AMAW today - join in

I agree. I don't want to be food obsessed. But if I don't think about it and eat whatever I want whenever I want to, I will rapidly gain weight. I don't know what the middle ground is.

There is absolutely a middle ground, and I think a therapist can help you find it. For a lot of people here, it means having a schedule of meals and snacks, and sticking to protein-rich foods. Once you make a routine, you can often stick to it without being obsessive.

Like Julie said, there is help out there. If you can't schedule therapy into your day for the foreseeable future, know that more and more therapists are offering online options through facetime and such.

Some will even do phone visits but probably only after you're established with them. Plus I think insurances really balk at phone stuff. My own won't pay for phone visits but when I need help asap I pay cash gladly if I can't get to the office.

If you can't do therapy in any form right now, don't let that stop you. Read. Read some books, read online, read wherever you can find the info. There is an amazing amount of information regarding body dysmorphia and eating disorders out there. You'll need to do your own research to make sure you don't fill your head with junk, but you are certainly intelligent enough to do so. There are also 12 step groups like Overeaters Anonymous, which is free.

Pull out all the stops. You really want to be taking this issue to the mat now, and not in twenty years. Any children you have will absorb your actions before they absorb your beliefs.

Enough of my lecturing. Glad to see you posting and hope you continue.

Please listen to Erin and others.

On top of what they are telling you, a couple of days ago I had a follow up appointment with my gastro doc. We were talking about weight and how I perceive my own body.

When I was losing weight post op RNY I started feeling good about my body when I reached app 160 lbs. That was less than 6 months post op. My normal BMI starts at 146 lbs. So 160 seamed high, I kept losing. Around 150 I really felt good, and I started looking very bony. Finally I reached app 142, normal BMI.. I have a really large frame, big bones, dense bones. At 142 - my body fat % dropped to unhealthy for me 18%. At my age of 48 I entered into menopause. My period was fine one month, no existing the next, with a horrible hot flashes, low energy, mental fog, and depression.

What was even worse, is that at that very low for me weight and body fat % - I experienced body image dismorphia. Suddenly all my foods of skin I saw as fat I need to lose. I kept journal and the change in my perception of myself was clearly visible. As if a switch got pushed in my head, and from feeling good about myself, fit and skinny at size 4, I saw the fat woman staring at me from my mirror.

Thankfully my doc office provided mental counceling and I was able to see a therapist a few times. What was explained to be then, and later on, as much body fat % dropped to an unhealthy for me level, that also affected my hormonal balance. Everything was off.

I slowly developed better relationship with me body, accepting that size 6 or 8 would be good and healthy for me, and slowly changed my weight. Accepting myself.

It is over 10 years when I used to deal with that first time. First time? Yes. Because there was more times my weight dropped below 150. And every time my mind freecks out.

Over the 11 years post op I lost and gained a few lbs here and there. At all 152-155 my body fat % is about 20-22%. Still rather low for woman my age, but acceptable. When my weight is between 150-162'- I feel my best. Fit and happy and look that part. Below 150, and I got there a few times, is when the "not fun starts". Everytime my weight got down to 145 or below - I feel fat. I know the feeling is irrational. And at my age - I can and try to ignore it. But the same way we feel happy or depressed - we can't not feel. We can try to work to change the "feeling" but initial reaction to my body is "my legs are fat, my arms have fat I can get rid of, " etc.

At below 150 - there is very little fat under my skin on my torso. Skin and ribs. It is neither good for me, not healthy. My doc, who believes "leaner is better" asked me "you don't like being so thin or you worry about no reserves?" It is both, mentally I deal with body dismorphia when I am that low, physically I don't feel good. And the aspect of reserves : a few months ago I got sick, stomach virus, I "lost" 10 lbs. In 24 hours. It was mostly water, and once I was able to drink and retain my liquids, I "regained " 7 lbs. But I know things like that may happen in the future. Not planning ahead to make sure my body can handle thing like that would be irresponsible.

I hope you really think hard about that.

Having full body dexa scan when my weight was over 150 was a huge eye opener for me and for my docs.

I am currently at 149 and I am trying to stop losing. Ideally I would like to hover around 155-160, but my knees are giving me trouble and I was told to lose some weight, to see if that would help my knees. Nope. The pain is still there. My new goal is to maintain at 150-155.

I really needed this post today. I keep wanting to push to a lower weight, "thinking that would make me happy". When I saw my PCP Friday, he was very happy with where I was and when I said I still wanted to go down 11 pounds he go very quiet and told me that the extra weight I carry right now is skin. That I need to maintain where I'm at and that it's a good healthy weight. My PB is 120/69 and he's worried that it might dip too low. He's sending me off for a Dexa scan and said we can talk after that's done. Meanwhile he had me set up an appointment to talk with someone who specializes in WLS and transfer addictions. For now I'm waiting for the scan and maintaining my weight.

Good luck,

Liz

Edited for typo and missing section added in quotes. LJ