes being a treat every once in a while but not a regular thing. Talk about everything not just the food! Bedtimes, TV, cell phone usage, computers in the bedrooms, even pets you may want to get. Do a life plan together. Explain that you want to give all the kids life skills and how can you do that together... Don't just tell him what you want, ask him what he wants, explain what you need then talk about the difference and how you both need to compromise. Write it out, make shopping list, work as a team.

We agree on everything but the food. That never even crossed my mind.I do the cooking. He will only eat meat and junk food so he buys that and keeps it in his nightstand then tries to be a food pusher while we are in bed watching tv. He also buys fast food and shares that and the junk food with the kids.

I'm going to be blunt with you. If my husband ever ate in bed I would give him a swift kick in the ass and if he ever tried pushing food on me I would take it and throw it on the floor. Thankfully he does neither.

He needs to understand that kids DO NOT need junk food. We wonder why the obesity rate in the United States is getting higher and higher.

Does your partner know of your WLS?

Yes he knows of it. He equates food with showing love.

This was something my partner and I had to figure out - he'd always gotten me food treats as a way of showing love and when I didn't want those anymore he was really sad and hurt.

It helped us to brainstorm other ways that he could show love, so instead of just saying "Don't do this" the conversation became "hey, please don't do this anymore, let's figure out things you CAN do instead." Could that approach work for you? Helping him to figure out other ways to show love?

That has been hard figuring out ways to show love. I like time together. He likes time together with food included. I think he does feel sad that I don't respond to treats.

That is fine and good, until you have TOLD HIM equating food, with love DOES NOT WORK, FOR YOU, and to STOP IT, RIGHT NOW !!!!

How do you make it any plainer than that????? If you can share your body/kids/bathroom/kitchen/bills, with the man, you HAVE to be able to COMMUNICATE - especially when it involves your health, and the health of your children

I know I made it sound "uber simple"...but...this part kinda is...

I'm old...I know stuff

"He equates food with showing love." That is how i grew up. I also used to equate food with fun, because that is what my mom's idea of a friday night was..Either going out to eat at an All-you-can-eat buffet or staying home and ordering a pizza. It's great if you don't have a food addiction when you are an adult and aren't morbidly obese.

I hate to tell you but I couldn't stay with a person like that.

If he is being food pusher, and disregards you wishes to keep food lie that from you and your children- this is disrespectful and just mean. It shows that he does what he wants, without considering your wishes and your health.

You may need to go to a counceling and discuss with a therapist what you may try to do.

Post op, after I was at goal, I met and even got engaged to a man that I afored who told me he really loved me. But he was controlling. Within months he started making unpleasant comments about my eating. His comments were not nice, but he thought he was funny. He was not. I loved him, but I had to get away because I started resenting him.

When someone disregard your wishes, over and over, they are showing you that your opinion does matter. Now it is food - in the future it may be something more important.

You already gained 11 lbs, and year 3 post op is often a year that most people realize that need to adjust their eating because the body changed. A lot of people have no problem keeping weight off year 1-2 and even 3. But after that it starts to be hard. Having someone who sabotage you so he had a partner to eat with and not feel guilty about it - it would mean that your journey can become more difficult.

If you don't care if you gain all the weight you lost, because being with him is worth it, that is your choice.

I have friends who had RNY at the same time I did and did great in first 2-3 years. But now they are back to being the same weight they started or close to. But they eat what they want, and are happy about it.

And your children. You struggled with weight and you would like to feed them better choices, so hopefully they can get better start to healthy life. It doesn't look like he respects that. That would be a huge no no for me. I don't have human children. But I gave friends who do. When they visit, my friend asked me not to have chocolate served, nor ever buy chocolate or candies for them for holidays (we are very close) and I respect that. I asked and got permission to bring fruits. I brought small easy to peel mandarins. I brought salad with home made healthy dressing. That was the right and respectful thing to do.

You really need to consider all. Unfortunately people like that rarely change. Can you live with that?