Helping our teens with weight challenges?

My daughter always says even when things were ****ty with me drinking and eating. That I am a good mother.

I can't blame anyone on my eating a drinking benders I have been on. I can only blame myself.

Keep showing your mom what an amazing woman you are. She already knows I am sure.

I was very moved to read this. Both your mom's love for you, and your love for your mom.

We moms do a lot of crying, and worrying, and rethinking.

My adult daughter called me last night sobbing about many things. It was a hard hour, where I just listened and affirmed as best as I can. I have learned that even if I try to help her by contradicting her negative self-talk, that contradiction (even though positive in its message of support), is still a negative to her. Once, during a 2 a.m. call, I said, "Oh sweetheart, don't feel that way," about some really mean self-talk she was heaping on herself. That made her soooooooo angry. And there it was, 2 a.m., me sitting on the floor by my bed after being woken up by her call.

For many years, I have felt so bad about some of her emotional challenges. I don't think they were my fault. But I do wonder if I made them worse. Perhaps if I better understood--when she was little--what some of her mental health issues were, would I have known what to do? I did the best I could, and yet I still feel maybe all those efforts were misplaced--if I had only known that she was dealing with xxxx. Even if I had known, would I have gotten the right advice? I sought so much professional advice for what I did see, just never had a name for it.

Anyhow, your comments about your mom touched me deeply. xoxo

Parenting is hard - you do the best you can and then probably spend your entire life wondering if you should have done it differently. As someone who has no children, I have endless respect for those who have taken on that responsibility.

I too want to follow this post for helpful ideas. My 17 year old has had weight issues for several years. It has gotten worse the last year, her dad walked out on us last July and this triggered a lot of emotional eating and hiding food etc from her. I feel that she would benefit from therapy but at 17 years old I can't force her to go. I do try to now lead by example with eating habits and I cook healthier then I ever did before and we don't ever eat fast food or fried food anymore. I do allow treats here and there for special occasions because I am not big on total deprivation but her weight keeps climbing.

I would caution against using treats for "special occasions" because this has the potential to set up food as a reward.

I understand what your saying but when I say special occasion I mean a like cake at thier birthday party, not a reward type system. We do rewards like going shopping or movies or things like that.

Sure, but speaking from my personal experience, this can create the connection of "celebration = food!" Which has been a very hard connection to break as an adult and it's been challenging as an adult who is trying to deal with her obesity to figure out ways to celebrate that don't involve food. Which sucks, since so many celebrations in our society are linked to food :(

Leading by example is a great reminder. In truth, I wonder if my own eating is less "healthy" for a normal-stomached person. I don't eat a lot of fruits/vegetables now.

Emotional eating is such a hard thing. htat must have been so hard for both you and your daughter.

Being a teen is such a hard thing! Being a teen girl is so hard! Where we live, a lot of girls cut themselves. One of my teen sons is the kind of boy that girls like to confide in, and he has cried to me wondering what he can do to help his friends. Sadly, it seems like cutting yourself is an emotional hurt that is looked on with sympathy, overeating to help the hurt is judged more.

I hope the best for your girl.

My opinion probably won't be popular but here goes - there's nothing you can do except to lead by example. And even that might have no impact.

I say this because I was the obese child. Once I had access to my own money and once I left the house when I was school age, there was nothing my parents could have done. Clearly I knew I was obese. I knew that being obese was unhealthy - every doctor was happy to tell me that. I saw therapists for varying things and this did nothing but drive me deeper into shame and more food.

Kids are smart, just like adults, with this.

The best thing you can do is model healthy behavior for your child and foster the type of relationship that lets your child know they can talk to you when they're ready to. Sadly my parents DID model healthy behavior for me and I could talk to the about everything, but I still chose to make my own, unhealthy choices because I wasn't ready to deal with my obesity.

And, for a parent, that's got to be one of the hardest and ****tiest things ever since you obviously don't want your child to hurt and struggle. :( I'm sad that I put my parents through that.

PS. You say that he wants to lose weight - has he asked you for help with this? If he has, you could teach him how to track his food using something like MyFitnessPal and show him MyPlate so he'll understand the nutrient breakdown of food better.

Thank you so much for this. It is great insight and advice, and warmly expressed.

We have worked with MyFitnessPal. I think he understand things--reads labels, etc. We have had each of our teens work on some kind of goal to earn the privilege of having a cell phone. This son chose some fitness related goals and did MyFitnessPal 30 times plus did a lot of walking and swimming to earn the privilege of having a cell phone. (His brother by contrast chose to practice music!) MyFitnessPal really did help him become more aware. But he is not doing it anymore, and he still has many cravings and grazing habits. Perhaps the awareness will help him long-term. I think it will. I wonder if the hyper-focus on weight, even through MFP, backfires?