Lets talk about being honest with your significant other about your struggles.

I am going for my consult in May for VSG.

My husband, who I have been with for 14 years, knows I struggle. I think he mostly thinks about self esteem issues I have and anxiety that stems from that, but less about the actual physical things I have trouble with. I've also not talked about those things because.. well, I'm embarrassed.

I won't fly to see his dad's side of the family anymore because it's horribly uncomfortable for me. I usually say it's because I have flying and it's expensive. I also have issues with leg/feet swelling with too much walking/standing, but most embarrassing of all - stress incontinence and hygiene issues. He has no idea about these issues.

He also doesn't know how much I weigh.

Anyone have a similar situation before their consultations, or surgery? I'm thinking about having this discussion before we get there so nothing is a surprise for him at the visit.

My husband never knew my highest weight until it was long gone. He knew I struggled with pain and mobility issues because of my weight and arthritis in my knees, but was mostly concerned when I brought up my decision to have the consult (which I brought him to, but he didn't go in when I got weighed) was that something awful could happen during surgery and I would die. That's a legitimate concern because any surgical procedure carries the risk of death.

I had my surgery almost 3 years ago. I have lost about 150 pounds. I am smaller now than I was when we married 21 years ago. My surgeon never mentioned specific numbers but talked about percentages of weight loss and goals, etc. I'm glad he came so he could ask the questions he had and it made it easier when we decided it was time to tell our two girls, who were 16 and 13 at the time.

I am now a nationally ranked foil fencer and he runs marathons. He has lost 60 pounds because of my weight loss. We are much healthier and more active.

I was very honest with my husband - I didn't want to live my life like a fat person anymore. I was depressed, anxious and embarrassed of myself.

THis surgery was the best decision I ever made.

when I was younger, some things were not shareable. TMI. As I got older, my filter slowly went away.

I met my current partner post op RNY. Originally from Europe, adding my personality, then age - no subjects are off limit. If someone wants to know - I tell them. Unfortunately, sometimes I tell even if they don't want to know, or rather the did not know they wanted to know.. .

We were dating a year or 2 and I needed colonoscopy. He took me there and ...unfortunately he had to listen to the conversation between the doc and me about my bowel issues. Cute? no?

But in a first year he survived a toxic gas my body emitted after eating something that caused that. And not one time. The type of gas that can kill small animals or peel the paint from a wall.

if he loves yu, and have a good sense of humor - he would be fine. Unless he is a person who fights dirty, using sensitive information during a fight. The less deal I make about an issue , the easier is to talk about it , or not.

BTW: eventually I figured out what was causing the horrible gas i used to have all the time, and corrected that (by stop eating that food ).

As for the other issue - incontinence - I developed that condition app 6 years ago. I thought it was due to may age and IBS. I even went for pelvic floor therapy to help me to control that. Then one day it was gone. Magically it is no longer my problem. Unless I drink diet Pepsi or coke. Some diet drinks irritate my bladder and the muscles. And now- we have saying in our home : "you can let her drink Pepsi and laugh but not at the same time".

If your problem goes away as you are losing weight - cool, but it not - consider asking your gyn about pelvic floor therapy. Or stop drinking diet drinks.

"But in a first year he survived a toxic gas my body emitted after eating something that caused that. And not one time. The type of gas that can kill small animals or peel the paint from a wall".

LOL!! That made me almost spit out my water!

Hala:

Your response was so honest and helpful! But the way you said it had me rolling on the floor laughing! What a great combination of writing skills!

---Joyce

This is where I think I would have called my husband an enabler. Yes I had struggles, but like you I hid them. I never wanted him to recognize that my physical struggles were tied to my weight. And he did his dutiful role of finding other reasons my back hurt, why going to an amusement park wouldn't be worth it, why designers were stingy with clothing sizes, why restaurant booths were so tight. I knew the reality- he helped me design a different reality. My hubby had been smaller than me most of our relationship. But when the time came that he was gaining weight and now those 'excuses' had to fit for the both of us- I said to myself enough. I figured one of us needs to me able to do things, especially for our boys.

I never took my hubby to my pre-op visits. I kept him informed, except for my weight. I'm sure he want clueless about my weight, but he did hear it on surgery day.

For us my weight/weight loss is still the elephant in the room that's not spoken about. And while I know it's a tough place for him to suddenly give accolades to what had once been taboo-- it hurts that's he's silent. Having the discussion could be tough-- but it will likely set the groundwork for genuine support.

I had to be very honest about my weight and physical struggles in order to get my husband's support. He simply didn't think I was big enough or sick enough to need surgery. He loved me completely when I was obese and wanted me to be happy, so I took him to my pre-op appointment and he asked lots of questions and was convinced after that. Now when he looks back at pictures of obese me, he is shocked by how large I was - he just never saw me as all that big.

I used to guard my weight like a military secret.

At some point I realized that telling someone how much I weighed wasn't going to make me suddenly look 50 pounds heavier.

Topping out at 347 pounds probably had something to do with it. Try not to worry about this issue too much at least. You wont go from a size six to a size twenty the minute you tell that secret. In fact you'll look just the same! I know you know this, I'm semi-teasing.

Someone who used to be here on OH called the scale a "stupid box on the floor with numbers". That has helped me incredibly.

It's amazing how much better you can feel if you're able to let that part go, at least with your hubby. =)

I did not take my husband to my consultation, and I only shared the bare minimum. He could see I was SMO,.

I am not much of a sharer, and I figured since all he could do was maybe offer encouragement there wasn't a lot he needed to know.

My husband was my biggest supporter and still is... He didn't know my highest weight until after I was down almost a 100lbs, I was too embarrassed. He's still can't believe how much weight I've lost, and really neither can I. I'm almost to my most recent and most likely my last goal and he know how much I weigh and how much more I want to lose. He also know how much I've lost and can't believe it when we look at old pictures. He never pushed and has been so supportive. I went with what I wanted to share, we talked a lot before, during, and after about everything. He never asked and I honestly don't know if I would have told him or not...