OT - Really trying not to lose it

I don't know where else to whine about this, so here it is guys.  A lot of you guys know me, I'm a regular poster and I've whined enough about my life for you all to most of my issues.  My hubby has a good job, he makes good money.  He works really hard to take care of us and I love him with all of my heart.  We'll be married for 8 years in April, and have a 17 year old (his stepson) and a 3 year old (his biological son).  He's a great dad, a wonderful husband and he's always loved me unconditionally.  I have acted bat**** crazy off and on since we met (honestly I'm more stable at this point in my life than I have ever been.  Don't look so shocked, people, lol.)

My problem is with his job.  I'm so tired of it.  He travels often and unexpectedly  It sucks, because sometimes I won't know he's gotta go somewhere until the afternoon when he's driving to the airport.  And I also don't know when he's coming home. And that brings me to today's frustration.

 So this week, he flew out on Tuesday morning knowing he would have to stay for probably 2 nights.  Well, I talked to him this morning and his flight was booked and scheduled to land at 3.  He was going to pick our youngest up from daycare to give me a break because it's right near the airport.  

He just called me like 15 minutes ago to tell me that he had to cancel his flight.  Something happened and he has to stay to fix another problem at the lab, and he had to order parts that won't be delivered until tomorrow morning, so his new arrival time will be tomorrow at 7:30pm.  

I don't know what to do.  I love my hubby with all my heart, but all of this travel is killing me right now.  I don't want to put the all the pressure on him, because it's not easy for him, either, but I don't know how much more I can take without breaking down completely.

I'm so tired and overwhelmed with everything.  I'm sitting at my desk with my makeup running down my face.  I'm trying not to cry about it, and honestly typing this post is making me cry, so I'm going to cut it short.

  Oh D, I'm so sorry. I have no suggestions, especially since I'm looking for my own Zen place, but hang in there & hopefully things will get better. It has to suck for both of you. Skype maybe?

This stinks. Thank goodness you love your husband and can see the good as well as the stress of the situation.

You have shown you are a fighter, it is OK to whine - I know, I whine plenty.... nothing magic to say except my heart and prayers are with you...

Oh Deanna, I am so sorry.  That sucks sucks sucks all around.  Sometimes I just need to spend time wallowing in how much something sucks, and then I can pick myself up and carry on.  I don't actually have any great mind-blowing advice, but this is what I would potentially do (mind you, I am attacking this problem from an outside perspective and you can feel free to tell me to eff off).

1. Oftentimes when I am really upset, overwhelmed or frustrated, I try to think about "in the scheme of the universe, is this that big of a deal?".  Like, will I remember this in five years?  
2. Sometimes I need to wallow, but other times I can cheer myself up by putting it into perspective.  You posted about your colleague whose husband is dying (of cancer?).  When I think about my issue in comparison to someone dying of cancer, it helps me think about how my problem isn't that big.
3. Maybe go for a walk.  The news shows unseasonably warm weather in Michigan - can you take 20 minutes to go for a stroll and feel the sun on your face?
4. Sometimes I need to take time to myself.  Can you offer your teenager $20 to babysit your little one after school, so you can shower, go to the gym, craft, read...whatever you feel like?  

I know you know how lucky you are to have such a loving and supportive husband who has a great job, and you're just feeling stressed and overwhelmed right now.  I think you are strong enough to cope with this without laying the pressure on him and turning it into a huge ordeal.  Maybe when you are feeling more positive, and he's home, you guys can talk about if there are more local job opportunities that pay well and require less travel.  I have found if I am less accusatory (you are gone too much, you are stressing me out) and more complimentary (it's hard for me to do everything without you, you are such a huge source of help and support), my talks go much better ;)

Good luck and feel better.  I doubt this advice will help, but I know that overwhelming feeling of UGH, so I wanted to just say you're heard and understood!

I understand your frustration but I don't have any advice or solutions. It sucks. My husband worked night time shift work for years and there were times when I wouldn't see him for a couple of weeks at a time. He would get home in the morning right after I left for work and left to go back to work before I got home in the evenings. I felt like a single mom with a room mate. He could never go anywhere with us when we would have family gatherings or vacations. When he was off he would either sleep all day or was in a funk because he was still in night time mode. There were times I didn't think I could take it anymore. He finally quite and found a daytime job that turned out to be crap so he went back to school full time to become a chef. We struggle money wise now. There's always something! Hang in there! 

For years, I caught a plane every Sunday afternoon and flew back home every Friday night.  My work was far from where I lived and I would maintain an apartment at the place where I was working.

In August of 2001, I was asked to spend a month in Japan, travel home in four weeks and then go back to Japan for another month.  My husband had been having problems and I decided to talk to his doctor before committing to the assignment.

The doctor told me that he suspected that Joe had cancer and recommended that he go to the Cleveland Clinic for further testing.  I was stunned.  They had been telling me that there was a problem with his kidney, but that it was in the top of the kidney and that kidney cancer developed at the bottom of the kidney.

I did not take the Japan assignment and Joe went to the clinic for exploratory surgery.  On September 11, 2001, Joe was watching one of the Twin Towers explode on TV and I was on the phone with the surgeon from the Cleveland Clinic learning that his biopsy showed cancer.

My job was disaster recovery and I was called to go to New York to work on the 911 disaster.  I told my boss that I could not leave my husband alone that week.  The cancer was bladder cancer that had traveled to his kidney.  They removed his kidney and he went through months of chemo and rehab.  I managed to work from home.

I never went back to full-time travel.  I found a position in my city and Joe lived until 2009.  I made more money when on the road, but gave up a lot too.  I did enjoy the travel and fast-paced lifestyle.  Your husband may end up finding a job that does not involve travel, but it is a decision he needs to make for himself.

In many ways you are a single woman.  Single women manage to raise their children, work and take care of the homes.  They find things to do that do not involve having a partner.  This is a stage in your life.  Just appreciate when your husband is around for you, but don't depend on him to be there.  He is doing the best he can and life can change quickly.  Find help if you need it, but don't get depressed over things like this.  There is always a way to work things out.

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it.  I'm sorry about your husband. 

I think that the hardest part about the whole thing for me is the inconsitency.  I mean, if he was scheduled to be gone and I knew when he'd be home, I'd be able to deal with it.  The thing that makes it the hardest is the last minute changes and the disappointment when things don't work out the way they were planned.  If I knew he was always going to be gone from Monday or Tuesday through Friday, I think I'd be okay with it, at least more okay with it than I am now.  

There is a possible opportunity for him to go back to his old job that would likely be less travel.  He's wiling to do it as long as it's feasible, but we are kind of waiting to hear if that is going to happen or not.  It's a matter of if a hospital signs a contract, they will be bringing on more people to manage a lab, and the hospital has verbally committed, but hasn't actually signed on the dotted line.  We both keep waiting for it to happen, but we've been waiting for it for nearly a year now.  

My advice to dealing with the inconsistency is to expect it and then be happy when things are different. 

My husband travels extensively too.  He has responsibilities  all over the world and can be gone for 3 days or three weeks with the drop of a hat.  He also works upwards of 70-80 hours a week.  I have had to figure out how to live in foreign countries with three kids and no family for the past 16 years. As you know we just moved to Tokyo - a place I barely know as a tourist.  On our second day, he left for a three day training session 8 hours away from the hotel I was in with our boys!  He has 2 offices here and is gone 2-4 days of the week in another city in Japan. He also travels internationally at least one week out of the month, so I am winging it here and I know a grand total of 2 people well enough to ask for help if I need it.

FWIW - here are a few of the things I have found that make it easier for me to be a "single" Mom, yet love my husband and not resent the hell out of the fact that I am left holding the bag for almost all of the parenting, financial and administrative decisions in our 22 year marriage. 

1.  I never make plans or commitments that I need anyone else to help me achieve.  Meaning, i don't sign my kids up for activities I can not manage alone the driving/pick ups or games or whatever.  If husband is around to help out - Great.  But if I'v agreed to something it is with the knowledge I can do it by myself.

2.  Assume he won't be there on time - for dinner, the parent conference, the doctors appointment, to pick up from day care, whatever.  Be happily surprised when he does, but assume he won't.  No resentment, no reproach.  

3.  Agree to what is your responsibility and his and go from there.  

4.  Assume he WANTS to be with his family, wants to help out more in different ways, would rather be home than on the road, but understand and accept that this is his job and that job is what helps keep the family going as much as my role does.  

It has taken me YEARS to figure this out, but since I let go of my resentment and frustration and just accepted things at face value, I am  a million x happier and so are my boys.  Hubby too :)  Our family Motto is "HAPPY WIFE?  HAPPY LIFE!"

Hang in there!

Like x 1000. I know Bill would rather be home than chasing a leak for hours that turned out to be because some fool left the filler hose for the mop sink on for 8 hours (true story).

While your story is heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry about your husband, you have some great things in here to remember... Thank you for sharing