Spousal support

I don't think I've asked this question here. I've asked it with my WLS friends. But I am wondering how to make this transition easier on my husband. I will have my surgery this summer. He doesn't want me to do it. He's used terms like "taking the easy way out" "never tried other methods hard enough"
"always gave up too easy"
I took him with me to my surgeon appointment and he sat through the whole thing and asked questions and stuff. He doesn't like it but he knows "i'm going to do what I want anyway". He doesn't really talk about it, usually just gets quiet when I bring the topic up, which I am doing more since umm...it's May. Summer is just around the corner. I've tried talking to him about my diet requirements and such. He's trying. He's asked about what kind of "grain substitutes" I can have. He's much better about cooking me veggies I actually like, and he eats some of the meals and stuff I've made that are Bariatric friendly.

I know we are both worried about what my post op body will be and how it will affect the sex. I mean sex is a big part of a relationship. I know I am way less critical and generally enjoy being around him when we are having a good amount of adult time.

How has everyone dealt with less than enthusiastic spouses and WLS? What happened post op? Suggestions on this not blowing my marriage up? We aren't perfect together, but we do love each other. And we have been to counseling after I had really bad post partum depression. We've been together 13 years and have two kids. And to be perfectly honest the thought of having to date again make me want to vomit lol. So I thought I'd put these thoughts out there. Be proactive, not reactive. Is there a good forum for him to check out? I saw one here, but it doesn't really look active. Where I live there doesn't seem to be many bariatric support groups. The one I know of is at 7pm on Mondays and that doesn't work for us at all. I know some friends have taken their spouses to those. So here I am rambling here I appreciate anyone *****ads this to the end.

Thanks,

Amanda

You may have already done this, but have you tried to get to the bottom of his concerns? Is he afraid something will happen during surgery? Is he afraid you will leave him when you lose weight? My husband and I have a very strong marriage, I would never ever leave, so I was shocked as hell when I found out he needed a little reassurance that there was no way I was leaving.

Well, I haven't really gotten a straight answer from him. But I told him the exact words: the idea of dating makes me want to vomit. We have several friends who have gotten divorced here in the last few years. And I've heard people say like if the person was big when they married and then looses the weight it causes trouble. I don't know why, I've just been told that. But we were both a fairly healthy weight when we met. I stsrted the gained weight when my mom died. He gained about 60 lbs when we had kids. I told him last night I'm going to keep bringing surgery up more and more until it comes. Because I want him to actually talk about it. I guess we will see.

This is only my opinion and you know what they say about opinions LOL

My husband was one of the most amazing supportive husbands. He went to every class and appointments with me. He helped in any way he could and just kept saying he was so excited for me. My husband and I were buffet buddies.

But....I could sense there was something there/wrong. 2 years after I lost the weight and had my plastic surgeries he said he felt he could finally breath and share. He was SCARED TO DEATH he was going to lose me.

When your husband makes comments like "you didn't try hard enough", just remind him if you could do it on your own you would have by now. What does he think you are doing with all the failed diets. Practice runs?

You have shared that your marriage has had some rocky times and it sounds like the insecurity is there. You are going to get attention you never had before and may not want but it does mess with your head. Also, there is a chance he will worry so much about losing you it will turn into a toxic relationship. Keep assuring him, go to counseling if that helps.

I have a couple of great articles I will share with you about relationships after WLS. Share with him it's not all about the outside but the inside. You want to live to see your children grow, and grow old with him. You want to be able to live life as it was meant to be lived with your family. I had WLS and lived my husband didn't and died from obesity related issues. Now when we should be enjoying each other in our golden years, I am alone!!!

And the sex can be not only as good as before but much better if you both let it.

Building Your BEST Marriage & Relationships After Weight Loss Surgery

Relationships After Weight Loss Surgery: For Better or Worse

Good luck and please keep us posted on how your are doing. We are here for you

Regards,

Kathy

Thank you so much. I will read these articles when I can get to a desktop instead of my phone. I'm so sorry about your husband. I worry a lot about being there for my kids. My mom could do anything about her MS and it is so hard without her. I know she was suffering, but I never realized how much a girl needs her momma until I had kids. Not only do I want to see my grandkids one day (hopefully a ways down the road as they are only 4 and 5 lol), but because I don't want them to go through life without me because I didn't do all I could. Obesity is reversible and I owe it to them to try everything. Thank you again for the articles.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can't relate from a "spousal" point of view but certainly can from a "loved one" perspective. My brother died in 2010 due to obesity related issues. I miss him a lot and it hurts that he had the opportunity for WLS but wouldn't do it.

This is only a thought, I don't know you and your husband, so it may not apply. If you are sure he is the one you want to be with, you may need to say, "I love you and there is nobody else in the world that I would ever want to be with. I am really going to need your support going through this. Do you think you can be here for me?". I think that comes off a lot differently than "the idea of dating makes me want to vomit".

I feel like having my husband's support made such a world of difference going through this. However, I did very directly tell him early on what I thought would be most helpful to me. He was so amazing and the surgery made our marriage stronger than ever. He actually cleaned my drain every day after surgery because just looking at it made me retch. I would have been lost without him and now I am even more devoted than ever.

Good luck, I wish you both well!

From what I've seen, people with strong marriages pre-op tend to have strong marriages post-op.

It doesn't really sound like your marriage is super strong right now? Do you communicate about other topics?

I am close to 11 years post op. My guy met me when I was already normal size.

The less I talk to him about my surgery and diet, the better we are. When I gained weight, he did not say a word. But he also did not praised me when I lost the regain. The only time he commented was one-time when I got too skinny, and he knew I was struggling trying to eat foods in general.

Overtime I developed severe food allergies and sensitivities, and I struggle to keep balance. He is there to support me, not criticize me. Even when I do (eat) something that eventually can cause me a lot of pain, once I am in pain, he is just there for me. Trying to help me in the moment. And never try to makes me feel worse about it. We don't have "I told you so", or "what were you thinking?", Or even "you should know better". When I am physically hurting, I tell all that to myself, he never adds to my mental misery.

I use this platform, OH, to ***** complain, and talk about diet. Not home.

I may mention something to him if I think he may be interested, but rarely do.

But - we often eat completely different meals sometimes at same time, sometimes at completely different times. I don't try to tell him what and when to eat, and he respects my likes, needs, and timing.

There are foods that are my "kryptonite". I simply can't have them around me. As the years go by, much less really tempted me, but I still have a few. But when those foods are concerned - we either don't bring that to the house, or bring seldom. Or some of them he keeps in his "area" in a box: "our of sight- out of mind". In restaurants, he often puts the fresh rolls basket as far away from me as it is possible. Specially when I am really hungry. Fresh bread or rolls are one of my biggest kryptonite. I have no will left when they are around. And bread is on of the foods I became seriously intolerant to. I can get really sick if I eat it. I still lose my self control around that.

My husband was 100% supportive of me having the surgery. He was never anything less than that, so I can't answer how to deal with that. I'm sorry it's an issue for you. I can't imagine how stressful that must be for you.

My main worry for you is how he'll treat you and his feelings toward you immediately post-op. Will you be able to count on him to help you when you're in pain? Help with the kids? With lifting anything over 10 lbs for 6 weeks after? Will he be there for you if you have buyer's remorse the day after surgery, or will he sit back and say "I told you so!"? Will he put all his negative feelings aside and just be supportive? Do you think he will be sympathetic? I hope I don't seem judgmental by asking these questions, but it's imperative that you know if he will really be a support system for you.

Have you asked him specifically what his real issues are with the surgery? Is he worried you'll leave him? Is he worried he'll have to adopt your new way of eating forever? ( He won't, nor will the kids unless they want to. ) Is he afraid you'll die? It's not fun to think about, I know, but that may be what's going on with him-he's afraid of losing you.

If my husband was having ANY doubts, I'd be having a calm, but serious heart-to-heart talk with him to address any fears he may have. I'd also talk to him about having a few sessions of couples' counseling to help both of you deal with this.

As to the sex aspect, surgery didn't do anything to dampen our sex life, other than the two weeks I had to avoid sex while healing. Sex actually improved a bit as I got smaller. There was an adjustment period for both of us, but we just rolled with the changes.

One last thing, don't worry about "grain substitutes", please. About the only substitute that you can have is cauliflower subbed for rice or potatoes, but even that's not an immediate worry. ( and IMO, it's awful. I don't bother! ) If he is worried that he has to quit eating grains/starches..he doesn't have to. As long as YOU don't eat them, it's all good. My family still eats pasta, bread, rice, and sugar. I eat meat with a veggie or cheese. A lot of times, I just eat protein for a meal. I call it "meat with a side of meat". The biggest adjustments: If I make a casserole, I put aside some meat/veggies/cheese for me, and eat that instead. For soups: I don't add rice or noodles into the pot of soup itself. I make it separately. I don't do breading on meat or use flour for gravy. There are a ton of low carb food blogger websites that can help to learn how to use alternative ingredients. BUT...that's down the road for you; it's nothing you need to worry about until you've gone through all your food phases and are ready for a full menu of solids.

Sorry for the novel, lol.