Feeling discouraged and unsupported

My family was very against it, however my family is also very obese and very ill. One person called and left me very nasty messages while I was actually in surgery.

Generally for major surgery I suggest to people that they tell their family what's going on because it can be devastating for them, and for you, if there are complications and they suddenly get that doctor phone call. I avoided telling many people things for years due to fear, severe anxiety, and terror at the idea of conflict. Unfortunately for my friends perhaps (lol) that is no longer the case.

Really what WLS does is clean out your closet whether or not you want it to be cleaned! That is, all the skeletons come out for everyone to view. A part of the process is coming to terms with the relationships and attitudes we have been complacent with and avoiding. Skinny family doesn't get it, and obese family is often threatened by it.

Only you know what's right for you. Only you can decide what is right in your situation. And, just because you aren't telling them right now doesn't mean you can't tell them before surgery.

The real process of weight loss, whether someone needs to lose 20 pounds or 200 and whether they get surgery or not, is internal and has nothing to do with food or consumption, truth be told.

It's not an easy decision. Whatever you decide is best for you, I wish you luck. :)

I received some pushback from people who didn't really see how much I struggled to lose weight since puberty. My husband trusted my judgment knowing I don't do anything impulsively. My dad was proud of my resolve to lose the weight, even if it took something extreme. My mother was scared to death, but knowing how stubborn I am, knew it was pointless to try to talk me out of it. She also knew I don't just jump into anything. These three core people meant the world so that nobody else's opinion mattered, but to be honest for you, I was prepared to do this whether they supported me or not because I was that confident in what I had learned.

You need that confidence, and you will get it by learning more about weight-loss surgery, the different procedures, why you want a specific procedure and how exactly it's going to work for you. Learn all you can about RNY (gastric bypass), VSG (sleeve) and DS (duodenal switch). There are some hybrids out there that I wouldn't recommend, but these are the big three. They address obesity differently, so you want to understand those differences and compare them to your own weight experiences to figure out what will work best for you. You can do this much more accurately than a 15 min consult with a surgeon who knows nothing about you and your history of success and failures. With that you can respond back to your family and friends with that knowledge and teach them a thing or two. They will hopefully step back seeing that you know what you're getting into. It won't eliminate their fears, but it will help.

They will next tell you about their coworker's sister-in-law's best friend's step-sister who gained it all back or had complications (they usually gain it all back). Know what causes this and how you will prevent it from happening to you, and be prepared to speak to that.

I have an unsupportive and nosy/opinionated/gossipy family so I chose not to tell them. My husband and my 2 best girlfriends are the only ones who know even after all these years. I brought it up once with my mom when I was still investigating and her reaction was very negative and one of those "I know someone's daughter/sister/cousin who died from surgery" so I dropped it and didn't bring it up again. I knew how this storyline would've played out.

You have to keep this a very personal decision and do proper investigations and speak to those who've had surgery, not those who haven't. And speak to a bariatric surgeon who's done a lot of these surgeries - ask the questions, get his/her opinion. A lot of negative reactions do come from fear, granted, however depending on how much merit you put in your family's opinion they could talk you right out of surgery and you will still be obese, unhappy, unhealthy and now resentful and they will not. Years will pass and you will still be battling and perhaps now with more health issues like diabetes, high blood pressure, joint problems, etc. Their lives go on as normal and you're still trying to win the battle. If you decide to/not to have the surgery make sure it's your decision, not theirs. Also, if you decide to discuss it with them again make sure you are ready with the correct information and answers to their concerns because there is a lot of misinformation out there. Prove you've done your research and have thought this through and be steady in your resolve.

If we could do this with just diet or points alone for the rest of our lives we'd have done it already. The surgery is a tool that works in conjunction with all the other things you need like meal planning, portioning, exercise, mindset, and gives you that ability to take control of your eating. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I waited until I was 46 to have the surgery and wish, wish, wish I'd have done it 10 years sooner.

good luck with your journey.

My hubby and daughter were 100% behind me, and that's all I really gave a rat's patootie about. I didn't go out of my way to tell people outside immediate family and close friends, but after deciding to blog about it it wasn't like I was being secretive.

The only family that heard about it ahead of time (at least from me) were my parents and my older sister. Sis had VSG a few years ago, and had been pushing me hard to do it. Honestly, part of the reason I waited as long as I did was to spite her. (And only hurt myself, doesn't it figure?)

My parents were not in favor of it, but their reasons were odd in my opinion. Dad just thought I needed to work harder at diet/exercise, since it worked great for him. I gave him some of the statistics on the efficacy of diet/exercise, and as a scientist he responded to that. My mother was concerned that I'd become the diet police and never talk about anything at gatherings but my weight and food and such -- because that's how Sis is. I pointed out that it was a personality thing, and I wasn't likely to be like that since I'm not about anything else. Beyond that they were just a little worried about major surgery. I put those fears to rest, and then they were OK. They've been amazed at my transformation over the last 15 months, and are now very glad I had it done.

I have a very close group of friends who were very concerned, because of experiences with family/friends. We'd lost a close friend and even though it was years after her WLS, she'd had nothing but trouble after it and the group attributed her demise to complications post-WLS. A couple of other friends had lost family members similarly - years after WLS but the family was convinced the surgery was ultimately to blame. We also personally knew people who had had LapBand and actively sabotaged the band (serious food addiction with no therapy) as well as a couple who had come close to death with complications with the band. All of my friends expressed their concern, and I addressed them as the caring concern it was. Once they understood that I had considered the possible complications and thoroughly investigated my surgeon and the procedure I was to have, they were behind me. Everyone is super thrilled with my progress and how much more active I've been able to become.

I captured my thought process and decision in my blog:

http://www.theantichick.com/2016/08/05/the-easy-way-out/

Hope it helps.

As for family, I get that it's hard to not have them as sounding boards. You can try and educate them, but they are often going to have a very different idea about what you should do and try and sway you to their way of thinking. For myself, I give them the information and ask them to be supportive, but I have to be ready to move forward based on my own judgment and put communication with them on hold if they can't respect my decision even if they disagree. I think family should be supportive even when we disagree on the right choice.

I believe that anyone who is to the point of considering WLS has really darned good reasons for it, and has likely tried all the other stuff. The very small chance of complications is there, but most complications are easily treatable and even those aren't that common. The complications of morbid obesity are longer-term concerns, but much more deadly statistically speaking. The research and focus in my opinion should be on the things that could prevent the surgery from being successful - therapy to treat food issues, full understanding and commitment to changing eating patterns and relationships to food, etc.

"My body, my decision." End of story. Make it your mantra.

What sorts of "troubling" information are you seeing about WLS? Maybe if you share here, some of us can speak to our experiences and/or the medical research that's out there.

My (always thin) brother was alarmed by my decision and advised me against what he viewed as such a risky and drastic solution. He objected out of love and concern for my well-being, and suggested alternate routes to weight loss. But I had already tried virtually all of those methods. They had all been enormously successful - until I regained. After a few months my brother came around, and has been supportive ever since. Everyone else in my family has been incredibly supportive. But I told very few people outside of my family - I preferred to maintain my privacy.

My $.02: I am the one who suffered the consequences of obesity, so I am the one who got to make the choice for surgery. Everyone else can have an opinion, but I do not have to cater to or entertain it.

I am not getting the support I expected from my brother....also from my SIL and her parents. While I am more upset about my brother the others don't bother me anymore. I am very open about my choice to have WLS with anyone but that doesn't work for everyone. My large family shattered since my grandparents passed and they no longer care to be involved with us. They will gossip and talk but I just don't care anymore. Even had a cousin tell me to get the balloon. He had no idea about any of it.

the person that matter most in this choice is me. My mom is a huge support so I am very thankful.

yeah - I had weight loss surgery in March, bought my dog in August, second best decision this year! (WLS being the best).