Well meaning non-support

i am wondering how you handled people's non-support?

After the excitment of learning my appointment moved up by six months I got a few messages from people that are...well less than supportive. I know this is a fact of life type thing, it'll happen. One notion in particular is bothering me though. I have had a few tell me they almost died or someone they know due to WLS. I'm upset a bit. I know this isn't the easy way out and I know the risk. I am scared but I know that I need to do something. If I don't do something I will die, a miserable death from complications. I'm pretty open about this journey. I am not ashamed in the least. It is just frustrating for me. Maybe it's a lack of sleep that is making it so annoying to me. I do not care who knows what I'm doing but I do not appreciate unsolicited advice saying I might die.

Just needed to vent a bit. I think they mean well but in reality it is only my business what I do with my body.

I assume you shared your excitement on social media, or via text with people? There will always be naysayers, always. Don't try and convince them of anything. When they tell you those aunt's cousin's mom died- say that awful. Period. Then mentally Rolodex that moment to avoid this topic with that person.

I choose not to discuss with anyone other than immediate family.

Death is a possibility, so is living the healtiest life you can't even imagine now.

Obesity is a fatal disease -- and often a miserable one at that.

According to the NIH, obesity and overweight together are the second leading cause of preventable death in the United States, right behind tobacco use. An estimated 300,000 deaths per year are due to the obesity epidemic.

Would these same well-meaning friends tell you about the people they know that died from heart surgery, if you needed open-heart? What if you needed a kidney transplant? Would they discuss all the stories of organ rejection with you?

Usually these stories are about "my friend's brother's cousin" or some "friend of my mom's co-worker" type of crap -- that really boil down to ignorance about a life saving surgery wrapped in biases against the obese. Society likes to act like obesity is a moral or personal failing, instead of the health issue that it really is.

Keep your good attitude, and keep nay-sayers out of your head.

I had a well meaning friend tell me about a bad experience she had with surgery and how it scares her. I was very direct. I said, " I'm going to set a boundary on this topic. Telling me about your bad experience with surgery is neither relevant nor helpful to me. While I welcome your support, I have no space for opinions." Since then her words are only supportive.

Yeah a lot of people say stuff without really understanding the impact.

pre op, I only told close family and a couple of friends. And even then, only once it was set in stone. I am pretty open about surgery,in the sense that if people ask reasonable questions, I'll answer. And I made sure to keep those I care most about informed as to what to expect. Not so open that I give them the sense they can give their opinion.

I speak about obesity and treatment as a medical intervention. As Kat said, if it was any other condition, people wouldn't have opinions about it. Like, no one says insulin is the easy way out of diabetes .

You will often see people refer to having scripts ready for situations like this. It's a good idea to have a canned response ready.

You will also have different but similar convos arise at different stages throughout this process. Scripts are helpful for all of them.

By any chance were they morbidly obese? I lost 2 girlfriends because I made them feel ' guilty' huh???

A few yes. I have already lost one due to her not understanding why I just don't lose the weight "naturally" Better off without them!

I had enough of the Negative Nancys at work. Telling me I didn't need the surgery as I wasn't fat enough. Now they are telling me I'm too thin. SMH!

thanks everyone, yes it was on FB. I forget my head sometimes and post without thinking. I am going to keep more details private from some. My family and a hand full of friend are all that'll know the more gritty details.

I have realized that everyone has baggage whether they claim it or not. I'm not going to let it tie me down.

I know you posted this a few days ago, so I'm late to the party.

I don't have a ton of good ideas, but one of the things I'm really glad I did when I was pursuing WLS was to TELL NO ONE. Well, I told the people I had to tell because you know some people shouldn't find out that you're having surgery from a phone call saying, "Oh, Gwen had surgery today and she died." (Yes, this is grim, but that's how my brain works.)

So pre-op I told my partners, my parents, my brother, my three BFFs, and then service providers who needed to know for the service they provided - my voice teacher and my massage therapist. Aside from that? I told no one. And for just the reason you mentioned. Everyone has their judgment and everyone has their "OMG, I KNOW SOMEONE'S FIFTH COUSIN'S ROOMMATE WHO DIED!!!" story. I didn't want to hear it. I made my choice, it's my health and my body, and that was that.

About five months post-op, I told everyone. I.e., I posted it to FB. I was going to be seeing a lot of friends at a conference a month later and a) I didn't want people to worry that I had cancer and b) I know the best way to control gossip is with the truth. At that point, what's done was done, so all I got was total and complete support, enthusiasm, and love. Plus, I'd lost about 80 pounds pre- and post-op, so I had "proof" that it was working and that I wasn't just eating pureed pizza and doritoes.

So, that's my two cents. Sadly, when we put this sort of information into the world, people believe that we're giving them permission to have it be their business as well. You can't take the information you've shared back, but it might be wise to keep it to yourself until post-op. Or, if not to yourself, kept to a close circle of friends who know how to be supportive in the way that you need right now.