Spousal support

In good news, you don't need his support. But it really sucks not to have it :/

You've tried the things I'd suggest - support group, therapy. Couples therapy might be useful again? There are books about WLS he could read?

Can you schedule a meeting to talk about your dietary changes and how you'll handle them? I don't know how you've addressed it to date, but have a scheduled time instead of just bringing it up whenever might work better for him? I know that I can fall into the trap of thinking that just because I want to talk about something RIGHT NOW, everyone else must want to as well :)

Do you have other support systems for yourself? WLS friends, etc? I would try to limit my discussion with my partner to the things that actually do matter to them and share the other stuff with other people instead. So your new food habits will probably impact your partner... but everything else can be discussed with other people - friends, your therapist, etc. (If you don't have a therapist, that would be very useful to add to Team Amanda.)

As for the sex - what are the worries about post-op sex?

Yes, I have a psychologist. I had to go for the mandatory psych eval, and then I continued seeing him on my own :) I have found it very helpful, and if we needed to, my husband and I could do marriage counseling thorough him too. I will continue to see him after surgery. I actually have several WLS friends and some of them I work with too, so we talk about it all the time. My one friend is 1 year post op in August, and we work every weekend together. It is really nice. And luckily my husband doesn't mind the food stuff. He really like veggies and is willing to cook the kind of meats I need, the way I need them. I'm just not eating any pasta or rice. He actually likes the zucchini noodles and stuff like that.

My worries about post-op sex is saggy skin/boobs. I know I can reconstructive plastic surgery. It's just that mean time. Luckily My friend is completely comfortable talking to me about this stuff. I asked the other day. :) She's about just a little younger than me so it's helpful we are about in the same stages in life. She's been with her husband since high school too.

Thank you for your reply,

some people's relationships get better, some get worse, some stay the same. I think a lot depends on how the relationship is/was BEFORE surgery.

my marriage got stronger. I think it's because I have an active husband who's never had a weight problem. I couldn't keep up with him when I weighed 300+ lbs. Now that I'm normal weight, I can - so we do a lot of things together now that we couldn't have before I lost all that weight.

My significant other was totally against me having surgery. But I had made up my mind and told him it was happening because my health was suffering. He never really accepted it, but he did stop the negative comments.

I'm 110% glad I had the surgery...would do it again in a heartbeat.

i do understand where you are coming from. my ex-husband who is also my best friend was scared that he would loose me since he just lost his dad. in the beginning it was a problem because my ex was over 300lbs, a trucker who was on 2 diabetes meds and a diet of junk food. my weight loss was a threat to him but he eventually came around and saw how much happier i am now. he is a picky eater but he likes my food like califlower pizza, baked eggs, etc. about the sex issue for me it changed for the better. getting all the weight off down there does change things.

I've had many talks with my husband about this. For us (we've been together for more than 25 years) he needed to lose weight too for the sake of his health. I've tried to take that approach. I told him that I wanted to look better for the sake of my health first and foremost but I also told him that I wanted to look better for him too. Then I brought up his own health struggles and the plans we have for our future after our kids are out of the house. This appealed to him since he wants to travel a lot. This helped a lot so if your hubbie is in that particular boat maybe that is a route to try. Working out together might also be a bonding experience too. You can try taking walks together or whatever you find fun to do as a couple. We discovered roller skating if you can believe it. Good luck on your talk as well as your surgery.

Thank you ? we do take walks and stuff around the roads around our house. We used to go kayaking. I'm hoping after surgery I will get down to where I can fit in them again. We have 4 so I'm a few years we can take the kids, which will be good for them too. We don't really get a lot of alone time with me working, him working from home with the kids, and then I'm working on my Master's too.

I hope I didn't make him out to be a jealous ass or something. For the most part we communicate ok. We are just about the only ones of anyone we know still on marriage 1. So we talk a lot about how not to end up that way. This is just one subject we have trouble discussing openly.

Thanks for the advise. ?

My wife had the surgery first and then I had it a few years later.

My biggest concern was simply that she was "going under the knife". With 2 young children the thought of her not being around scared me. But, I knew she wanted to do it and then once she came out of surgery, it was easy to support her. Once I saw how much she lost and how she felt, I started thinking it was something I could look into as well. We both say it was the best decision we ever made.

Clearly he has insecurities. If you have always been a "bigger" girl, he may be worried that you will find someone else. Like someone else said, you will gain more attention after you lose weight. Sadly, some insecure men just need reassurances.

However, maybe you and him can become more active together and be able to do new things that you haven't been able to in the past. Its almost like starting your marriage over. Its fun and exciting to try new adventures together.

Good luck..

Just like many other have already said, My husband was supportive of the surgery, but once I got down to about 225 (about 115 lb down) he started feeling insecure that I was going to leave him. I hadn't intended to leave him, but he continued to obsess about it which eventually drove a wedge in our marriage. I've seen marriages where weight loss pushed spouses closer together, and marriages that weight loss drove them apart.

Let's say if you did lose all the weight by a strict regiment of diet and exercise and you looked hot in your sexy skinny body, do you think he'll still be insecure? If the answer is yes then surgery isn't the issue it's the weight loss. If the answer is no, then it's probably the surgery and how difficult recovery would be for the family. Continue to try to find out the root of his concerns, because his insecurities could be what hurts the marriage, not the surgery.

Also I would avoid the "dating again makes me want to vomit" comments. I assure you're trying to tell him that you don't want anyone else, but I bet all he's hearing is "dating isn't desirable but I'll do it if I have to". Taking about dating again (even negative talk) implies the possibility of you leaving him for some reason.

Good luck

I agree. Why is dating even a topic.