Have you asked him those questions? Preferably when you're not in the middle of an argument about something? If you're not seeing a therapist, it might be wise to start seeing one now to help you figure out how to deal with his attitude toward this.

Yes ma'am, I've asked him. And he either gets very aggravated with me, for asking, or refuses to talk . I'm praying he has a major attitude adjustment real soon

I don't think prayers are likely to help here. What might help, if you're the praying type, is to seek out counseling with your cleric/pastor? Couples counseling migh also be worth a try in addition to counseling for yourself.

Sadly, we can't change other people. We can change how we react to them, we can choose to stop dealing with them all together, we can model good behavior, but for a person to change they need to be motivated from within. If his behavior is detailing you - that's something you can deal with through counseling and figuring out what YOU need to do to keep YOURSELF on course.

This journey is harder for some of us than it is for others. For me, it was easy and I suspect it was easy for you too.

The only person you can control is you. Your husband's behavior comes under the four C's. You did not cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it, you can't cure it.

Don't let him rope you into being his therapist. It is not your job to understand him.

Quit being concerned about him and let him find his own path. Lots of people lose 100 pounds with RNY and gain 20 back. Lots of people lose 80 pounds with VSG and gain 20 back. It is up to the individual what they do with their tool.

Be happy that things worked out for you and hope he finds what works for him.

Perfect response!

Awesome response.

I credit therapy at least as much as the surgery for my success so far.

I would encourage him to seek out a therapist regardless of if the surgeon "makes" him or not, but offer that encouragement and then drop it. He's an adult, you can't make him do anything. Focus on your recovery and his will work out, one way or the other.

Because a inertia is easy (i.e. not doing anything when you are not doing anything is easy) and change is hard.

Sometimes people, no matter how honest, can even delude themselves.

My Dad was "this close" to having WLS when he suddenly put on the brakes and told me he just doesn't think he will be able to stick with the lifestyle post surgery. Breaks my heart because I am very close to my dad and am afraid I'll lose him early to a weight related illness. But, I'm glad he is being honest with himself. I hope that is a step closer for him to make changes later.

Either way--super frustrating when you can see so clearly what needs to be done.... but they just wont/don't/can't. I have the same frustration when I help my sister financially----aaaarrrgh

Hi Wendygail,

You have every right to feel this way but until he gets it there really is nothing you can do. I will get slammed for this but unless there is a medical reason for a revision, then the regain is head issues and another surgery is not going to do it....

If you think it will help you can share with him let him know a member replied to your thread and said I lost weight, my husband did not, I am alive, he is dead! All complications were weight related.... I have a list for getting back to the basics and her is a link with articles about head hunger. That being said, he has to be serious about it. Good luck and we are here for you. VENT ANYTIME

Head Hunger

I find it interesting that you excuse your 15# gain as "damn menopause..." but his has to be self sabotage and destruction. Obviously he has a mental block to weight loss, but so do all of us. If we did not we would not have had, or having surgery. I think a more gentle kind approach is warranted here, not killing him. Also, who buys the food? Do you have some type of agreement about what is and is not allowed in the house.