Could use some advice - raising a young (healthy) child

Hello and I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I've been pretty quiet lately because I've been going through some hard times, but I do need some advice.

So, I guess first off it's important to note that my husband of 6 years and the father of my 3 y/o daughter left me about a month ago. I don't know why. But I now find myself in the position of being a single mom to a young child and I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to make sure she doesn't end up like me. I want her to be healthy but I never learned to eat healthy and I don't know why I should give her or make her eat or how much I should make her go outside and if I should let her watch TV or how much....

I don't know. I don't have family here that I can turn too and I can't move for another 2 years because I've finishing up my BA degree (that another big hit, it's going to be so difficult to go to school full time, work enough to support my daughter, and still have an hour a day to spend with her :(

I don't know...

Any advice?

PS - I'm planning on starting therapy but I have to wait until after August 21st so that school will pay for it b/c I can't afford the copays right now

I'm very sorry about the upheaval in your life. I can't even imagine what it's like dealing with that. I sincerely hope that you have a good support network of friends that you can turn to right now while waiting for therapy. Building Team You is really important in general, but even more so when dealing with something like this! (You probably already know this, but I hope you've spoken with a lawyer to ensure your child is getting child support, etc.)

There are lots of great resources out there for parenting advice. I'm not a parent, but I've studied a lot of developmental psychology and observed a lot of parenting - plus I was a kid once :D

My #1 recommendation is to set a good example for your child. Eat healthy, involve your kiddo in age appropriate food preparation tasks, be active and be active with your child.

My #2 recommendation? You won't break your daughter. Yes, you'll be focusing on school and work for the next two years, but that's okay. Do your best to make the time you can devote to your daughter quality time, when you have semester breaks, use that time as best you can to be with her. It's okay to not be perfect for the next two years. Be the best you can, your daughter will, at some level, understand that (maybe not at this point, but she'll know in retrospect).

You'll both be okay.

Thanks so much! For both the sympathy and link to age appropriate cooking tasks. I'd love to involve her in meal making as I'm getting more comfortable cooking healthy foods. It'll be great for developing healthy habits, teaching, and bonding :) that's just an amazing idea

Would you guess, my ex actually convinced me that any child support I'd be awarded would be such a small amount it wouldn't be worth the stress. It actually turns out he's responsible for about $350 a month! What a help that'll be!!! I'l going hard after that now, he owes it to both of us.

Thanks again :) this is a hard time and I really needed the support

Child support wouldn't be worth the stress???? Oh, brother. Get that stuff asap and have it garnished from his wages so he can't screw with you getting it. The local child support agency will help you with this. Put it into the divorce settlement.

Honestly, some guys...

as a parent, My best advice is to exemplify and encourage healthy eating and behaviors- but do not demand them. Incorporate reading labels, portion size as a routine part of nutrition-- don't be preachy. Same with exercise/activity, make it a natural part of your family life- not a mandate.

I grew up obese- and it was demoralizing to have food locked away, to be ridiculed that my being fat was difficult/expensive for my parents (higher priced clothes, food expenses..) and confusing to hear 'you're too young to weigh X' cause I figured I'd finally get a pass as an adult-- nope.

the one thing I wish I was told young was to try an maintain my weight vs. always being told I need to to lose. That helps with accepting your body as it is IMO. I look at my boys and am proud I've raised two boys with healthy/informed attitudes about weight, eating and exercise.

im sorry your husband left- but I encourage you to carry on and show your daughter she is loved no differently. All the best!

Your comment about being young- and want to be encouraged to maintain weight made me smile

--I remember being on the scales (I, too, grew up obese--and my mother, as well) and Mom (bless her heart- she was trying her best, and, having no earthly idea of what was normal,) said, " Ok, Bonnie- 135# is ok; you just don't want to gain any more. Keep yourself at that weight and you will grow into it just fine." I was 10 or 11 at that time, and there was no way in this or any realistic world I know of where an 11 year old who had a lot of development and growing yet to do, was going to maintain that weight. Of course, I did not stay at that weight and...

My mom , not having been taught and not having gotten it right, didn't know how to teach her daughters how, and, I, not having been shown had no clue--(I knew what not to do), but tried what I hoped would help my children get "right relationship" with food - treated both the same- one is naturally thin and the other has a natural tendency to heavy ness....GOSH, this topic is complicated and I do not think the answer lies in any simple solution. Food health is such a mind-body-soul-emotion thing, part of our very essence and being--

America's children, I believe, are all at risk..no matter if they are raised by hopeful but unknowing heavy parents OR so called normal sized parents who have no clue how to relate to their "chubby" children. Americans in general have no earthly idea how to keep their children safe in the food obsessed culture we live in.

We do our best, and try to learn and then pass that on. Thanks, Peachpie, for your comment. It's made me think....

And I loved reading your insight/ experience on the matter. I relate- and agree there is no simple solution.

I'm glad you said that, because that's something I worry about too. I don't want to be so obsessed with her having a healthy lifestyle that I make it seem like weight is the most important thing or being skinny means being happy. I think just making a part of life is a good way to toe that line.

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this.

The only thing I would add is to look into any services offered through your college. Many of them here have support services for single parents including daycare and parenting support groups and even play groups for the children. Some even offer employment on campus. Maybe your school offers some of that! Contact the counseling office and find out.

Oh wait, I guess I do have more to add.

Have your daughter help you as much as is age appropriate when you prepare food. Eat together as much as possible, and eat the same thing. Somehow the satisfaction of helping to make a meal makes kids that much more willing to eat it. And often a little cheese sauce on the veggies will make them more acceptable to the kiddos.

Stay away from juice. Use whole fruits as much as possible so she will get the full benefit without the sugar rush. Also, stay away from the processed stuff as much as possible. Teach her the deliciousness of real food.

Don't demonize food. Let her have occasional treats, but emphasize that they are treats, not a diet staple.

Encourage her to go outside. Go with her! Show her through example that it's FUN to go outside and blow off some steam.

Make TV a treat or reward, not a way of life. (I know that will get more difficult as she gets older).

I was overweight as a toddler so I know your fears. I decided my kids weren't going to become obese like me. I don't obsess over it, but I watch portions. I buy them healthy options. I didn't add butter. Started cooking with olive oil. Gave them measured portions for desert. No sodas aloud except for birthdays, holidays, and the occasional special occasion, and no crappy cereals. I didn't deprive them, but I also didn't let them have anything. Also, keeping them active helps, and sports also facilitate healthy lifestyles. Neither of my kids are overweight. My daughter fluctuates now that she is an adult, but she is able to ring it in, and get back on track. When my daughter was young I had a lot of financial difficulty, and I was still able to provide good meals and proper portions. On several occasions I've heard, "Mommy why can't I have another cookie", and my reply, "because I'm saving you from being fat like mommy".

Sorry you are going through so much. Best of luck to you.