I don't know how to be skinny

Thank you everyone for the help

These are all questions and issues you should be hashing out with your therapist. Everyone reacts differently to massive weight loss...some change, some don't. I don't think anyone can predict how they will react to living a life completely different from what they have known their whole lives. No matter what anyone here can tell you about their own journeys, that is no barometer to use to measure how you will do.

If you don't already have a therapist, you need to get one and figure these things out.

I will add that I have been overweight my entire life, but I lost 95 pounds many years ago, and I did change. I was still over 200 pounds, but I developed more self-esteem, confidence, and it did change me. I was more outgoing, more willing to test myself, put myself in situations that would have made me too uncomfortable before (professionally, like public speaking). My friends and family liked the changes, especially the new self-confidence. When I put the weight back on, luckily a lot of that stayed with me. But my self-esteem dropped again.

Now, I find that I feel better, and I have changed. I no longer see my life as a place for me to wait to die. I am excited about the new abilities I have, to do more things, go more places, actually LIVE my life. I have only a very few close and dear lifelong friends, and they have been nothing but supportive. One had RNY 4 years ago, I just had my VSG, and the other of my 2 BFFs is finally having RNY at the end of May. Each of us has in turn spurred the others on to make changes and get healthier (we were all morbidly or super morbidly obese).

I was never "hit on" when I was huge...nobody looked at me except with contempt. I did have a long-term relationship that started when I had lost weight before, and continued for 16 years. After that for the next 10 years until now, nothing. I wonder now if I will get attention from men again, but I neither count on it or worry about it. If it happens, I will deal with it. But I'm also no spring chicken like you lol.

Having lost a significant amount before, I was prepared this time for the changes that would come. I am embracing them. I can't wait for the next phase to begin! So many possibilities, so little time!

I'll say that even with losing 145#, I'm not hit on any more or less than I was before surgery. I do get more second glances, but no one is pestering me I'm certainly not beating men off with a stick. So maybe you're anticipating something that may never be the case.

or maybe it will happen. Whether or not they have good intentions has nothing to do with your weight, but everything to do with their character. Being skinny doesn't give a magical sense of discernment. That sounds like your self-consciousness projecting off on others.

Then what's wrong with being different? Your life and health will be different. People should grow and evolve- as long as you aren't trampling people down in the process-- than good. Not all relationships are designed to last a lifetime.

Yes sometimes I feel like a fraud in a 'skinny world'. But I don't focus on what other perceive me as- I focus on building a strong sense of self.

I also haven't had to deal with getting hit on - although I have noticed that people are nicer to me, which.... sucks :(

I think this is something that many of us can relate to - fear of being someone different. I'm smaller now than I've been in my entire adult life and that's scary sometimes.

But my life is completely different - and completely better. I've run a half marathon! I'm getting my AA in 2.5 weeks! Those are things I never thought possible. I didn't drink pre-op, I still don't. I still have most of the same friends, although we do different things together than we used to since many of my friends have also gotten into fitness. I "lost" one friend, but he was getting lost pre-op as well, so it's not a great shock.

Please find a therapist that you click with and add them to your Team. You need a well developed "Team Add1209" for this process and a therapist is an important part of that.

I'm sorry your friend has changed so much.

BTW, Gwen, you are just such a lovely person. Your comments are always so supportive and warm.

Aw, thanks. I don't feel this way 99% of the time, so I appreciate that you took the time to tell me. Thank you!

Many of the men who are hitting on you now are what I call Chubby Chasers. They hit on overweight women partly because they like overweight women and partly because they think overweight women are less likely to reject their advances.

When you lose weight, you will be looked at differently. There are men who will find you more desirable. They will also fear that you will be less approachable. You may find that you get hit on much less often than before.

You will still have to determine if their intentions are good.

I believe that your friend secretly wanted to try the lifestyle that she is living now. I find that getting hit on is often a matter of whether or not I want that to happen. Some people substitute another addiction for food. They may become drinkers, shoppers, gamblers or promiscuous.

Therapy is a big part of being successful in this journey. My therapist is a woman who also had weight loss surgery. She was recommended by my surgeon. She helps me to deal with issues that she has also dealt with. My advise to you is to ask your surgical group to recommend a therapist who works with weight loss surgery patients.

Don't try this without all the help you can get.

We are usually in good alignment, but in this case, this has not been my experience at all.

The great majority of men who "hit on" me while obese were men in my field of academia, who for whatever reason, thought they had fallen "in love" with me -- despite the fact that I was fat. Thus, I had little to no experience with being fetishized (i.e.: chubby-chasers) but more with being made an "exception" (which still sucks!).

In fact, I don't think I have ever been single, despite trying to be (and truthfully, enjoying it!), for more than a month at a time --- and none of the people I've dated had a propensity or attraction for fat women. Even my husband, whom I have a 20 year history, is not attracted to fat women, in general.

Since losing 200 pounds, the "being hit-on" experience has only increased for me, with the added addition of people who do not know me well also making advances. I'm not sure which is worse -- but I think it's the strangers who randomly approach.

I am not sure if I am so average looking that I am more easily approachable, too obliging, or if it's just pheromones, etc -- but my experience has been entirely different.

Where we do agree is that a great counselor to help navigate these changes is invaluable.