Bariatric surgery and relationships, a husband's concerns

My husband and I have always had a very strong, loving, and open relationship. We are one of those couples that can literally say anything and talk it out without offending one or the other for long. He has talked tirelessly through this with me, even as my overly analytical personality has gotten the best of me over & over & over. That being said, I can see where it's made him weary at times like Mahonia and Grim mentioned.

He has always been fit. He's more fit now after my surgery. Like, 10% body fat kind of fit. I find that very attractive (duh!). Our relationship has not weakened or had strain, but it's morphed. The things we do together aren't the same. We hike and we work out and try new fresh foods in small portions. I don't feel like he's leaving me out of a portion of his life anymore. These are all things he has wanted for a very long time.

On the same token, things have changed for us physically. Going to throw out the TMI, so look away if you aren't on board with sex talk. I think always used sex as validation. Kind of like "No matter how much I hate myself, he wants me so something must be okay, right?". Now, I love myself and I don't need outside validation to feel good about myself. So, sex has become something I do for fun, instead of something I do make myself feel less bad and more loved. Strangely, that actually means less sex. My husband doesn't want me any less, so it's been hard for him to understand how I initiate sex less when I feel better about myself.

I don't love him any less, and I don't have any interest to try out the new body elsewhere either.

I actually asked him just now how he thought our relationship had changed. He said we're finding more time to talk and have intellectual conversations. He said we've "bonded" over outdoor physical activity, which he wanted pretty badly prior to my surgery. He says he thinks it has affected our sex life because we both are focusing on other things, and so physically active we're generally tired when in bed.

Thank you everyone for your replies I really appreciate everyone's perspectives.

I am not married but I have a great partner. A few things that he does makes me appreciate him so much more.

1. He is not a food police - if I want to make a choice to eat food that I normally don't, or should not - he let me do it, and then he is there for me when I suffer the consequences. No guilt trips. It is my life- my lessons to learn
2. He is my supporter and "defender" with family and friends gathering. With food pushers. When I said, no thanks, and they try to guilt me or push me to eat things I can't or won't - he often steps in, and in a firm but nice voice tells them that "she said no, she should not eat that". I am a very strong woman and I can tell people to just "fuck off", but having him there on my side - specially when dealing with his friends and his family - is priceless
3. I have some trigger food that I have trouble not to eat when it is at home - so we either don't stock it at home (he eat that out) or if we have- it is out of my sights - somewhere packed, put away, and he takes out just enough to eat when he wants to and put the rest away. Very helpful and respectful.
4. He keeps snacks and glucose tablets in his cars for me. Just in case.
5. Sometimes my gas is so bad that we gag. I learned what caused that and out of respect for him and me - I avoid the foods that cause that. But if it happens regardless - we just laugh it off and I feed him some onions so he can get even with me.
6. Last but not least - I am an attractive lady - there are guys that try to flirt with me - he trust me and does not blame me or gets angry with me for others action. We trust each other. Jealousy can kill best relationship.

I greatly respect Grim and once again his post is excellent advice. Tell your wife to come here instead of you, no offense . We even talk bowel movements and OMG this has to be horrid for spouses. Especially the first year I know I was very self centered . I walked, talked, breathed food and weight . Show her this site and close your ears sometimes ... I know my hubby does :-)

In what I've seen and experienced, the strong marriages are just fine, but if there are any holes, however tiny, they will show themselves as the wls spouse gains confidence. I say this as a person who is 12 years post op and married 27 years.

Things you may see at first is excitement. It will be all she talks about. It will start to get old, but nod and smile just the same. She will be checking her weight every few hours, and may even get anxious if she doesn't see the scale move every time she steps on it. Try to get her to kick that scale under the bed and weigh only on the same day every week at the same time to get a true feel of weight loss minus the variable fluctuations we all encounter through the week.

Her body may not lose symmetrically. Many resemble a burning candle, losing from the top down, or more on the left than the right. Don't say a damned thing aside from "man, I can really SEE it in your face!". She has negative comments swimming in her head about this - never let them come out of your mouth.

As she starts losing her hair about 3-5 months out, talk her into getting a makeover with some short layers and a highlight or color treatment. The layers will blend in the new growth coming in, and the whole experience should boost her mood. She's gotten through recovery by now and has a routine. Celebrate that!

As she is losing weight, she may be wary of letting go of certain clothing items. Encourage her to let go, especially of bras. The one time you are allowed to say something negative is if her bra no longer fits. Take her out to get professionally fitted for new ones regularly as she's losing. Those goodies up front and center are great for confidence. Drooping and gaping, notsomuch. Seek out thrift and consignment stores to change wardrobes without breaking the bank.

Cook together. There isn't anything she eats that you can't. When I was losing, I cooked an extra veggie in place of a starch in our usual 3 course meal, and we all ate the same foods together. Save those "bad foods" to eat when you eat out, so it's not in the house making anyone feel deprived.

Good luck to both of you, and I want to hug you for being thoughtful enough to post out here.

Wow,

Everyone has given you such great advice already I don't have much to add.

Only to say I had a great relationship on the back end and it is even greater now in some areas. For starters, I am 1/2 the size i was almost overnight. I have a new body I don't even recognize and it is fun to see what it can do. That spills over into the intimate department so we feel a bit like teenagers, which is fun and new after being together 11 years. As you can see from the comments everyone has a vastly different experience. It is important to note that while, like many people, I can be very self-critical I am overall pretty pleased with how I look now. Some are not. I have read heart wrenching appallingly negative things people say about their own bodies, extra skin. Things like "I'm disgusting". One woman was worried her two year old would be embarrassed to be seen with her...a 2 year old!!!?? You can see that depression and dysmorphia can occur with some people as well and can make things difficult in a marriage.

I also encourage open communication all the time. Yes I get attention from other men. I really don't care about that...the only man i care about noticing me is my husband...and I told him that. It is all I need, and he listened when I told him that.

A strong marriage with open communication can overcome pretty much anything. WLS is a major change (Like having a kid) and you survived that didn't you?

Losing weight has had no impact whatsoever on how I think or feel about my husband. I am with him because he is my best friend, he makes me laugh, I love him to pieces and genuinely love being with him. There is no one i would rather hang out with. I am not, nor have I ever been with him because I didn't think I could do better. I did not settle.

Most of the problems I have seen in marriages post op have been in marriages that already had problems. Often a partner who is not supportive or even obstructive or checked out of the relationship or even abusive physically, verbally and/or emotionally. It shocks me how many people are with people who belittle them. Once the patient loses weight they gain confidence and self esteem and finally make the decision to be happy in all areas of their lives and move on and out of these dysfunctional situations. I applaud them for that. Life is too short.

My experience as a WLS patient... My husband and i met when I was in my mid 30s and obese. Together, we ate and really our social life was all about food. So, after years together, I became not only morbidly obese, but super morbidly obese with a BMI over 50. I remember heading in to my psych exam, and the conversation that he and I had in the car on the way. He told me that he didn't know if he was going to be able to support me by changing his diet and how he eats. It made me angry and afraid. I cried all through my psych exam, and still passed, lol.

I had weight loss surgery, and my husband has been nothing but supportive. I realize now that his statement to me was because he was afraid. He has food issues, he's obese and has type 2 diabetes and was afraid that he wouldn't be able to make the same changes that I have, and that he would somehow sabotage my diet.

That hasn't happened. I think that because you are here, you are concerned, you have open communication, you will likely be okay. My hubby was honest with me about his fears, and we've kept the communication going, and are stronger than every 2 years and 130 pounds later.