Fear and self loathing

A lot of my weight is from the past. Family rejection and other ordeals take up a lot of that.

Where to start? I am bi-polar and have the clearance from that area to get surgery. I have been holding steady on my meds and i'm doing pretty well. I also have severe social anxiety but I am always working on improving that as well. I say all that because I have a lot of fears, most don't make sense. My biggest fear is that I don't know what i'll look like "skinny". May sound silly to some but I haven't been "skinny" since I was a child. I'm also most fearful that I won't be able to be the aunt my nieces and nephew deserve. I want them to be loved and know how much I love them. I didn't have my aunts very present so I know they need me. I want to play what they want to without panting. They deserve what my brother and me didn't get. In finally making the move to get WLS I am letting that fear out weigh the negative fears. It is hard but I am doing it.

Self loathing...

I know most of this know this nasty little emotion. 4-6 years ago I hated myself so much I can't describe. I have fought...very very hard to get out of that hole. I am at a place now where I can say that I have love for myself. I can also say that I like the jewelry(chainmaille) I make and design. Some things I love!! It sounds silly to some but it was so hard for me. While I have moments of self hate I am in a pretty good place.

I am finally in a place where people and the opinions they have of who they deem me to be don't matter like they used to. I am taking control of my own life.

I go to my first class next tuesday and I am so excited! I wanted to thank you all who post here. I have been reading it a lot and it gives me even more hope for a future I deserve to be happy in.

Heya. I understand the fear of not knowing what I'll look like skinny. I currently weigh 30 pounds less than I've ever weighed in my memory and it's very... strange. I did go through a period where I felt extremely disconnected from my body, but therapy and time both helped me with that.

It is quite the emotional roller coaster. I hope that you find it as positive an experience as I have.

Melanie, addressing all those thing at once will make anyone crazy. My weight loss "journey" has been a one day at a time thing... hell, sometimes it's been a one hour at a time thing.

Over all my moods have been more stable as I have lost weight.

I never had the fear of what I would look like skinny. I mean, I would look at myself in the mirror, morbidly obese,and I would know "skinny " could not possibly be any worse.

And skinny isn't worse. It is better in every way, most importantly, in my health.

You are doing a great thing for yourself, maybe the best thing you will ever do for yourself and for your nieces and nephews. You are most probably improving the odds that you will be around for them much longer than you might without wls.

Melody, I also grew up with a great deal of rejection, am bipolar, and had no real sense of self. Firstly, I am so glad you have a medication that works. That is challenge #1. Expressing yourself creatively is a superb way to develop self-esteem.

One exercise that helped me was to list my positive qualities and to meditate on them, embrace them, and identify with them. You know that is not always easy as we don't always see our positive qualities.
Later, I also listed negative characteristics and developed strategies for addressing them. For example, I was always defensive with people because I expected the worst from them. That behavior became problematic when I began my career. I just became mindful of that and began to work at NOT expecting negativity from people (outside of my family). Encounter by encounter, I learned to drop defenses and bring positive energy to interactions. Then I began doing that with my family.
That is just an example---not saying this is an issue for you.

I am SO rooting for you. I know this road you travel. We all travel it differently, and you are off to a really good start. Keep at it, one day, one encounter at a time. Keep posting and interacting here.

Thank you so much for the replies!

the fear I have had is slowly fading away. I have for once the right mindset for this. I love myself more than I think I ever have as an adult. It's not perfect but I'm never going to give up! I am worthy of being happy!

i am so thankful to the friend that suggested this site, it has been a wealth of information and inspiration for me!

I completely understand your fear of being skinny. Really, it's not a fear of being skinny, but rather a fear of the unknown which is very common, it just manifests in different ways.

My mom says I have been overweight since I was about four. I remember being 13, on a diet, losing 30 pounds and getting down to 230 at the time. I keep thinking, what kind of weight trajectory was I on to be at 260 when I was 12-13. I had no idea what my body would look like, how it would feel to move, and how it would impact who I was. Thankfully the weight-loss happens gradually enough -- as in you don't go from obese to skinny overnight :) so you have time to work through the changes.

Also, it takes time for your brain to catch up with some of the changes. You'll catch your reflection somewhere and not realize it's you, or compare before and after pictures and not realize there was such a big change :)

May you find joy and happiness in the changes that await you.

None of us likes the feeling of change-- even good change is stressful. You are wise to examine these feelings instead of letting them sneak up on you.

I have a feeling, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Thank you! I really love the fact that people are real here. No sugar coating so to speak.

i know this won't be easy and it's refreshing to have found a place like this!