Ladies-Do you feel less safe?

Okiepirate, I think you were trying to be helpful but really, I do not think men can get this one, I gained a tremendous amount of weight as a teenager for various reasons but primarily because I did not feel safe in my thin body. A lot of additional weight helped me to feel much safer. Men stopped looking so closely. When I lost a lot of weight recently I had an experience (with a real loser) following me at a nearby store. I felt very uncomfortable. Not because "why didn't you like me when I was fat." Not because I "lack skills in how to handle the attention". Because the asshole was a pervert and I had not had to deal with that much as a fat woman. And I was a little scared.

I have some of the same anxiety as RoseAndRiver. It is not fun for any woman to have to endure unwanted and intrusive attention. I am learning to deal with it, and I expect that RoseAndRiver will, too. But respectfully, your comment about men being more victimized than women is not helpful. Women are much more vulnerable than men in most situations in life.

We can prepare and learn self defense and be careful and avoid risky situations, but it does not change the fact that it sucks we have to do it at all. It can still be scary. And that is what RoseAndRiver is talking about.

I don't disagree. I was very surprised when I discovered John Gottman (https://goo.gl/x5hTjI) and realized for the first time the degree of unease women felt on a daily basis, well it was highly illuminating. What women don't understand is men don't feel scared all the time and the reverse is true, men don't get the apprehension women feel when they see a group of drunk guys walking near her. What I hope can happen is that some discussion can happen when the sexes can discuss strategies and real feelings and differences without pejorative terms such as "mansplaning" being used. Like anyone else on social media I offer my insight and research to those who post, and you are free to accept or reject.

This is a post I did on the "other" bariatric site to help explain it to guys:

Men, when was the last time you were scared for your physical safety? I mean really scared? Middle school? In the military? Most women are scared everyday. You didn't probably realize this because you never thought to ask. They get scared in parking garages, walking to the car at night. I never made that connection. I used to get mad when my ex would wake me up to investigate a noise she thought she heard at night, but at least now I understand it.

That's why security is soooo very important to women. I have read a large number of books and articles trying to understand women. Most are sappy, and are opinions based on some observations or feelings, but I never felt that there was any hard science behind it. And look women are complex. Freud never understood women. Neither did Einstein. I mean really:

• Why do they have to go the bathroom in packs?
• Why do they shop the way they do?
• Why do they keep getting upset when they tell you a problem and you try to solve it?
• Why does she need to be held?

I just finished Dr. John Gottman's book: The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" About What Women Really Want - https://goo.gl/x5hTjI.

I'm not saying that you will understand everything the women in your life are doing, but thanks to the insights from the Gotman Lab, at least you will be able to understand the differences between you and her. This isn't a "blame the hormones" book, but it does explain just how profound the impact is. This one is a nice mix of humor, science, medicine and serious behavioral research to give you some clues as to what is going on, and how you can make the woman in your life happier.

We men are easy. What do we want? Less *****ing, more sex. If you can break her code, you will get it. You will live longer and better in a solid relationship, so invest in yourself. My divorce cost me over well over six figures (and worth every damn penny), but my current relationship is one that I want to last. I think I picked up some good ideas to help make it grow.

Yikes. You've read a lot about trying to understand women. It might be possible that you understand more now than you did before your research. If you do, that's really scary.

Every time you try to explain further, you are digging yourself a little deeper. Though I haven't read a book on the subject, here is some free advice: let go of the shovel.

You don't get it. Not even a little. Silence is your best friend.

okiepirate, here is the thing...you have done research to understand this...fine.

But you are sitting here talking to REAL LIVE WOMEN, who are giving you REAL DATA. Why are you dismissing what you hear from these women and only believing what supports the theories you already seem to have?

Also I have noticed that you've had no problem snapping back at every female poster who disagrees with you, but have said nothing to Grim. Are females easier to pick on?

As to "skills to handle the attention." What I meant by that is good looking people (both sexes) are more adept at handling people fawning over them because they have dealt with it their entire lives. I was a very fat guy. I am treated differently being at a more normal weight. I am not great looking. If I was then this change would have been more problematic. The problem women face is the same thing they face on online dating sites, they get more unwanted attention because men have to be the instigators of all conversations. (whole other conversation, let's just say, not going to solve the problem in my lifetime).

In short, if you are a woman who has never had weight issues odds are you are better at dealing with unwanted attention than those on the other end of the spectrum. That is a skill. You have dealt with more pervs than your heavier peers. This is not a problem for most guys.

"men have to be the instigators of all conversations".

Part of it is a lack of skills in how to handle the attention. I think your fear fits into this. The good news is this seems to go away in a little while as you settle into a new normal.

Wow, you're for real?

How could you suggest a woman can mentally prepare for being being around a guy that stares at her boobs as he talks to her? Or being tapped on the behind by someone she knows while he comments about her losing her butt; how can she get mentally prepare to a full body slammed in public transportation, or on a street? Or a stranger reaching for her boobs of her private in a store?

When someone shows you who they are -- believe them.

I think that the original poster has increased her desirability to men. Now, you need to think about safety. I am almost 60 years, I am not a great target. Why would you go to jail for stealing an old car, when a new car is available. I always travel by myself, I sleep in my car, I hike and bicycle hundreds of miles by myself. I have been stalked several times. I now take precautions. I cycle 20 miles out from my car and return, then drive further down the road. I camp by myself--I take a larger tent and 2 chairs. I used to bicycle to work 30 miles in the dark (midnight shift). I wore a mustache and padding on my shoulders to disguise myself. I lived my life and did what I wanted. I don't know any women who go camping in national forests by themselves, and then go for a 30 mile bike ride in the forest and all the stuff I do by myself. I am aware of my surroundings. I sometimes carry bear spray (hoping that it doesn't get used on me.) I hike in national parks by myself. I try to start about 10-15 minutes after I see someone (like a family) enter the trail. That way if I encounter a wild animal or person, someone can hear me scream. I don't stay in the same place more than 2 nights. I don't make patterns. If I am uneasy, I'll move on. Be aware of your surroundings.

I have one daughter living in Indonesia by herself. Both of my adult girls have travelled all around the world, Asia, Africia, Europe, etc. They usually go solo. You do need to be aware, but you need to live your life to it's fullest.