Bariatric surgery and relationships, a husband's concerns

My wife has finially had her date scheduled for her gastric bypass and will begin her journey in the beginning of October. I fully support her decision to get the surgery and will be there for her in what ever capicaty that is needed throughout this life changing experience for her. We have a strong relationship with very open communication and have discussed in detail the procedure, the pros and cons of the surgery, the mential and physical impact it will have, as well as the impact that it will have on our marriage.

It's the last point that really scares me as the spouse of a bariatric patient. This is her journey and I'm excited for her. This is a huge life changing decision that she has not come to easily and has been considering for many years. With that said it terrifies me what the long term impact that this transformation will have on us. As she transforms into a new person physically and mentally will she still have an interest in being with me?

Even though it does not involve surgery I will be going through my own transformation also. I use to be very fit and active however over the last 15 years I have put on a significant amount of weight myself. I have started my own process of eating cleaner and trying to cut out the after work take out and fried food and to date have been successful. I feel better about myself and my energy levels have already significantly improved. Initially I was motivated by what my wife is about to go through. However I have very quickly come to realize that my wife's upcoming surgery may have been the catalyst for me. The reality is I'm doing this because I want to live a long time. I want to be around to see my 2 year old son grow up, get married and maybe even start a family of his own.

My wife is not a shallow or superficial person she has always been very caring and supportive. However as the layers of her onion are peeled back and the new her emerges will I still be desirable and good enough for her? Basically I guess what I'm trying to ask here is for those of you who have been through this what impact did it have on your relationship with your significant other? And if your relationship did survive what steps did you take over the years to ensure that it would?

Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated and best of luck to everyone as you go through your own physical transformations.

I can't predict what will happen with your situation, but I see several things that bode well:

"We have a strong relationship with very open communication and have discussed in detail the procedure, the pros and cons of the surgery, the mential and physical impact it will have, as well as the impact that it will have on our marriage."

You'd be amazed how many couples don't have this kind of deep discussion, EVER.

"This is her journey and I'm excited for her."

You recognize that this is about her and her journey/transformation and your interest is in how you can support her. This is huge. I've been married 3x, and the first 2 would have made it all about them. My current hubby is a lot like you sound, and he's been a HUGE support in this for me.

"I have started my own process of eating cleaner and trying to cut out the after work take out and fried food and to date have been successful. I feel better about myself and my energy levels have already significantly improved."

I've seen many instances here and on other boards where one spouse has surgery and gets fitter and more active, and the other spouse doesn't... it usually does not end well. Even though you're not having surgery, that you are committed to getting healthy alongside her process is GREAT. You may not have the same eating plans, but both of you going the same way is a huge deal.

"Basically I guess what I'm trying to ask here is for those of you who have been through this what impact did it have on your relationship with your significant other? And if your relationship did survive what steps did you take over the years to ensure that it would?"

It has been awesome in my relationship. I have an auto-immune disease that was limiting me from a lot of activities my hubby would have liked to do. It was really cutting into my ability to live my life with him. I decided to have the surgery to try and improve my quality of life. He was supportive when I was sick and couldn't do much, but as my health has improved post-op we now do so many more things together. We also have a good relationship with deep meaningful conversations about where we are, where we're going, how we each are feeling, etc. We've had some adjustments around food - he'd like to have junk food in the house, and I have a really hard time staying away from it if it's convenient. So he can have it whenever he wants, but he only brings home what he will eat in a sitting, or we go out and he gets what he wants while out... it doesn't stay in the house. The other thing is he's a clean plate person, but after surgery he felt compelled to clean my plate as well, and he gained about 10# in the process. So he's having to learn to stop when he's full like I do. LOL. I can tell you that his support through all of it pre- and post-op just makes him that much more attractive to me.

But here's a question for you - what makes you question your worthiness to her as she improves her life, but not question her feelings of being worthy of you as you improve yours? That's not to imply an issue, just to point out that she may be having some of the same thoughts as you get healthier and fitter.

Generally, I believe that when people love each other, honestly put the other person's needs as equal to their own (not above because I think that's dangerous in another way), they have deep and meaningful conversations and open communication, and their lives are generally moving on the same trajectory - they have successful relationships regardless of the challenges they meet. For me, it's knowing my partner is truly on my side, we're on the same team. My other marriages were more of a struggle between us indivdiually than a struggle of us vs. our challenges. So challenges pulled us apart, and the relationships were rocky in many ways.

To me, it sounds like you're on the right path. But of course, I'm not an expert or counselor or anything... just someone who's been through the wringer a few times. :D

That's a very fair question and one she has brought up as well. It's something she does worry about to a degree. She also worries that if I will still find her attractive after she loses all that weight. The truth is I love and respect her so much for the woman that she is. She is more then any man deserves and It doesn't matter if she's thick, thin or whatever, I love her for who she is and she knows this. She feels the same towards me. It's just such a quick and dramatic change that as the significant other it creates worry. Then compound that with all that you read about failed relationships after surgery (even on these forms) that it makes you worry even more.

I have a loving and warm relationship with my husband and the relationship hasn't changed in any way since surgery. I have noticed that as I get smaller he is being less supportive - he thinks I don't have any more weight to lose and that it's unhealthy to continue to think about weight. He is sick of me talking about food and my body. I understand and try to just stick with my plan without talking about it much but it's a bummer that he feels that way.

All spouses reach that point somewhere in the first year. We are very repetitive. That's why it's good to talk about it here. We never tire of the talk.

Spouse of a WLS patient here too! My husband had surgery in May. Like you, we have very open communication and as long as we talk through our fears and concerns, things are going well. I also wanted to improve my health. I'm a type 2 diabetic and MO myself. My biggest fear was that he would leave me behind--not LEAVE me per se, but that he'd eventually be able to live a more active life that I wouldn't be healthy enough to participate in. Seeing how well he has been doing was what decided me to start going through the steps to get approval for surgery myself. Surgery may not be what you want, but I think wanting to be healthier will be great for her recovery, and going through this with her will impact your own health.

I'm excited about looking toward a healthier future, about all the things we can do together that we maybe couldn't do before. Keep that in the front of your mind :) and keep being open and talking about everything.

I'm not really sure that was worded well--I wasn't indicating that you also should have surgery to "go through it with her." Just that if you're both working on your health together, you can keep on the same page.

I need more coffee.

generally speaking, strong relationships remain strong and struggling relationships often don't survive.

if there is a lot of co-dependency,eating buddies, etc and this ha*****anges for one, often the other feels left out and like they have lost a " friend".

sexually speaking, it is harder to say. Sometimes the one loosing weight becomes very appearance oriented and begins to desire something else in a partner.

This doesn't always happen. My doh was thrilled with my transformation from but he also desired me no matter my weight or looks. His level of desire hasn't changed, but I think he likes what he sees better now as do I like what l look like way better now.

Continue to be open with each other and maybe WLS will be in your future as well st some point. Hopefully you will come through on the other side together.

Mahonia makes a great point for all relationships after WLS -- friends, relatives, significant others, spouses -- everyone.

To be successful at this, we need to live, sleep, eat and talk about this stuff. All the time. Food, recipes, protein drinks, exercise, etc. etc. People get sick of it. And, they start to tell us we are getting too skinny. Way before we are actually skinny.

So be prepared for that. You will likely be sick of hearing about it. I tell other members here to pour their hearts out about it to us, and to stop telling "normies" about it, before you push them away.

My husband was fit when I met him. He put on weight etc over time- as his life transitioned into 'married with children'. I was always obese. That tid bit alone left me feeling like he never truly understood how obesity impacts your life. So in my head- even if we were both in the obese range- he never understood MY obesity. I didn't resent him for it- but I didn't share my struggles, hopes, etc. Weight was the elephant in the room in our relationship. I decided to have surgery, he supported the idea.

Weight remains the elephant in the room for us now. He does not acknowledge my weight loss is any way. I'll admit that it hurts, if not the weight loss- a kudos for the tireless effort this takes would be nice. But nothing. I've built my support network independent of him. My feelings for him are unchanged. What going through this process has done- is shift my focus away from weight and more on health. I don't care what he weighs, if I knew he is healthy. he's not. That makes me a little Angry and a little sad that he can't/won't invest in himself to improve his health. I've been there- so I get it-- but there is SOOO much more on the line now. I try to do what I would have wanted him to do for me- ever so subtly. Sometimes he bites, sometimes he doesn't.

My advice- let your wife lead this journey. What you are doing is worlds different than what she is about to embark on. Voice your support, pride, concern, worry, etc- then step back and let her process how to move forward. She made this choice and must be responsible for ensuring it adds value for her life.

All the best.