My 25 Year Old Diet Journal - Still on that Merry-Go-Round

I found a diet journal that I kept 25 years ago when I joined TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly). I was 269 lbs when I started, and my son was just a baby.

It was really an emotional read. I was so convinced that I would finally succeed...one sentence in particular really struck me: "I've been locked in a prison of obesity for over 20 years." I wrote that 25 years ago...and I'm still in that prison.

I did really good the first 3 months or so. I lost about 35 lbs. BUT I was following the low-fat diet, which at that time was thought to be the solution to obesity. We know now that was all orchestrated by the sugar industry, but at that time, fat was the enemy. My diet consisted of bagels, muffins (I'd make myself), pasta (I'd make that too), rice, homemade bread, Snackwell sugar-free cookies, sugar-free Enteman's cakes...LOTS of cake. But I had a lot of instances where I would be out of control...semi-regularly, my after-dinner "snack" would be a couple of bananas, a muffin or two, and a couple cups of Kix cereal. All of that. Or an entire Enteman's sugar-free cake. But I kept my fat grams around 20-30 so I was convinced that I would reach my goal of losing 109 lbs. I was so sure I had found the solution.

I seemed to never be satisfied...always looking for more, but staying within the constricts of the low-fat diet. After about 3 months, my momentum slowed, my motivation lagged, and I barely maintained for another 3 months. Then I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and quit going to TOPS.

Here's a few excerpts from my journal. It makes me sad that I could be writing the same exact words and feelings now. I should be getting my surgery date in 11 days, hopefully I'll be sleeved within a month and I can finally, FINALLY get off this merry-go-round.

I think a lot of us can probably relate to this..

I actually lost a truckload of weight on the low-fat diet (well, 60 lbs - which seemed like a ton back then. And it was one of my more successful attempts) - but alas, it eventually piled back on - and then some. Just like it had dozens of times before...

I can sympathize with you but let me tell your right now, at 9 years into my weight loss surgery journey, you will never be off the merry go round.

All you you can do is control what that merry go round does, how fast it goes and if it moves at all.

You vontrol the merry go round and it's actions by YOUR CHOICES.

Even after WLS , you can still be on the merry go round,with it out of control.

HollyKim makes a good point. The difference with WLS is that you have another "tool" which you must choose to use wisely. However if you choose to ignore the rules that engage that tool and allow it to work for you, the Merry-Go-Round can go out of control again.

For example, donuts in my house could get me out of control if I start eating them. I haven't had one in 2.5 years (since I started my WLS journey) because I know just how dangerous they are for me to resist once I start. But when I have a high protein meal or snack, everything spins at a nice pace.

I wish I could tell you that WLS takes you off the merry-go-round permanently, it does not. I am 2.3 years post op and fight everyday with the merry-go-round. I just have a wonderful tool in my arsenal to fight it with now...I hope that makes sense. Your journal entries look very similar to what mine looked like 30 years ago. I am sort of glad I didn't keep mine. I wish you the best with getting your surgery date!!

Surgery is not magic. WLS still requires a diet.

I shared snippets from a 25 year old journal. I was being vulnerable by sharing that I'm in the same place that I was 25 years ago, and 20 years before that, and that I finally have hope, through WLS, to succeed in reaching my goal and maintaining it for the rest of my life.

I know exactly what I need to do post-WLS. I know that it's not a magic bullet, I know that I need to be mindful of everything that goes into my mouth, and I know for damn sure that it's not going to be easy.

I have a therapist who I have been working with, voluntarily, since I first started this journey so that I would be mentally and emotionally prepared, and I plan to continue to work with her post-surgery.

I guess it would have been more productive and positive and encouraging for me to share it with her, and not in this forum.

I'm not sure what you wanted to hear. We've all been where you are. We've all been on countless diets and failed. You posted that you were "glad to finally be off the merry go round" . The replies that you got simply reminded you that once a food addict, always a food addict. The merry go round is forever. Just like an alcoholic is never cured, but only in recovery, a food addict fights their food demons for life. If you can't wrangle those little *******s, you will be spinning out of control with your demons riding shotgun.

You can gain every pound back after WLS. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear...but it us the truth.

Sharing your diary was your choice. Once it's out there on a public forum, you take what you get. If sharing puts you in a place where you can mentally prepare for surgery, GREAT! You can't dictate how others respond.

Blocking people is an option, but I don't recommend it. You may be blocking the very person who has answers to your questions. You can learn from people you don't particularly like. If you block them you have limited your own education. Some of the folks who irritated me the most before surgery are the ones who stepped up with answers when I needed them. They are good friends now.

You take what you need from this site and disregard the rest. It's a waste of your time to be upset by this post.

You're right. I need to grow a thicker skin.