Kathy S WLS Journey - Work And My Surgery.

Work And My Surgery.

August 21, 2004

Well I met with my boss and she signed my approval letter. Met with HR and filled out a few forms and got the information I need to call into Met Life for my STD. I need to call them on Monday. After that I think I have all the bases covered. I have gotten pre-approval for the hospital, surgeon, and doctors. I have given noticed at work. I have asked that no one be told what I am having done. Just don't want to deal with all the questions at this point. I don't even know if I am going to tell them after I go back. I would feel like everyone would be watching what I eat and if I was losing weight.

I will be working Monday, Tuesday and Weds will be my last day at work. I will be returning November 1, 2004. Seems like a long time away, but I just keep thinking where will I be at that time? Will I have lost enough weight that it will be noticeable? So many times when we are so overweight it takes a ton of lbs to be gone before anyone even notices.

Called my PCP today about my meds. She advised to take my BP pill the night before and to not take any diabetes meds. She asked they monitor it at the hospital and if it gets over 150 to give insulin shots. Makes sense to me. I also need to call Walgreen?s to see if my meds come in liquid form. I hope I will not have to take any meds when this is done. I thought it was sweet as she asked my husband to call her. She is in the burbs where we live and Northwestern is downtown Chicago. She is not affiliated with NWU.

Well, I must say this waiting is real torture. I just want to get it over with. I have done everything and made decisions based on wanting this done LAP and for some reason I can't shake the feeling I am going to wake up having it done open. Oh well...


I have read and researched this to death and it really appears there are two groups in this adventure. One group appears to do fine and not have any complications and the other group seems to have one complication after the other. I pray I am one of the lucky ones.

Well, I am going to go out and enjoy this day. It's sunny and wonderful. I will post again before surgery day. YIKES!

Updated thoughts - please note what I highlighted in red. I think we are the best at knowing what is going to happen. You know that gut feeling. The second thing I want to share was my paranoia about telling everyone. At the time I was not sure why I felt so strongly about not telling anyone. I now know why! It was the FEAR of failure. Living your life with one failure after another why would you think this would work? I had no faith in me or this surgery, not really. But had that little hope just maybe, just maybe. So grateful I did!

Did you end up with open surgery after all?

Very cool that you're posting these journal entries. I tried to look for your blog but couldn't find it.

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for letting me know you are finding value in them. I was looking for a couple of blog posts of mine that someone asked for. One was the night before surgery. Love that one. Anyway I thought maybe it would help to see something so long ago and yet still applies today. Doing the update notes I was hoping would help.

Thanks again for letting me know. My blog if for friends only. I thought we were friends, let me send you an invite

I was right we are friends? Hmmmmm, try this link.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/members/219437/blog/

It worked; thank you!

Your point about not telling anyone due to fear of failure really hits home. When I had the band installed in 2007, I ended up telling those close to me for various reasons, mostly because they asked about my eating so little or inability to eat at times. I had every confidence that the band would help me finally reduce to my "normal" weight. The band, of course, did fail me, though I was able to lose over 100 pounds. But not reaching goal weight and not dropping below 200 was an extremely disappointing failure for me.

This time, going in for a revision to RNY, I instructed my husband to tell no one. He is the only one who knows. I do believe that I also fear this will fail, just as EVERY attempt, EVERY diet has ultimately failed. Nearly 12 weeks out from surgery and 41 pounds down, I am still not to a place where I am comfortable admitting to anyone that I had this surgery. The loss is slow, and no one can even see a difference yet, so I haven't had to field any questions. I figure that around the holidays, I'm going to have to address it.

Mostly, I have come to accept that the general population does not in the least comprehend what those of us who gain weight so easily really go through. All of my life (from infancy---yes, seriously, it is written in my baby book) I have been called lazy and unmotivated, accused of lacking willpower. Being overweight is a character flaw, and losing is as simple as calories in being fewer than calories burned. That is how the majority of people perceive the issue, and I am too old and tired to work at educating them anymore. Just as strong as my fear of failure---because this truly is my LAST hope---is my utter lack of desire to discuss the topic with anyone who doesn't "get it."

Thanks to reading your post this morning, and processing here in my response, I am going to meditate on this fear of failure which surges electric anytime I step on the scale and it does not reply with a lower number, or anytime I see a recent picture and I still look far too fat. Each day I wake and resolve to succeed. I can't imagine the despair if I did not have this tool to give me hope. I am grateful for this support group and the stories people share. Namaste.

What a touching story....thanks for sharing. What I find interesting now is I didn't realize it was fear until years later. Sometimes fear can be a good thing. I know during my weight loss time frame I never once ate one bite of anything not on the plan. I feared if I did I would once again fall into the old merry go round of eating and gaining again. Bread is a big trigger for me and didn't take a bite for 18 month after hitting goal.

It pains me you have the band failure on top of everything else. I don't know if this will help but I have been on these boards for 15 years and trust me this one is not YOUR FAILURE it's the bands. Yes, there are those that have lost on the band but they are far and few. Don't look back my friend unless you are headed there.

I too am older and just don't have time for all the "stuff". Take it one day at a time and you can always contact me if you want someone to talk to.

Hugs,

Kathy

I do know that it was the band that failed; however, I did not make the most of it when it was working. I had that mentality that the band would do most of the work for me, even though I did exercise until my knee completely gave out. I did lose a significant amount of my excess weight and was so close to goal when the band just quit on me and then got infected. It was actually FEAR of gaining all that weight back that motivated me into the revision surgery process. And now it is FEAR of failing that keeps me on track. Mentally, emotionally, and in all other ways, I'm in a better space than when I had the band installed. I'm wiser, more educated, and more committed now. I truly understand this is my lifestyle now until the end. And for all of those reasons, the fear is more intense. You know what they say: Ignorance is bliss. When you really comprehend all of the variables, there is more to fear! I will say that I have FAR better support this time around than I did before. This has been a tremendous boost. Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate the support immensely.

Even though you know it was not you that failed it was your tool. I am so glad you let that exercise empower you to go on and become stronger for it. Some would have fallen into that here I go again why bother cycle.

Congratulations on taking your health and life back