Not sure what I expected...

Along the lines of sharing our surgery with others, I made the decision to tell my brother today. I prepared myself with all of the answers to questions I thought he might ask. Armed with my research and a few links to send him I called and after a brief conversation about other little things I shared this huge decision with him.

I was ready for anything I thought. What I got however, hurt me so badly I am now regretting that I told him at all. Indifference. He absolutely did not care at all. Nothing in my life could have interested him less. I know he is self centered, and I know that his in-laws are more important to him than the father we grew up with... but I didn't realize that extended to me too.

I was not a good sister to him growing up, I vented the abuse I received (and witnessed) out on him. When he left Basic Training he told us that the only reason he got through it, and did so well was because of how I treated him... A part of me thought we had gotten beyond that. I thought we not only made peace but had become close. I don't think I have ever been so wrong.

Now I am hesitant to tell any more of my family. I knew that we broke a little bit when my mother died in 2014... I just didn't know it was this bad.

I obviously don't know anything more about your family situation than you've shared here, but for those of having the surgery, this is huge and life-changing. For those people who aren't, they can't possibly fathom that or understand what a big deal it is and generally they will react accordingly. Especially if they aren't prone to showing emotion in the first place.

My sister, whom I'm very close to and always have been, made a completely disgusted face and said "But, WHY?!" when I told her. When I explained that, well - I'm fat, and for my health and sanity I need not to be anymore she immediately started listing the reasons why I didn't need the surgery. "You're not big enough. You already lost a lot of weight. What if you can never eat anything normal again?, etc"

She and everyone else that had a strange reaction have since come around.

My own husband was not happy when I made the decision to have the surgery. But, guess what? He eventually came around. HOWEVER, we have a close family friend, who is like an adopted brother to me who had the surgery 2 years ago and he told me point blank, "You are going to fail. No two ways about it, you won't be able to follow the protocols pre and post surgery." That really hurt!! I thought I had a friend and mentor who would help and he basically squashed me! The month he said that to me, I only lost 1 lb, when I had been losing 9-10 lbs a month. Did he send me to binge eating again? You bet! However, I decided that I would show him that I could do it and I have been successful, so far. Also, I think what helped me was having the sleeve instead of RNY. I have made mistakes in my eating, but not to the point of vomitting because I ate too much or ate the wrong thing.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think we all have people in our lives that don't want to see us succeed.

Natalie, I really feel bad for you. Sorry you friend hurt you like that.

On the other had - I personally know people that I advised not to have surgery. Knowing them personally- I knew how they lived, what was their home and life situation. I did not think they were ready. But after they (more than one person) had the surgery - I offered help and support. The time showed me I was right. None of those people met their goal and all but one regained the weight. Very sad.

The one the lost the weight and so far maintains the loss took my word as indication that she needed to look at herself, ask question why I thought it was a bad idea for her, listened, researched and ...got into counseling. We still talk sometimes. My words to her helped her to look deep into herself and work really hard to overcome the obstacles.

If I were you - I would approach your friend and ask him to be brutally honest why he doesn't think you could do it. Then ask him what he thinks you need to do to be successful. You can ask him to be your mentor, or just a friend.

Sometimes when people tell us something about us - they may see more from outside that we can do from inside.

I had my butt-hurt a few times when a very good friend would tell me something about me that I felt were not nice. They as time went - I analyzed the situation, and the comment. I would ask myself why she/he could think that of me. Then worked on it.

I found that my best friends are the ones who were willing to risk our friendships as long as their comments helped me to became a better person- healthier. They were hoping that coming from them - I would see that as a sign of great love, not animosity.

But ... There are also the other people who we thought are friends- who were just mean, and who wanted us to be "worse than them". And they would say anything to discourage us from being the best we can be. Sometimes it is very difficult to be able to discover "the wolf in sheep's clothing".

Good luck.

It sounds like the two of you don't have a great relationship - why did you tell him? What were you expecting to get out of this exchange? What are you hoping to gain from telling other family members? I'm not asking to be mean, but these are things to consider before you disclose this information to more people.

For me, pre-op, I only told people who needed to know because I didn't want them to find out about my surgery with a phone call to say that something had gone wrong. (Not that anything did go wrong, of course, but this is the way my brain works.) So pre-op I only told my parents, my brother (because my parents told me I should), my three best friends, my partners, and some service providers (voice teacher, massage therapist).

My brother's reaction was basically, "Whatever. Good luck." :P And, honestly, that's what I was expecting from him. Even now, having lost 170 pounds and being a very different person that I used to be, the only time he's ever commented was maybe the first Christmas post-op and that was because my mom said something like, "Doesn't Gwen look great?!" And my brother mumbled something positive in response. My brother isn't a bad person or anything, but we're not close and he doesn't care about things like this. No big deal.

So, yeah, I recommend that, before you tell more people, you ask yourself "what do I want to get out of telling people about this?" If you just want to tell them so they're aware you're having surgery in general, keep that in mind so that you can give them information and realize that was the goal. If you want to tell people because you want them to cheer you on, pick people to tell who WILL cheer you on.

Thank you for the support here. I expected at least a question from my brother, or an attack, or even a comparison to his most recent surgery. I did not think he would react the way he did. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Also, I chose to tell him not for a cheering squad, but because he is my brother and if something happens to me I don't want my husband to have to blindside my family with the news.

Again thank you for the support folks. I am glad to know I am not the only one to get a response that was more like a kick in the teeth than what was expected.

In your brother's case, since you told him solely for informational purposes, try to remind yourself, "Well, I achieved my goal, he has the information I wanted him to have" instead of being bummed at his reaction. You were successful regardless of how he reacted. :)