When friends and family try to change your mind about surgery

I told everyone about surgery because I've learned that if someone is negative, they will nay say anything. Surgery is just convenient to focus on. Heck, look at this week's edition of Which Surgery Is The Best on any WLS forum :P

Life has also taught me that it's harder to do and say. It's harder to be compassionate than to talk about doing it. It's harder to live with honor and nobility than to talk about how justice is necessary. It's easy to arm chair diagnose and treat obesity, but the truth is that obesity occurs for many reasons.

Even if it is behavioral, often surgery has the fastest resolution coupled with the best result.

People may try to talk people out of many things. This is why, in the end, we are all our own best advocates. We've known this, we all have. Hell, thousands of years ago, it was even engraved in the temple to Apollo at Delphi - "know thyself."

If we know ourselves, and we trust ourselves, the truth is that what people throw on us doesn't stick as easily. It still hurts, sure, but it doesn't sink in as much. The problem is, over time, it sinks in.

Part of why I have made friends here of all weight loss surgeries is because of the frank honesty. I dislike being patronized or my feelings coddled. Respect is shown in truthful honesty. I also need people to challenge my own cognitive dissonance. I don't listen to anyone blindly, however I also know I have my own thought distortions I cling to. Speaking to people here keeps me accountable and true to my purpose.

It's the well-meaning yet condescending people I don't tolerate, who exhibit caring via passive aggression and projection. I handle this by hanging up on them and by not allowing myself to be bullied. Life is too short to carry around other people's baggage. Since I am still fat, I have more than enough to carry around without theirs, thank you very much. :P

When we are adults, being bullied becomes a choice after a point. I have been bullied at work, at college, in public, by family. It lasts all of ten seconds. I have absolutely zero problems in shutting that down. Again, I did allow such for many years, so I learned the hard way! However, for WLS, I just... don't care?

As a client, and as a therapist, I see both sides of the chair. In the end, we can't control other people's baggage. What we can control is how we react to it. This is something that is always in our control once we train our mind out of its bad habits.

WLS is liberating for me because I don't take crap any more. The past two weeks have been overwhelming for me, and without WLS and my OH peeps I would not have gotten through nearly as well. They have reminded me how and why to be strong, and so family being Debbie Downers is like, small potatoes. And we don't eat potatoes after WLS right >.>

Edited to add an afterthought: I make no claims that I'm good at doing the above! I only always try to do it!

Good for you, Nikke, for taking care of your health. Keep doing that.

No one tried to talk me out of surgery but some did love to tell me stories of people who gained back their weight or died from complications. I would nod and smile as they told these stories and when they realized I really was not paying attention, they stopped

No one discouraged me from having weight loss surgery (I was sleeved) because, with one exception, I didn't tell anyone. That one exception was my dear husband who has always supported me. "Whatever you think you need to do, honey," he said. "Just tell me how I can help."

For nearly a year pre-op, I did tons of research and frequented online WLS message boards. Based on that input, I realized there was zero upside to inviting input from relatives or friends who knew f**k-all about WLS. Nor could I suss out any reason why any of them had a legitimate need to know about my having had WLS.

My approach has resulted in no judgment, no discouragement, no negativity, no second-guessing, no bizarre advice, no weirdness.

It's worked out great for me.

I didn't have anyone try to talk me out of it. I have several friends who lost friends or family members in ways that were attributed to WLS (mostly inappropriately, or at least indirectly) who expressed concern but supported my decision. All of my friends and family knew I had done my research and when I've done my research they'd better bring better research to the table if they want to change my mind (doesn't happen often). So they either support me or shut up about it. My parents had some inane worries like how I would be able to socialize with the family at potlucks and eating out, so I addressed those because my parents get a little slack. LOL.

I also had blogged most of my reasons, so people in my circles already knew my mind was made up, and my reasoning, so it headed off a lot of negative discussions.

Most of my family knew when I had my lap band 7 years ago. My original plan was RNY. After the seminar I went with the bad. I was a lightweight and that was my surgeons WLS of choice and recommended for me. I found out after surgery that my mom was relieved that I didn't have the bypass and went with the less invasive procedure. Fast forward to today. I have had issues with the band from the get go. Either so tight I can eat nothing or so loose I can eat whatever I want. My band has been completely empty for over 2 years and I continue to have the problems. I have just started the process of revision to VSG. My mom knows that I plan to have the band removed but does not know about the sleeve. the only person that knows is my DH. I haven't even told my kids. My boss and coworkers also know I plan to have the band removed but not the revision. I do not plan to tell anyone about the revision. It's really none of their business. We will see how I feel post op.

You went into this with the right mindset and complete confidence. Those are keys to success!

I was an open book about my intentions. For me, I considered keeping my life simpler by not having to remember who knew my secret or not (I'm not into secrets, and some like it and some don't like what I disclose). I faced a few oppositions, but I've got a stubborn will once I make up my mind, and those opposing my plans knew that I'm not one to budge. What did surprise me was the overwhelming support at home and at work.

Great story, thanks for sharing. I wish that other people would have that kind of mind set. I know it's hard to ignore nay-sayers but when it's your health it's so important.

My mom an husband both have this mindset where they think I have surgery at the drop of a hat because I've had a lot of surgeries - all medically necessary. But for me, I'm like doesn't that go to show you that surgery doesn't have to be terrifying? it's possible to be have surgery and be fine. I know it's scary but I'm proof that there are good outcomes.

I do a lot of medical research before I come to a decision and once I make up my mind I'm sold. So I made up my mind about the RNY and although my mom thought I was insane I never wavered. DH was more on board, but still scared. He trusted my research.

I now have people who consider surgery who ask me about it and I always tell them the bad and good and tell them to do their own research online - I think that's so important! Getting second hand or third or fourth hand stories that aren't accurate dives me insane.

My own mother, as well, was my biggest "nay-sayer"... I sent her all the information to inform her that WLS was my best and final option to lead a healthier life. I was 24 and 345 pounds and still, she didn't want me to go under the knife. 2 weeks before my surgery, she told me I didn't have to go through with it, that I had done so well on the pre-op diet (I was on the pre-op program for 5 months while I was going through the last leg of the approval process, rather than the standard 2 weeks)... I looked at her and said, point blank, "I love you, and I don't want to live like this anymore. I have a problem and this is my solution. You can either be supportive of my future or only remember me from my past. 1) because I will not choose to have someone in my life who does not support me in my decision to be healthier, and 2) I will not live to see past 30 if I continue down this road." That really made her think about what it was that she was saying to me.

I'd rather die trying than give up unhealthy.