Dismissiveness

In the ongoing process of learning i've discovered some things. Some that I wish I didn't know...even though I know it's a good thing to know about people.

Some of you may recall my posts about BED. I opened up to some friends and they totally brushed me off. Some said oh, I have that too...what are you going to do about it? One even told me that I was creating things for me to have. Guess who I won't be talking to much anymore? It wasn't easy to say those things! I really don't know what I expected but being told i'm mentally a hypo...that one hurt.

One things this surgery has provided for me that I didn't expect was a bit of a back bone. Something that was rare before.

Realizations about friends that i've had for years, some almost 20 years, are really hard to swallow. Thank goodness for the people who keep it honest and those that offer support without moral judgement. They are rare in this world it seems.

I've also taught myself a lesson. Don't have any expectations of people. It doesn't work well when you do. No one can read my mind so I need to stop it in the first place. It's a hard lesson but I am thankful for it!

I'm really sorry that you've had this experience, but I'm glad that it's helped you to realize you have a backbone.

It always hurts when the people we expect to be supportive and understanding of us end up doing the opposite. But, hopefully there are other people who exceed your expectations to help compensate. :)

When I was first disclosed what I was experiencing that drove me to realize I needed to see a doctor, I shared with a very select group of people - only ones who I felt safe discussing mental health and mental illness with. It took me, um, almost two more years to get to the point where I felt safe disclosing to all of my friends. (That was a big milestone for me, since I feel pretty strongly that talking about mental health is important to help fix the misconceptions people have about it.)

Mental/Emotional disorders are often so much harder for people who don't suffer with them to understand. Even in this day and age, there's a stigma against those things and a lot of people take the stance of "Suck it up." How many times I've heard from family "Can't you just look on the bright side of things?" or that getting out of the house and socializing would cure all my PTSD and Depression. That being said, the "friend" who decided you were just making things up for yourself to have is not a friend to you and I'm glad you won't be socializing with them much anymore.

I am glad you had the courage to bring up BED with your doctor's and are seeking help for it, you've done amazing in your journey so far both mentally and physically. That first step of asking for help is such a hard one.

I have lost many friends in the process of losing weight. I have gained far better ones to replace them. When I last saw my surgeon he asked me what the easiest weight loss I had was. I joked my divorce was the fastest I've ever lost 200 pounds, ha.

I actually disagree a bit...we should always have expectations of others. For instance, I expect people will not randomly murder me or steal my sandwich. That's a silly example. Levity aside, though, we should always expect to be treated with respect by the people whom we call friends and family. The reality is, sadly, sometimes far from this ideal. That is a normal and healthy expectation.

When we work on ourselves and change, we realize how often we have settled or compromised with who we are and what are values are. It is not surgery that gives us confidence, necessarily...it's the process of recovering from obesity and uncovering who we are.

Many people who do not work on their issues find this threatening. This happens a lot with people *****cover from mental illness if they have relationships with others who have not started to recover. The people *****main stagnant will get irritable at best, and sometimes cruel at worst. It's largely an unconscious process.

Eating disorders are vastly misunderstood. People think they are a joke, and that they are just about willpower. They are about trauma and control, and they are exceptionally stigmatized. Part of why I discuss mine openly is because not enough of us do...either because we are not yet in a place where that is a possibility, or because it's so far behind us sometimes we "forget" we have the disorder until it rears up again to remind us.

Binge eating disorder in particular is poorly understood...people toss "binge" around casually as a joking term of overconsumption. The reality is binges are terrifying episodes without control and without mercy. They are full of shame, and guilt, and pain. It is good you are are able to take a step back and critique what is going on and not try to own what they are saying.

The best lessons are, for me, always the hardest. All true art takes effort and insight to create...much like being a congruent human being.

I'm sorry that your friends failed you!

This is not a pass for them, but something I wonder. Could it be that in a really inappropriate way, they were trying to make you feel better? As in, "aw, don't worry--that's no big deal" or "oh, it's in your head--nothing is wrong with you". It's a wrong and awful response, but could they have thought they were being nice?

Anyway, if you think these are friendships worth saving, you'll need to have the difficult talk. If not, onward and upward! Sounds like you have great new reasons to connect with other people -- a perfect position to make friends.

People will always let you down at one point or another. If they blow you off, are denigrating, they are not your friends. There are not there to help you. Good for you for seeing that. When you open yourself up, there will always be someone, or a group of someones who won't like it. Stay the course, and ignore them. They don't matter in your life.

They show true colors. That sometimes is good to know. Plus a lot of people don't understand the struggles. Over the years I lost some friends and found some others.

FYI: when I had a internal hernia - I would be in pain after almost any solid meal. One lady, that I was thinking was a good friend, suggested that I need to see a psychiatrist, because maybe my pain is psycho -somatic, and instead of surgery I may just do much better on antidepressants. She felt like I was manufacturing the pain to get attention.

Right. A couple months later I had a surgery to fix large internal hernia.

Now you know exactly why I live off-grid in the forest, LOL.