Spousal support

WARNING: LONG RESPONSE

Every relationship is different. Let's start with that. In my case my wife had WLS first (gastric/lap band) in 2008. I tried hard to be supportive but in retrospect I failed to be the support she needed. From the beginning she had issues with nausea and inability to get food down and stay down. Not knowing any better I just thought this was "normal" part of the gastric band. We both thought it would eventually go away. Sure I tried to adopt her lifestyle changes (diet) at first, but as the complications continued, I went back to my old bad eating habits. I regret that now, but I really didn't know enough about WLS to be supportive. She also abandoned her lifestyle changes and would just be happy to have any occasional meal where she could keep food down.

Her struggles continued for years, but she learned to live with the constant discomfort and nausea. Yes she did lose weight initially, but not significant amounts like predicted. She didn't get a lot of support from her surgeons, who placed the blame on her minimal weight loss and nausea on her. I soon started to believe the procedure had failed. As her husband, I had completely sworn off WLS for myself because of what she was going through with the nausea and discomfort.

In 2016-2018, she suddenly lost a dramatic amount of weight, despite not having any restriction (fluid) on her band. She was thrilled with the weight loss, but she was secretly throwing up every meal. Her bones began to show, she was pale, and lacked energy. she had her blood tested and the numbers were awful. Later we would find out her band had created scar tissue that was essentially strangling her esophagus. She was malnourished and weak, but she loved her new body (she down from 300 to 150 lbs.).

In 2017 I hit my lifetime high weight and my health declined. Seeing my wife's weight loss (and her external "happiness"), I started to reconsider WLS, but knew that I definitely didn't want a gastric band. I started looking into VSG and RNY. Despite of her own problems, she was very supportive of my interest, as long as it wasn't the band. She went to my initial appointments and helped me decide on the VSG procedure. She also started seeing my WLS surgeon for her own issues, to get a 2nd opinion. About a month before my VSG was to be performed, our surgeon recommended that she have her gastric band removed. She reluctantly agreed to the removal, but this in when her support for me began to waiver. I had lost 50 lbs. prior to surgery and she started to question me for proceeding with VSG.

Long story short, despite some arguments, I went through with my VSG in November 2018, and less than 4 weeks later she had her band removed. The removal eliminated her pain and nausea, but the timing of this could not have been worse. Since then I have lost a total of 105 lbs, while has gained over 60 lbs back This has created a lot of strain on our marriage. She feels miserable about her gain and has told me she resents my weight loss. And every time she sees me she get upset and miserable. I can't talk about my weight loss around her. I can't eat around her. I can't exercise around her without it upsetting her. She is supportive of my diet, and helps with meals and meal prep (because it helps her too), but emotionally she isn't supportive. I find myself completely avoiding the weight loss topic, eating bad foods when sharing meals with her, and wearing old baggy clothes, just so she doesn't think about weight loss when she is around me. She is now starting to handle it better and work on herself (she just joined WW) but we still have bad days where we fight about weight loss. I am learning to be more careful about what I say or do around her, but sometimes I do things I don't even know I'm doing, that will set her off. She is seeing a bariatrican this month and I hope this will help her.

I know this is a long story that you probably didn't want to hear and probably doesn't answer your questions, but I share it as a warning. Pay very close attention to your spouse's emotions. Be mindful of your actions, especially as you start to lose weight. Even the littlest things (like taking a selfie, buying new tighter fitting clothes, or sharing your weight loss with friends) can be upsetting to your spouse. Talk about these things before you get surgery to make sure you know what he is comfortable with. Realize that their initial support can and most likely will change (sometimes for the worse and sometimes better). Try to get him involved wit your journey, but don't force it. If he feels forced, he will resist even more. Show him the benefits (more energy, feeling better, increased sex drive) and he would likely be more supportive.

NCMTNEER13

It sounds like you and your wife should get some counselling. I don't say that lightly. It seems you are both going through the process at different times and in different ways. But, if you can both get on the same page with diet and exercise, it would be supportive and beneficial to you both.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry your wife has struggled for so long. I also agree that some marriage counseling would probably helpful. I'm not judging. I just know that marriage counseling helped us with my post par tum depression, so I say it's worth a try. Some employers have assistance programs so you can get so many visits free, and hopefully then insurance can pay for some more if needed. I wish you both well, and I appreciate you being open about your experience.

There are a lot of responses here. Mine will be short.

My middle daughter (who is 19) has voiced the exact same things ... you haven't tried hard enough ... easy way out ... give up too easy ... you're just doing this to look skinnier (lol ... )

She finally admitted that she's trying to discourage me because she's scared. She's scared something will happen to me. She's scared I won't be happy after having to eat differently. She doesn't understand that I can eat food after but it will be planned out and according to the program.

Also, what made her feel better was that it is laproscopic.

I assured her that it is a long process to get to surgery and the program has you meeting with different experts like dieticians, social workers, nurses, etc.

I went a walk-in clinic for swollen feet and legs recently and had a substitute doctor. (Although my family doctor referred me, she has not been supportive or discouraging ... kinda neutral.) He said the good news is, my heart sounded OK ... the bad news is, you can't make lymphedema go away ... and then, he congratulated me on starting this process. He said at this point, the benefits of the surgery far outweigh the risk. He means, if I don't do something now, it is more dangerous to me than if I do this.

I have been having several issues lately and all caused by obesity. I won't list them and bore you.

So, my advice is to tell your husband you are doing this for your health (and if that is not the reason, you should not be doing this) and the risks are small. It's a safe, routine operation in a hospital where people know what they are doing.

I hope this helps.

Kathy

This surgery is all about health. Now in the past when I was younger, yes I did diet pills for all the wrong reasons. Purely vein. Now I am to the point it is health: sleep apnea, HTN, gestational diabetes with both pregnancies...

I'm actually used to my body. The thought of it being different is a little scary. I don't feel like I am as big as I am. I'm always a little surprised when I walk in front of a full length mirror.

Good luck with your surgery :)