Birthday Frustrations

This sounds like it's more about them than you. If they bring a cake, let them eat it and take it with them or throw it in the trash. The firmer you stand, the less likely they are to do it again.

Don't worry about upsetting them, this is very selfish of them!

I didn't note where in the country you're from, but here in the South food is a way of showing love and concern for someone.

I have found that suggesting something that I can eat that they could fix or bring me in place of a cake does the trick when a simple 'no' doesn't. Either in lieu of the cake, or they still get the cake for everyone else, but bring me something that works with my eating plan for me to have instead.

Especially in an office situation, it's more about THEY want cake than they want YOU to have cake... :)

For instance, I adore a good bananna bread. Or a zucchini-pineapple bread. I don't do low-carb so that's an option for me that's certainly healthier than cake, and I can plan for the calorie hit. A friend of mine adores strawberries, and we get her a small pack of those huge strawberries dipped in dark chocolate. Or we'll get her a strawberry dessert thing with a thin pie-type crust and whipped cream (one that's not saturated in corn syrup or whatever sugar monstrosity people put in their strawberries at times). If she doesn't want the crust, she can still eat the filling. (I know most of these are still higher carb options, but no one I know is doing low carb...)

There's tons of other options that can make it a celebration without killing your eating plan. If someone is a baker/chef, and cakes and such are their way of showing love, they often welcome a challenge for something new. And frankly if they're buying a store-made cake, most of them are DEFINITELY not worth the calories.

Or let them have the cake and then throw the remains out after.

I live in Missouri, so the midwest pretty much. I know they are definitely showing their love for me with food, but the people being so pushy are pushy about many many things. I can appreciate that they want to do something nice. I liked Donna's advice about having a script and just sticking to it, maybe if I say the same thing constantly they'll finally get it, or maybe I need to be brave enough to just throw it away immediately in front of them if they really don't care about my wishes. Of course, if this were a big office setting I would let them bring anything they want and they can have it, but I am more upset because it's things they want to bring into my home. Maybe I can convince them to bring me a nice meat and cheese tray, those last me forever.

The best line I've heard is one that someone on OH once said: It's not that I can't eat it, I just choose NOT to eat it. Why would you let other people push you into doing something you don't want to do? If THEY want to buy and eat the cake, fine. Doesn't mean you have to.

My friends now bring me a steak instead, which I gladly accept on birthdays. Last year they stuck a candle in it and lit it, lol.

Food is the great social force that unifies us, and so people will bring birthday cakes for two reasons: 1) for the birthday person as a sign of appreciation, and 2) so they (selfishly, I may add) get to eat cake because they know we won't have a cake.

When they are bringing cake for themselves, I let them have it and throw it away or make them take it with them, after, and am quite honest about my motives. Some were offended or even asked for it back two days later (.........) to eat themselves, long after a neighbor gladly took it off my hands. They were mad I had given it away! (Who the heck asks for food back that you bring to a party anyway?! Jeeze.)

Then, for people *****fuse to respect my wishes (I have Celiac disease, a wheat allergy, AND I can't eat freaking cake FFS), I have no sympathy. Zero freaks are given at this stage. I refuse to compromise on my health to spare someone feel-good vibes. I immediately tell them to keep it in the car if they aren't going to eat it because I will throw it away if they don't. The people who disbelieve are quickly proven to be incorrect as I march out to the dumpster and toss it.

I'm a big fan of scripts for manipulators. This is the one I use: "Thank you. I'm unable to eat this for medical reasons. Would you mind putting it in your car so you can enjoy it and it doesn't go to waste? If not I have to toss it."

Also, it is worth noting that people who don't take "I don't eat that" for the truth tend to have poor boundaries, and I am willing to bet there are numerous other transgressions you deal with. Show them clearly no means no, and follow the other suggestions (leave it in the car, toss it) and do so in front of them. When they ask, say you'd prefer steak.

With these types of people you must be steadfast and be a broken record. Ever try to train a child? You just repeat yourself over and over. Do not give up or withdraw. Remain polite unless they get obnoxious.

By the time I had WLS I was done with my 2nd job as everyone's doormat. I refuse to compromise on my health or my principals.

One time at work, someone left a huge slice of cake on my desk after I said no. This was two weeks after surgery. WTF, people. And they knew I had surgery, knew I was on a liquid diet, and didn't care. "Oh, it can't possibly hurt!" I put it on their desk, thanking them. They brought it back. At that point, I just chucked it across the room into the garbage. They started...crying? And no, it wasn't their cake.

People are freaking weird, sometimes, about food.

I think a script would be perfect. I'm honestly not great at thinking on my feet. While I've said no a dozen times, I feel like when I'm being accosted with food all the time I really struggle with what to say and I'm very much worried about coming off as mean. I know that's just feelings from before surgery and before therapy where I thought letting people walk all over me was the only way they would like me.

You are one of a handful of people on these boards that I always love hearing advice and experiences from. Thank you for sharing your difficulties with people and their inability to understand that their cake isn't wanted! You're right about the boundary thing, these are the same people that I've struggled with for more than just food related reasons.

I appreciate it. I only know because I've gone through similar (and worse), and had to learn to stand up for myself. Not in a cruel or mean way, just in an average way. Captain Awkward's blog helped a lot. She gets most of the credit...and my counselor :)

Scripts with people like that are, seriously, life savers. And just repeat them. I admit I take a perverse pleasure in seeing them go utterly batty.

Also, mean is what they are doing to you. Mean is, "just a bite won't hurt," or "but WHY aren't you having a cake? I WOULD LOVE to bring you one!" Mean is not caring about your health.

You can be firm and polite and still advocate for yourself.

When people think you're mean for having appropriate boundaries, that should tell you all that you need about them. Run the other way if you can.

they need to understand no means no!!! but you can also suggest, hey I appreciate cake but I can not eat it, maybe instead you can get me a star fruit (or a yummy treat that you do want). its wonderful they remember your birthday, but they also need to remember your wishes!

It is not always easy to put people in their places when we have been so passive before surgery. I know this is true for me.

Don't pretend to make others happy. They are not children.

Say I don't eat stuff like that anymore. Doesn't mean you can't ever again. But if they start pushing food on you and you want them to feel better you will end up miserable and saying Eff it and eating it.

So many will say you need to treat yourself once in a while. Or you can have a a cheat day. I say maybe with a pair of shoes. Or a new piece of clothing.

Peer pressure sucks. I feel misery loves company. I know this is not about alcohol. But when people would ask my I do not drink I would say because of my surgery.

Well now I say and leave it at this. I do not drink. Not being a ***** but not justifying myself to anyone.

We have to be our own cheerleaders and need to not worry how others will feel. When you will be the one hurting yourself in the end.

Not eating cake is not the end of the world. It is okay to throw food in the garbage. I tell myself I am not a human garbage can.

We are worth it and we deserve to be happy and feel good about ourselves. We have to do this for us.

Unlike your strong will, I love cake, and consider my birthday to be a reduced calorie day....because...me. Anyway, things I've done to keep myself in line are cupcakes at work. I can enjoy a cupcake...one cupcake. For some reason, people don't mind taking a cupcake or two home instead of splitting up a cake. Strange, but true. Also cookies. Enjoy one or two, and send the rest elsewhere.

Another thing I've done at work is suggest a carry-in of my favorite food genre. My genre was meat and cheese, no particular ethnic flavor preference. That caught on like wildfire, and we started doing it for everyone's birthday. Another idea is to ask to be taken for lunch or dinner instead of a cake.