Mourning and Rage

I had VSG on 3/11/16 in order to be able to fly with my sister, whose daughter was a flight attendant.  I literally could NOT stand to be the morbidly obese person inflicted on my seat and the poor schmuck(s) who had the misfortune to be seated next to me.

Because evidently the Universe cannot stand to see anybody happy, my 37 year old niece was diagnosed with cancer and died in January, less than 3 months of her diagnosis.

Which leaves me (a) mourning my niece; (b) as a cancer survivor myself, dealing with my own PTSD; (2) having lost the sole reason (travel) I had the surgery done; and (4) experiencing grief and rage every single damn time I sit down to eat what passes for a meal for bariatric surgery patients.

I gave up everything that made me happy in the past -- a huge wardrobe (mostly made by me and at great expense and time) for ren fairs and comic cons; bespoke corsets; a beautiful collection of carefully collected coats (because as a fat woman in Colorado I could never find stylish coats); my shoes, now two sizes too small; etc.  Financially, there is literally no way I can replace these items.

Finally food, the only thing that got me through my own personal tragedies, was behind family gatherings, got me through two ugly divorces, and I will claim that chicken wings, together with chemo, radiation, and then experimental treatment got me through cancer.  Like it or not, there are holes that only food can fill.

I don't mean to sound ungracious or selfish.  I just don't see any way I can live the rest of my life knowing that I have sacrificed everything I held dear to me for absolutely nothing.  And, yes, I know mt my sister's loss was greater.  And, no, I can't afford to travel otherwise.

I'm very sorry for your loss.  

I have a number of suggestions, but as my dad used to say "free advice is worth what you pay for it."  

1. Contact your local hospice and see if they offer a bereavement group that you can join (often you can participate even if you haven't lost a loved one who was in that hospice).  If you're affiliated with a church, or even if you're not, see if any of the local churches offer bereavement/grief groups.  Many do.  If that seems impossible for you right now, and it might for 6-12 months after your loss, maybe just pick up this book -- Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Alan Wolfelt.  It's the book my bereavement group is using and I've found it helpful.  There's a "journal" that goes along with it.  
2. If you don't already have a therapist, find one.  I think that what you're going through would benefit from having a professional to talk with.  WLS in and of itself benefits from therapy and when you add grief to that... it's hard.  
3. Work on figuring out the other reasons that losing weight is good for you.  I can't believe that the only positive you'll get from no longer being super morbidly obese is that you can fly comfortably.  There have got to be other benefits.  Work on figuring those out.  Maybe make a list or a brainstorm cloud, or whatever works for you.  
4. Try to find some new hobbies - there are other ways to fill the holes that food filled.  (This is also a benefit of therapy.)  I've come to really enjoy exercise, for example, but there are certainly other ways to enjoy life.  It's challenging to reprogram our brains after they've found enjoyment one way for so long, but it can be done.  
5. Regarding your clothes, since you're a seamstress (and an accomplished one at that it sounds like!) are you able to tailor your old clothes to fit your new body?  

You've got a lot going on and any single one of these things is hard to deal with, much less all of them together!  But there are resources out there - including the people here at OH, of course :)

Thank you (and i like your dad's saying).

He was full of some good ones.  Grief sucks.  :/

I am so sorry for your loss... cancer f-ing sucks and your niece was too young to leave this earth. 

I would second the advice above a bereavement group (sometimes the local hospital has info as well) and individual therapy which I personally feel is needed post weight loss surgery even without the loss and sadness you are dealing with. IMHO it's the most important part of this life change. 

Having a flight attendant in my family I know they love adventure and travel... perhaps planning a trip with your sister in honor of your niece... something for you both to look forward to and celebrate her life... even if it takes awhile to make it happen... guide books are free and virtual planning... until the piggy bank can make it reality.

Those plus size ren-fair costumes I am certain would be in great demand... maybe a few sold on Ebay would give you the $$ for supplies to create a new outfit or 2 in your current size. We don't have to give up all we love... adjust maybe. As a foodie, cook I learned if I wanted to still have fun in the kitchen and not end up ill or gaining weight I needed to adjust and that led to some new fun. 

Sending you wishes for brighter days. 

I gave away almost the whole magillah.  I couldn't stand the sight of them using up a whole closet, knowing (hoping) that they were no longer useful for me and that maybe someone else could love them.  Same thing with my coats, etc.  Their fiduciary loss to me was worth getting them out of the closet.

As for my sister, she means well and says we'll do something, but experience has taught me she has very little, if any, follow through and if I want to do anything, it'll be on me and it'll be by myself.  I frankly don't need any more disappointment from her.

Thank you for the kind words.  All I can do is remember the old Beatles' lyric about life going on,

Sorry for ALL your losses. Your pain is still very new and raw. Go to a survivor group when you are ready. Meanwhile, remember to be kind to yourself. 

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have advice as I think what others said covers it. Over time I hope you can find some healing. 

"Absolutely nothing?"

How about a MUCH reduced risk of an early death from obesity-related causes??

I am not a young woman and have been told that I will have a shortened lifetime due to heart damage caused by one of the meds in my chemo ****tail and that, basically, my heart is a time bomb. Also that I am at a high risk for a secondary cancer due to the chemo/radiation.  This damage is more the rule than the exception with the particular drug. Obesity related causes were very unlikely to be the cause of my demise.  Further, I am and was prepared for such eventuality.  With the knowledge that I had a higher than usual chance of not making it through the surgery, but the hope of accomplishing some of my bucket wish dreams, I went ahead and had the surgery.  

Everything accompanying the weight loss, gain of mobility and strength, for example, were to make travel easier on myself and companions.  Because, frankly, I was able to do the things I wanted to before the surgery.For example, my balance is shot due to neuropathy.  I want to be able to get up more easily and have less weight land on me when I fall, because I do fall on a regular basis.

So yeah.  I have given up everything important to me.  And yes, my risk of an early death from obesity-related causes have decreased.  But with my health history, that's not been much of a concern.