How to deal with people who won't shut up.

(Okay, admit it, you read the topic and thought, "But Gwen, you never shut up!")

I need advice.

At my local farmers market there is a vendor. I like her well enough and I've enjoyed buying the things she makes over the years. I'm a bad judge of size in other people, but I assume she's in the obese range (which is relevant to this post). Last summer her regular helper was out of state for most of the market season, so I offered to help her out during her market hours. It was good (I like interacting with customers) and bad (she's a total Eeyore personality), so I was relieved when my commitment was finished! But during that time I found out that she'd had WLS at some point in her life and lost a bunch of weight to the point where she'd also had plastic surgery.

Short version: vendor, obese, has had WLS and some post-WL plastics.

Her helper happens to be her mom. They've been at the farmers market since before my WLS and it's a small market, and I'm friendly, so they know I've lost a lot of weight. Her mom ALWAYS comments on my body. ALWAYS. First it was just the "you're looking great" and I'd reply with "thanks" and a subject change. Then it turned into the "how are you doing it?" and I replied with my standard "diet, exercise, and weight loss surgery." (I have ALWAYS been 100% clear that WLS is a part of my weight loss.) Then it turned into "you're looking so slim and it's so great that you're losing weight the RIGHT way." Plus comments about how I must eat healthy and exercise. It was like she'd forget every week that I had also had surgery. So I would ALWAYS add "and I had surgery! Thanks." And change the subject. At this point I didn't know that her daughter, the vendor, had done WLS, lost weight, had plastics, and regained.

All of this was pre-2016.

In 2016 mom was gone for most of the summer and I helped the vendor out. Then mom returned and I think that was when I found out about the vendor's surgical history - from her mom, of course... because clearly this mom is like that. "Oh, well daughter had surgery." And suddenly I was totally aghast. So all this time she's been lauding my weight loss, and doing it the "right way," IN HER DAUGHTER'S presence? When her daughter has had WLS?! UGH. How ****ty is that? But then the 2016 season ended and I went about my life.

Now it's the 2017 market season. The market is even smaller (sigh) but this vendor and her mom are still there. I missed the first few weeks of the market season due to being out of town, but went back the weekend before plastics. The mom IMMEDIATELY started talking about my body. "Oh you're looking so wonderful, I'm going to start calling you Skinny, still eating right and exercising, etc, etc, etc." Every statement she made I tried to change the subject. I've had some BIG stuff happen in my life since I saw her last! Like I freaking graduated from college, yo! But she insisted on bringing the subject back to my body every single time. She got sidetracked briefly to comment on m partner's body - he's been working on his posture a lot which has the side benefit of making him look a lot more buff. :) But then it was back to my body. Of course all in the presence of her daughter.

And now I just feel stuck. I sort of wanted to go to the market last week, since it is a social thing for me as well as a way to get local produce, but I ended up not. Part of the reason I didn't go is because I'm not actually cooking at the moment due to plastics recovery but, the main reason was really because I didn't want to deal with the mom's comments. Especially because I'm wearing surgical compression garments and while most people probably have no idea what these garments are, the mom might because her daughter had plastic surgery.

It's a very small market, there are fewer than 10 vendors. It'd be impossible to go and avoid this vendor all together. I occasionally want to buy what the vendor sells and, even though I wouldn't want to work for her for another season, I do like the vendor and would like to be able to say hi to her even if I'm not buying anything from her on a given week. If the vendor and I had a closer relationship, I'd consider bringing this up with her and letting her deal with it with her mom... but we don't have that sort of relationship.

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this. I feel like all of my attempts at redirection have failed. I'm not 100% ready to start saying, "Hey, the body comments are making me uncomfortable, could we walk about something else?" every time she starts up. Is that what I should be doing now though?

Once I am cooking again I really want to be able to go to the market every week to get my tomato fix... but I feel like I'm in total avoidance mode right now because of this woman who will NOT shut up about my body. ARGH.

Thanks for reading this and thanks for any suggestions you can give me.

I think you've answered your own question. You've had a multi-year relationship with these people, I think a little frank honesty is totally appropriate, especially considering how uncomfortable it's making you - to the point of avoiding something you enjoy so much.

Argh, yes. As soon as I typed "I'm not 100% ready to...." I realized, "crap, that's really exactly what you need to do."

And that's the advice I'd give someone else in my predicament. It's just so much easier said than done :/

Make a list...send your partner to purchase. Just a thought :-)

But that would mean I'd miss out on going to the market myself, and it's something I enjoy. So I need to figure out a way to handle this without giving up something I like doing!

I hate to say this. It may sound mean. But this is her daughters problem. I know she is not being nice to her daughter.

You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable with your body. And to justify how you lost the weight. You have worked very hard.

It is like me with being an alcoholic. I see people all the time that need help. If they don't want it. I can't change anything.

I know we need to stand up for each other. This woman won't have a light bulb moment if you say something to her. I am sure she has been treating her daughter this way all through life.

Is it right ? No it is not.

Yeah, that's part of the thing that bugs me. The mom's comments all just seem so passive aggressive so it's awkward for me and I'm sure it's not awesome for the daughter either. Argh. Or her daughter has learned to just tune it out at this point :P

Mothers can suck the life out of us. Also to maybe her daughter will get some inspiration from you and maybe reach out.

It's just like an alcoholic if they want help they will get it.

I think you've been as nice as possible, and all the signals are flying past unheeded. Even though it might be momentarily uncomfortable, it's time to tell her that your weight/appearance/physical condition is not a suitable topic for conversation.

Clueless woman: You are really skinny. You must eat like a mouse.

You: Stop talking about my appearance. I don't like it at all, and it's none of your concern.

Then turn and walk away.

I totally agree! I really feel for the daughter in this situation. She took a big step to change her life and it didn't work out and there's her mom, constantly reminding her of other people who've done the same thing and had the success she failed at. That's straight up emotional abuse right there.

Make sure in no uncertain terms that talk about your appearance will no longer be tolerated as well as any comparisons to her daughter--both are utterly sucky and inappropriate. (Inappropes! sez Pam) I totally understand wanting to avoid confrontation, but this woman is completely destroying your enjoyment of something that you have every right to enjoy and you have every right to speak up about it. By driving you away, she's only making the already-dwindling market lose another customer and she's actually causing her daughter financial hardship by making you avoid either the entire market or her daughter's booth.

If you're not comfortable saying something in front of God and country, I think it would be appropriate to have a conversation with her in a more private area and if it would feel better for you to have of your partner there, do that too!

So often we try to make nice and not offend people. I'm guilty of the same thing, but if someone were to talk like that to a good friend of mine, watch out! :D Let us know how it goes.

Jen