Telling my mom

So i am just beginning this 6 month process to get gastric bypass and so far only my husband knows. We share a home with my mother and it is coming up to where I need to tell her so she can help drive me to appts (im visually impaired and dont drive). Im afraid to tell her because she is also on the heavier side and is very adimently against it. I know she will make remarks and it will be an awkward conversation. I do think she will still ultimatetly help me and support me, but im so anxious about this. Just today she made a comment about how wls makes people look sick and discusting and its total BS. The thing is Im 250lbs overweight and i have some health issues to deal with and she is about 70lbs overweight with good health. She doesnt relate to me and I dont know how to approach this without it being an argument...

Hm, that's a tough situation. Years and years ago, my aunt had RNY and my mom was dismissive of it, so when I made my own decision to pursue RNY in 2013, I was expecting much the same from her, but she really surprised me and was very supportive. She stayed with me and my husband for the day of surgery and for the first week of my recovery and I was very glad that she did.

Do you have to tell her right away what the appointments are for? Since you are looking at a 6 month process, you might have time to kind of feel her out and get her used to the idea slowly. My husband was not enthusiastic about it at first, but he went with me to one of the program's orientations and then to the consultation with the surgeon and he came around. Maybe your mom can do the same? Some people tend to not believe information unless they can find it out or verify it for themselves.

Ultimately, this is for your own health and well-being, so please don't let her reaction sway you from your decided course of action. If she refuses to transport you to your appointments, you may need to look into Lyft, Uber or check with the medical office to see if they have transportation they recommend.

Good luck with your journey!

Jen

This is hard when you have to tell someone you love. I would just be honest with her. If she starts to drive you crazy. Tell her you made the decision to do this and it is not up for discussion. I know easier said than done.

I would try to change the subject.

You are doing this for you. Not for anyone else.

If she gets negative, I would answer with a simple, "I don't want to die from obesity" and let that settle in. A parent should want their child to do whatever it takes to live and live happily!

Stay firm in your resolve and lean on your husband for support if she needs time to come around.

Hi there,

Judgment from those we respect, love, value most is often the hardest. When it comes to people like mom, we've probably lived with it our entire lives. Wanting to avoid the difficult conversation really is normal. It's going to happen eventually.

Like the other posters said here, she may surprise you. Then again, she may not. Sometimes pre-emptying the negative is a way to diffuse it. What I mean is, saying something like "Mom, I have made a decision, and I want you to know I gave serious consideration to your feelings as I was making it. I know you have expressed disapproval for WLS in the past, and I factored that into my decision because your opinion is important to me. Weighing all the pros and cons, and speaking with my medical team, I came to the decision to move forward with WLS. I hope you'll support me because I could really use your support!!"

I wish you all the best telling her. I hope she'll surprise you with love and encouragement!

I'm sorry - this is challenging and it's too bad that you actually have to tell her.

I recommend that you go into the conversation with a script prepared. If she's negative, dismissive, etc, respond with your script and KEEP repeating it as necessary. I'm thinking along the lines of "I appreciate and hear your concern, but I've done my research and this is the decision I've made with my healthcare team that will be the healthiest and best option for me. I don't need you to support my decision, but I would like you to support my right to choose what is best for me."

Be prepared with your script. Be prepared to repeat it as often as you need to. Don't waver. Don't give her any inkling that you doubt your decision or that she could say something to change your mind. Be strong and firm in your convictions.

Hi Lyds!!

I can't help on the mom part because mine actually started in the WLS process before I did. However, my SO was not on board at first. He has been slim his whole life. He grew up on a farm and his family is all about eating healthy, staying away from chemicals and additives, and growing your own food. I had quite an uphill battle to get him to understand what it's like to be obese basically your entire life (as far back as I can remember -- my mom says I was 3 or 4 when it started).

One thing I was doing early in the process was watching a lot of YouTube videos -- it started ou****ching surgery vids, but then I started finding people vlogging their journies. One particular person, Lauren Vento, posted a video of her before and after feelings and reactions. She very honestly stated why she needed to have the surgery. I ended up sharing this video with my SO, saying that she expressed my feelings and challenges better than I ever could have. Sometimes we don't do a great job of communicating with our family members, so finding a mediator can be useful for getting your feelings across.

Good luck on your journey!!

Meg~

Hard place to be in. My mother is the very last person I would tell, she isn't overweight because she is bulimic. Though she tells very guilty (and embarrassed) about my weight she would be vehemently against surgery...AKA "the easy way"...

Can you take Lyft or Uber to your appointments? Since you are visually impaired your insurance might cover transportation. Call and find out.

Your mother's negative comments about WLS sound like sour grapes It also sounds as though she either has no interest in losing eight or not enough interest in losing to get her to change her eating habits, never mind surgery. If my interpretation is correct, there's a very good chance that she doesn't want to loser her eating partner, i.e., you. It's common for an obese friend to try to sabotage an obese friend who wants to make changes.

There isn't much you can do about that beyond responding to her anticipated negativity with something like, "Beloved mother, I have X-Y-Z obesity-related health problems and I've reached the point where I don't want to die from them. I am considerably more overweight than thou and I need you to support me. I believe you to would rather that I don't die." In your words, of course: You know here better than I.

If she becomes belligerent and married to her negativity, there are taxis for getting to appointments.

Thats a good point that i didnt think about. In fact im a lot of peoples favorite eating buddy... thats probably why i weigh 450lbs ð??'